Saturday, January 2, 2021

Looking Back on 2020 & Thinking About the Future

Doing this on someone else's laptop is a total pain. Hoping my own laptop will be back in commission sooner rather than later. I went to see Mr. Big Stuff in Indiana at HIS invitation back in December and discovered my screen was cracked when I got there. Perhaps that was a portend of the other events that happened in that time. The day I arrived, things were good and he was well aware that I was staying for 2 weeks. The next day, he brings up three ways when I'd told him before I didn't want to feel like that was a condition to me being in his life, felt he was asking me to degrade myself for him & wouldn't be comfortable with that since I couldn't tell him I wouldn't rip some woman's hair out if I saw her with him in that way. As time goes on, he tells me he's stressed out with his Masters in AI program, has all these grand plans to travel, is eager to take the coronoavirus vaccine and that trip to FL we were supposed to take as a test of our future if the pandemic hadn't happened?? He was planning to invite "friends" he fucked and planned to fuck women in front of me like I was going to be cool with that. Yeah, I pointed out that he violated the basic rules of relationships and our 5 year history by lying to me about his "not being built for monogamy", growing up Mormon (he'd told me he was Catholic when we met and he claimed he converted in college when I met him & I pointed out that Catholics aren't on board with the sharing shit), his stance on me not sleeping with other guys when we were exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend, his claim to love me even as we were doing intimate things (I'd also told him not to even invite me to travel if he was going to introduce me to some local ho or be going out on dates while I was present) and generally deceiving me about his "lifestyle" knowing I was going through a painful divorce when we met + decided to return to my life in 2017 after I'd told him to fuck off, that he was dead to me and blocked him from everything. He even violated the rules of his own lifestyle since you're not supposed to force people to be okay with sharing and sister wife shit & you certainly aren't supposed to keep that from someone for 5 years, make special effort to follow and see them and act like somebody matters like he did to me. Looking back maybe a week afterwards, I thought that maybe he'd been trolling me since he's got a history of doing that but realized that it doesn't matter since that's his loss, I could get a far better guy than him and immediately reactivated one dating app I was on as well as got accounts on a few other ones. I even got approved for 2 upscale dating apps (both of which are against sugar daddy seekers) and have had guys contact me on them. One reason for that is to prove to myself that he's indeed wrong when he claims that all guys who live in NYC and have Type A personalities are anti-monogamy and demand you to degrade yourself for them by sharing them with other bitches if you ever hope to have anything with them. I feel like that statement is wrong and not all guys with money are wannabe Caligulas. Before I took that trip, I thought about the worst case scenario and decided I'd rather be free from any illusions of a future with that guy or feeling any love towards him & at a minimum, I could say I'd visited a state I'd not been to before. I actually told him I took back any claim to love him if he didn't love me. He claimed to "care a lot" about me but I find that illogical since he wanted me to do that sharing shit; he can hire a prostitute for that, not waste my time and expect me to become some bisexual ho to please him. I view asking someone to share when they're able and willing to satify you + you have no real committment to them like marriage or kids to be the opposite of caring for them. I realized that 1) I'm the one who left since he would have been a-okay with me going along and told me I didn't have to leave immediately when he claimed he didn't know I'd planned for 2 weeks (staying 1 week turned out to be a blessing since 2 weeks would have been unbearable), 2) I kept my dignity intact and that's a good thing & 3) that whole thing is over. When he moved away from NYC, he wasn't really an ex since we didn't have a formal breakup but this was a breakup and an end. There's closure. He was also nicer to me about it than my ex-husband ever was. His last words to me were "best of luck to you" and he claimed he wouldn't be bashing me to his friends and contacts for being for monogamy and seeing jealousy as a part of human nature vs. a character flaw as he claimed it was. I told him he's also in the minority for wanting to do communal living, a life I'd never be suited for (facts: most communes failed and open relationships don't last long term). My last words were "ciao" since I didn't feel charitable enough to wish him well though I didn't feel like wishing him to Hell either. I still hope karma gets him and he lives to regret what he did since I didn't make it easy for him in the least & won't since that's not the kind of woman I am. Had he done that before any emotional investment happened, say when he met me 5 years ago we could have walked away with no harm, no foul. Maybe then he could have been friends with me. Friends and family have no love for him. I don't even have to wish bad on him since they're wishing more than enough bad on him for this & he claimed he wouldn't be doing that to me (it's not in his interest to try it anyway). His claim for apologizing to me in 2017 when he really had no reason for it was "I missed you." Well, this time I don't think he'd get a second chance since "fool me once, shame on you" but "fool me twice, shame on me." He claimed to have forgotten many things he'd said to me before and I don't want a guy with such a bad memory. Not to mention he didn't get the symbolism of "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do" by Hall & Oates playing as he was driving me to the airport from his house. I also found the weather symbolic since it was raining and awful outside that morning but as we were on the interstate, the dark clouds were clearing away to make way for a bright sky. Actually, I took that as an omen and took pics of it to remind myself of things being dark now but that brighter days were ahead for me. I can't deal with a guy who doesn't get symbolism; that's as bad to me as a guy telling me I "use big words." Mr. Big Stuff also has plenty of flaws and I remind myself of those in order to avoid them in the next guy. He may be cute but he's not the only good looking guy in