Tuesday, March 26, 2013

What the Holy Fuck?!?!?!? Craig's List Ads, Part 7 & The Ideal Job for Me

In the midst of the craziness I'm dealing with in being a cat wrangler (the vet has given our little tabby feline a nearly 100% clean bill of health; we're just waiting on the toxoplasmosis screening), I just noticed that I had all of these ads to rail on including an encounter with someone who has totally missed the boat on Networking 101.

I also encountered a fucking idiot on LinkedIn of all places who apparently decided to denounce non-Jewish attorneys wholesale and when I called him out on it, then claimed "It was a joke; I can't believe you took it seriously. We laughed about it at our office."

Funny but last I checked LinkedIn was for PROFESSIONALS who were doing legitimate things & asking legitimate questions, not a forum to attack my profession or declare yourself superior b/c you're an actor (or to jerk around, for that matter). The awesomeness of Jewish attorneys aside, don't dare make judgments about me when you've never worked with, met me in person or even spoken directly to me.

Attorneys have more education than the average actor, film exec and film producer so you best not be a prick, buttercup. You'd better believe I'm going to call out some mental midget who thinks they've got any prayer in this business by alienating entertainment attorneys. That's a promise.

Take yesterday. I saw this ad on Craig's List posted in the Manhattan, NYC section:

Beautiful Recording Artist looking to network & Gain Exposure!

Beautiful Florida recording artist is seeking someone or a company in Atlanta to help promote upcoming music campaign. Artist is very seasoned, but needs a strong person, that can help build fanbase in that area. Please contact via email for photos & links!

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: neg

Seeing this & having lived in Atlanta for a time (plus not being a fucking idiot & seizing potential opportunity when I see it), I write this in response:

Some free advice: if you want to network in Atlanta, maybe you shouldn't be posting this in NYC Craig's List in the Manhattan section. You should be actually posting in the Atlanta section; you might have better luck there.

As for me, I'm an entertainment law attorney in NYC with a NY & CT law license who went to undergrad in Atlanta. If you think you don't need to know entertainment law attorneys even if you have one or they're in a different region, you're in for a massive wake up call.

Friendly enough, right? Definitely is if you know me. Plus, it's true. Remember that 98% of the creatives I encounter in this business will kiss lawyer butt & that doesn't just go for low level folks; we're also talking A-listers and people very high up in the food chain who can (possibly are) pricks to most of humanity but don't pull that with lawyers.

Here's the response I got:

You are a psycho. Please get a life. Who said ANYTHING about not needing an attorney? not me. Goodbye

My response?

Dumbass! Looks like someone is not only illiterate but completely stupid.

First off, we don't even post our attempt to network in the correct city. Manhattan does not = Atlanta. If it did, I would have found Mr. Right long before I ever moved to the Northeast. In fact, I could have had Mr. Right come with me to NYC if that were the case. Trust me, it's not.

Second, we lie about wanting to network since most people who claim to want to network are not just nice but in some ways are deferential to attorneys. I've had people outright say they were scared of me. I expect basic civility & usually get people falling all over themselves to compliment me or be nice to me.

Third, entertainment attorneys cost a shit ton of money. Friends will get reduced rates and accommodating, regardless of the industry someone is involved in. Would you behave like an ass to a heart doctor if you had a heart condition? Would you be nasty to a criminal defense attorney if you were sitting in jail? Then, why are you being nasty to an entertainment attorney if you are a performer?

Doesn't matter if you already have legal counsel. Your lawyer could die, get disbarred, retire, sell his/her firm, get fired from the mega firm, get suspended (those ethics rules can be strict), steal your money, fall off the face of the Earth, etc. No one who has or wants to do ANYTHING in the entertainment industry is nasty to a licensed entertainment attorney. Ever.

Doing so announces to me that you're not the hot stuff you think you are. If you're trying to do international work, your domestic attorney can't do shit for you when it comes to understanding those contracts. If you think you don't need a NY or CA licensed attorney to do work in NYC or LA, you're not only stupid but a class A, fucking idiot. You might as well just hand over your money to that Nigerian attorney who contacted you about your relative's estate.

