Sunday, January 15, 2017

The Mystique of Men Has Vanished for Me

When you're young and hormones are running amok, you find whoever you're attracted to fascinating. In my case, it's straight guys. I'm not sure how that works if you're gay but when you're straight, the opposite sex is "other." Their experience is something you're never going to know and it's different from yours, not just physically but mentally. They don't get hassled for their bra sizes or have to worry about bleeding every month or deal with guys hitting on them or parents glaring at old men for checking them out/leering at them. Maybe the definitive way I could tell I was straight was when I was in college, when I gave this guy an intimate massage in a very private area the night before an Applied Calculus exam and felt such a euphoria afterward I ended up getting a good grade on it. Plus, there was Vampire Boy: I distinctly remember early on in that relationship when we'd just started doing the sexy stuff & I thought to myself "I'm definitely 100% straight since I enjoy heterosexual sex way too much." The thoughts in your 20 year old mind when you'd lost your virginity only a year beforehand.

So now I've gone through the cycle of dating, marriage, divorce and phase 1 of recovering from the divorce. I have no clue how many phases recovery has but maybe I'm in phase 2 or even a phase 3. Is Phase 3 where you discover the grass isn't as green as you thought it was and people aren't as happy as you think they are? When you learn relationships aren't what you see in the movies and a lot of guys are really bad at sex?

I went out with a few guys in the past few months only to encounter them having performance issues. One guy was younger than my last boyfriend and had this happen twice. Cute dude, worked in a professional job, had stuff in life, wasn't a selfish bastard on money or treating a girl, seemed interested. Then, no word. I remembered my law school friend telling me that a different guy was likely embarrassed and didn't talk to me again b/c of it as it related to bedroom stuff so I figured it was that. I looked back on other things with those interactions and felt like it wasn't worth my effort to even text "thanks for proving me exactly right." Maybe I really do intimidate guys like others have said?

I also figured the universe was telling me with all these guys falling short to focus on my career as I've gotten busier and more opportunities in things. I also have another vestige from the past falling away & new projects, contacts, so on and so forth. A future focus is not a bad thing. I even followed up with a random stranger who sent me a wonderfully poignant Christmas card but never heard back. She'd had my card and left her number; I Googled trying to remember where I met her but no such luck, though I learned she was indeed legit & had a spirit I'd like for myself but cynicism holds me back in many ways from it.

Another traditional mystique that's vanished for me is marriage since I had that. Divorce sucks, to say the least. If you're still suffering from the effects of it in your day to day life with less income, no space of your own, no means to do the things you'd like to do, or the relationship's ending hasn't even half as long as the relationship you left, you're not going to want to get married again or jump into instant exclusivity. Dudes are still approaching me from my past or in my present; some guys I'm cool with talking to since I liked them as people and want to know they're doing okay or better than I last saw them. Others are a pesky intrusion.

Word to the wise: if a woman tells you "I have a type," don't ask her what her type is since that statement means you are not her type (at least if I say it). When guys have asked me to spell that out, I do and unabashed; I don't give a damn if they feel offended by it. I've even stated "my vagina isn't a restaurant; I don't have to take all comers. I can discriminate based on race, age, national origin, whatever I want." Some guys will go all used car salesman on you when you tell them your type & how they don't fit it. It's like "Dignity, dude. Get some. Go find a lady who DOES date your type instead of bothering me."

I'm puzzled why certain groups bother me. I'm not some weakling or demure little slave. Do these idiots think a NATURAL REDHEAD is going to do that stuff? Do they just think they can go tame or weaken one? If that convention of black men dating white women b/c white women are "more willing to put up with shit" is true, why the hell would any of them approach a natural redhead?!?!? Natural redheads are territorial, assertive, tough and don't suffer fools. That guy is much better off with a black woman and leaving me alone as I also happen to like my black female friends; I'm not going to rob their dating pool or be some "white bitch" who's stolen one of their men. I wonder the same thing with Indian guys as I'm not going to tolerate that mess & it's a waste of time to think I'm going to ever put up with that. The used car salesman shit doesn't work on me; it just pisses me off. Some of these men need to do some research on natural redheads with regard to personality types since we are a creature all our own.

I do my research on cultural background on guys & won't waste my time on guys from cultures that condone or encourage disrespect of women; sooner or later that culture is going to influence you and your behavior. My demands for politeness and respect and all come from my Southern upbringing. I also have major trust issues and suffered emotional abuse in some form all my life so not reliving that shit, end of story. If I think someone is going to present a high likelihood of me having to relive it, there's no point in my putting in any sort of emotional investment. Would YOU? I won't deal with Southern rednecks for the same reason.

Yeah, I tend to limit my emotional investment in people unless or until I know they can be counted on for the big things. What's really scary is that I had to say the same thing to my law school friend Psycho Boy said to me many years ago: that I don't let anyone in, I will be lonely the rest of my life if I never let anyone in and that I needed to let someone (him, in this case) in. I told my friend "this is not something I should be telling you" since he doesn't have an alcoholic parent and didn't get to see everyone in his gender getting treated like shit when they were "married" like I did. He didn't get dumped all the time like I did & have people lie to him all the time from childhood to today or pretend to be his friend when they were just lying the whole time. He wasn't betrayed by the love of his life like I was (I feel my entire marriage was a lie). I know why I'm emotionally distant & am completely justified in mine, especially now. For me, it's like "you didn't live that so you have no reason for it."

I had to work a long time to not instantly assume friendly people were hiding a sinister agenda against me or that guys were just playing head games when they claimed interest in me. I didn't tell my friend to let ME in but I told him he needed to emotionally invest in someone at some point since he's never going to be able to have a functional marriage if he can't do that. If he did do that, I'd be shocked since something tells me he's never done that & that makes me sad for him. Since I already did that with my ex, I do know that at least I am capable of it even though I may never be able to do that again.

When I told another lawyer friend about this mystique being gone for me, he asked if I'm going to be a lesbian. I'm like "No. That whole tit thing is kind of a turnoff & I like a guy's penis way too much." Plus, I think the straight rolls off me like a stench. Different strokes and all that.

I'm simply holding out for quality and certain standards being met. I figure in the meantime, I'll stick to my own company and have my own fun adventures vs. actively pursuing dudes. Watch me get $ then tell some dudes to fuck off if they act like Johnny Come Lately types. I hate leeches.

When there's no mystique, you get a new insight. You realize guys go through the same shit, they also have insecurity, their lives aren't automatically more exciting than yours, and they have flaws like anyone else. I even told a friend after showing her a pic of my last boyfriend that even a guy who looks like him has flaws. Maybe that's "adulting?"

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