this world and I went on those dating apps to remind myself of that fact. He's not even the only good looking guy who'd give me the time of day & his being gone so much makes things far more easier. I also am happy that I found out in this way rather than in FL where I might have been stuck surrounded by bitches and with no escape hatch to be found. That would have been even more traumatic for me. It also occurs to me that apparently he thinks he's Christian Grey without the BDSM stuff. Certainly his voice sounds like what you'd expect the devil at your shoulder to sound like though I won't deny that it's sexy. So the knowledge that I did the right thing for myself is one positive from the pandemic. As my sister said, maybe the virus will make his dick fall off. I laughed at that and felt like that would be a true lesson; sterility wouldn't hurt either since he claimed to want kids but would never be selfless enough for them since he didn't even celebrate his own birthday, much less any holidays despite us spending a Thanksgiving together that he claimed he enjoyed. As I said, I want karma to fix him for that and it will eventually since we're all accountable for the harm we inflict on others. Another positive of the pandemic is plexiglass shields in places, curbside pickups for things including clothing, not having to see people you don't even like (so great for those who didn't do extended family events or hated going to them in the first place), spending more time with nieces and nephews than I have for any part of their lives, resolving some conflicts from my past and perhaps the ultimate time to reevalute things (in my case, seeing my hometown from a new perspective and resolving some old conflicts with family). It's still not as hard for me emotionally as my divorce was, this breakup or the pandemic taking my main income source away. My mother assures me that I'll be fine since I'm "a Phoenix". Part of me is still like "how the hell DO you still maintain a sense of reality while keeping the positive vibes you need to have if you want to mainfest the things you need/want to have a good existence?" Perhaps that's the struggle of all practical types who run their own businesses. I also have to figure out how to create a business brand that's authentic to my personal and who I am since I'm not some boring ass lawyer & can't do that. That feels like something I need to have my own laptop for though it is something I fully intend to do. Revising my resumes today, even my per diem legal resume, made me feel more accomplished and like a boss babe than I was feeling. I've discovered in the dating world that income isn't nearly as relevant as what you're doing in your life & the struggles you overcame to get there. One guy today told me being the first person in my immediate family to go to college and the first in my entire family to go to any law school is an accomplishment that I should be proud of. I've been looking back at how I thought and my mindset in those days. The main thing I remember is that I simply said I was going to do certain things. I was going to go to law school. I was going to live in NYC. I was going to get out of my hometown. There was never a thought of "what if you don't do that?" That just wasn't in my psyche. I don't even think "what if you don't find a better guy than Mr. Big Stuff" exists in my psyche since I just adamantly believe that such guys do exist. When or how I find them is a whole other story but I do believe they're out there. I didn't know exactly what law school I was going to attend but I did get to do it & here I am still licensed in that state. Perhaps too many people have been trying to talk me out of my career stuff and there's just too much boring crap out there in my field for me to see a way to do my own methods. I probably need to pinpoint someone specialized in this world who gets that I am who I am and can offer a plan that works for ME, not any old entertainment attorney or even any old lawyer. That plan isn't something that's materialized in my brain like so many other plans did. Then I need to find the devotees who've got money for my services. I have some fans, even some who liked my podcast I started doing and will continue to do. It's the same name as this blog and if you want to do listener support, be my guest but I'll not beg people for things or expect them to carry me. I'll change the name at some point but I need that to come to me as well. One other big thing that suprised me this year was winning a Yelpie award that was based on a vote by the Yelp community. I've got a trophy and a gift basket of goodies waiting for me once I get back to NYC so that'll be fun; I also had no idea I was that popular or my reviews had such an impact on the community for me to get 2nd runner up in the Veteran Impact Award. I've also got a fashion shoot to do and a guy in Connecticut who wants to meet me in person so that makes me smile some. A dreaded milestone birthday is also on the horizon but I guess I can lay claim to not remotely looking that age, still attracting younger guys (though I decided I'm over guys under 30 since they're too unreliable and I'm not looking to be anybody's sugar mommy even if I had the means for it) and getting to spend it with family. I even lost weight since the pandemic weight gain though it remains to be seen if I can fit into my old bottoms again or not. My great black jeans fit me better now but perhaps I should have brought other bottoms to see how they do. I'm also thinking I'll apply for community board since if I got that, I'd certainly have a reason to stay in NYC. I also may have the option of getting into Connecticut or even traveling with one of my buddies I've traveled with before (who reminded me that when things seem the worst with you, there's always somebody who's got more troubles to deal with & money can't shield you from life's troubles). With community board, at least there's learning how that process works and seeing that from firsthand knowledge. Plus if you actually want to do something productive to help your community and the world that's far more effective than torching public buildings, assaulting cops and vandalizing people's homes. My life is still a big question mark and that's frustrating but everybody kind of has that going on at the moment. I'm also trying to remember that old lesson from 2014: life is the ocean. Life IS change. Now I'm just seeing where my direction is going and I know of the things I want and things I won't tolerate at all. Who's wondering where the tipping point is for society, individuals and the like??

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