Finally, this "very seasoned artist" is trying to network using Craig's List. Guess we're not so "seasoned" after all, are we?

Oh, and since I do what I do & have my track record you'd better believe I'll remember my encounters with you and warn my contacts accordingly. I can be your greatest ally or your worst nightmare. It's up to you.

If you want to respond to this lying airhead before the post expires, here's the reply e-mail:


More utter stupidity from the entertainment community:

Assistant to Actress (NYC/LA)

Looking for a full time assistant to an actress in NEW YORK CITY and LOS ANGELES primarily.

Applicant must be college educated, be willing and able to travel without notice, have a valid drivers license and live in Manhattan.

Job responsibilities include but are not limited to:
- basic personal assistant tasks such as scheduling and booking appointments, managing calendars, arranging travel, picking up/dropping off dry cleaning, miscellaneous errands, phone calls,
emails etc...
- basic household management tasks such as making sure townhouse functions smoothly (scheduling regular maintenance (AC/HEAT, pest control, security system, gardener, etc), overseeing deliveries of household items.
- professional responsibilities range from liaising with talent agents, publicists, hair and makeup agents, fashion pr on a regular basis and specifically during awards season or press tours.
- responsibilities involved when on location or traveling include driving employer to work when on location, or to appointments, etc, light grocery shopping, managing, organizing, light cleaning of hotel room or house.

Please do not reply if you do not meet the following requirements:
College Educated
Willing and able to travel (sometimes without notice)
Possess a valid drivers license
Live in Manhattan

*Only females will be considered due to the personal nature of the job. Employer is female.*
Hours are flexible but an ability to be on call 24/7 when needed is a strict requirement.
Starting salary is NON NEGOTIABLE $30,000.

Please respond with a resume and short description of yourself and your qualifications.

Location: NYC/LA
Compensation: $30,000
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
Posting ID: 3609654649

Assistant to Actress (or is it Underpaid Slave?)

Someone's a moron to think anyone's going to work on-call for that piddling rate. Try triple that salary if you want real responses. Otherwise, this actress should be prepared to be a victim of petty theft. I know I won't shed any tears if that happens.

Entirely true & this is obviously not a legitimate actress if that's the employment terms. May she suffer some skeezy director that makes her life a living Hell! This bitch would totally deserve it for this attempt at slavery.

Tell me, what is up with all these ads from so-called industry professionals that insist on breaking basic labor & wage laws? Here's another one:

Talent Management company seeking an Intern as a Personal Assistant (NYC)

A boutique Talent Management Company in NYC is looking for an intern (unpaid) to work as a personal assistant. Management company works mainly with actors, actresses and models. You MUST have prior experience in the listed tasks in the Film & TV Industries. You need to be well versed in new & upcoming Films and TV shows. You would want to develop a career as a talent manager at some point. You MUST have experience in at least 2 of the below tasks. Please be local as our office is located in Manhattan.

Tasks: (ALL equally important)

• Work with talent and match talent to new & upcoming projects.
• Get updated constantly & get familiar with different casting calls.
• Find & book auditions.
• Connect & network with different casting personnel for the purpose of advancing talent.

Qualities: (ALL equally important)

• Be focused on the tasks at hand.
• Quick thinking and adapting.
• Punctual
• Serious and business oriented.
• Not afraid to step out of your comfort zone.
• Pro-active, someone who does not wait to be told what to do.
* Business Attire a must

You MUST have experience in the above tasks and is able to carry out the above tasks and have the qualities listed. Please also specify in the body of the email what kind of experience you have relating to the film and TV industries. Please send resume as an attachment. If you DON'T have the needed experience, PLEASE, do not reply to this ad.

Location: NYC
Compensation: Full Time Internship
This is an internship job

This was another one warranting a response & another Craig's List ad was posted the same day that tied into the response:

You are obviously NOT a legitimate company or you'd know this ad is totally illegal & would never have posted it.  Do you NOT know state & federal labor laws?  By definition an "intern" has ZERO prior experience.  People with prior experience are called "skilled workers"; those people have to be paid a wage BY LAW.

AND you want "business attire" along with someone coming to YOUR office for ZERO PAY?  Who the hell do you think YOU are?  Oh, and full time internships are also illegal.

Do YOU pay to work for people?  Do you book jobs and NOT take a percentage for them?  Do you get percentages when you don't even bother doing the work & talent gets them all by their lonesomes?  Would YOU accept such an arrangement?  I'll bet you wouldn't forfeit your percentage even if you did nothing to make a job happen.

If YOU wouldn't work for these terms, then what makes you think anyone else with basic competence will?  Who would pay $112 per month to do YOUR work?  Not to mention the possible expense of hundreds of dollars to get proper business attire (maybe $200 if the person finds a good deal on "business attire"; business suits are about $100 for a single one & decent dress pants go for about $50+ depending on where you go as well as if any alterations are needed).  Even a trust fund baby would be pissed off by your arrogance & entitlement attitude.

Go fuck yourself & learn how the business world works.  Clearly, you haven't got a clue & I sure wouldn't want you representing ME.  Business owners ARE watching & how you treat the lesser of all is a huge factor in our calculations.

Signed, An Attorney Who Owns an Entertainment Business & Isn't a Fucking Scumbag

P.S. There's a law firm dedicated to suing employers who use unpaid internships & they have gone after big industry players.  Keep it up & you will be next.

You may also wish to read the following since you are obviously stupid or exploitative jerks who deserve what they get:











I wonder if this is for that bitch talent manager who sent me unsolicited communication then had the gall to try charging me for a networking meeting? Such unprofessionalism wouldn't shock me in the least from that corner.

I hope all attorneys involved in production companies check these things out about management companies they deal with & refuse to put money in their pockets. After all, I'm sure someone could make the argument that the filmmaker attorney involved is violating ethics rules by perpetuating that company's violation of labor laws. Facts I stated there are also 100% true; there is a law firm dedicated to suing employers who engage in the practice of illegal internships.

If you want to respond & it's still up, use this:


And actors I will definitely note who your manager or agent is & if I know that they are violators of labor laws or doing something remotely shady or unethical that I don't want our company perpetuating by giving them money (or my license being at issue as a result), I will have to pass on you. Sorry you'll have to suffer but you need to take some responsibility for your career & presentation as well. If you want to get someplace with legitimate folks, you need to have credible representatives who aren't breaking laws or abusing others.

Think about how they'll treat you if they treat their interns like shit.

Oh, and there are more reasons for you new attorneys & writers to be pissed off at employers and wish for the owners/management to be immersed head first into vats of hydrochloric acid (HCl for the science geeks; I used it enough in Chemistry lab--I got enough warnings about it being nasty stuff without deciding to go find out for myself). Feast your eyes on these ads:

Blogger Interns Wanted (remote)

Digital marketing consultancy seeks qualified blogging interns.

Learn the business and increase your body of work.

Send resume and writing samples.

College credit available if applicable.

Location: remote
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

Posting ID: 357974497

This is called "volunteer work." No one's learning anything from this. You can't be a "blogging intern;" you're either a paid professional writer or an amateur/volunteer writer. As far as I'm concerned, most commercial writing should be paid for though at least these people aren't as prickish as they could be: you can work at home.

However, I see nothing about bylines or attribution for your work so why would you bother if you can't even use the samples to get a paying job?

Now, for you new lawyers:

Law Office Intern - Volunteer (Brighton Beach )
Personal Injury Law Office in South Brooklyn needs Intern-Volunteer. We are looking for a person to work full time M-F and be able to commit to work for at least three months.

Small compensation will be provided. Position may lead to future employment.

Experience with personal injury and SAGA preferred.

Please respond by email as to your availability and attach resume.

Location: Brighton Beach
Compensation: Intern - Volunteer
This is an internship job
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

I responded to this since I'm an attorney & was shocked to see this ad.

Full time internships are illegal. Go read up on state & federal labor laws.

Furthermore, you're a law firm & whoever owns it is subject to legal ethics rules. I know the ethics rules of NY state apply to Brighton Beach/South Brooklyn. Have some respect for the person if you're already paying some compensation & use the term "assistant" instead of "intern" or "volunteer." That's just insulting & could easily get you disciplined for violating the law.

Do YOU "volunteer" your legal services to clients? If you don't, then maybe you should try getting a clue & having some humanity toward others. You're definitely not helping the reputation of personal injury attorneys and firms with an ad like this.

Seriously, if you're already paying someone for something why are you demeaning them by calling them an "intern?" That's an insult in my book if you are making them work full time. Stop being an asshole & call that person what they are: an employee. Even an independent contractor/freelance arrangement for temporary full time work is better than calling someone an "intern."

This will also piss you off if you live in the area:

Part time attorney needed (Mamaroneck, NY)

Entry level, part time (minimum 20 hours) attorney for a law firm located in Mamaroneck, NY. The firm does civil litigation in both state court and arbitration, and criminal litigation as well. Morning hours only. Your duties will include:

- Case preparation for both litigation and arbitration matters
- Court appearances in both civil, criminal court & arbitration hearings
- Trials
- Legal research, writing & motion practice
- Handling new client inquiries and existing client customer service
- Communicating with courts and other law firms
- Settling civil cases

Military veterans encouraged to apply. If you are over qualified but none the less desire to apply we will entertain your application but we are firm on the starting compensation. All interested candidates please send your resume via e-mail.

Location: Mamaroneck, NY
Compensation: $15.00 an hour non-negotiable
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Reply: vzzqg-3673763465@job.craigslist.org

Why should you new attorneys be pissed off by this? I made $15 an hour on my last freelance gig & didn't have to do legal work. The work study rate at my law school legal clinic for working in the summer was $10 an hour.

Oh, and they "are firm on the starting compensation" even if someone's got years of experience but just needs a fair wage to pay student loans and put food on the table. I think this firm's partners need to live on the streets for a while. Maybe have to rely on food stamps, not be able to pay student loan debt. Sounds like these people are of the ilk that have "hobo parties" at Christmas like that one Wall Street firm did.

If you're wondering why people don't respect the legal profession or numerous attorneys hate other attorneys, especially on a generational level, look no further than these ads.

And this little gem:

In House Attorney Needed (Queens) (Queens)

In House Attorney Needed (Queens)
In house attorney needed for a busy car rental location. We need someone who specializes in labor law, insurance claims, some real estate, and small claims.

Must be great with Motions, Excellent writer and have good research skills.
Can work part time or full time starting salary 30 K
Serious inquiries ONLY
Essential Duties and Responsibilities:
* Handling a variety of legal/business matters pertaining to the organization, including providing corporate and commercial legal services.
* Assist the corporation in preparing customers contracts.
* Draft, review and negotiate a variety of contracts related to project development and finance.
* Provide legal advice and recommendations regarding corporate policies and compliance with state and federal laws.
* Pursue legal action against individuals and firms that have breached contracts and caused damage to the firm.
* Review, file and prepare various applications and registrations.
* Prepare documentation to avoid contract disputes with clients.

* 1+ years' experience either with a law firm or in an in-house situation.
* Proven experience in contract negotiations, problem solving and management of risks.
* Proven experience in completing complex transactions
* Commitment to professionalism; flexibility as to the types of projects assigned; and solid business acumen required.
* Ability to multitask
* Strong work ethic and high professional and ethical standards

Sorry, bitches. If you want MY in-house expertise you're going to have to pay me far more than $30K a year. Let's break down the hourly salary for that, shall we?

30,000/12 = $2500 a month

2500/4 = $625

625/40 (though the number could easily be higher with a legal job but let's make this a minimum amount of hours you'd be expected to work) = $15.63 an hour

625/20 (the average part-time hours but with a legal job, assume you'll be expected to do more) = $31.25 an hour

This is not even taking into account taxes. Let's do that now & assume you're taking 25% out for taxes (either you personally or the employer).

2500 x .25 = $625

2500 - 625 = $1875 per month

How much are YOUR student loan debts in a month? Would this amount even cover those? If you're working full time, is this even worth it?

NYC rent would eat up nearly all this paycheck (even in Queens) unless you had roommates, lived in a rent control/stabilized apartment, got housing from Mommy & Daddy, had no children, lived in the boonies where there's zero viable public transit (where your costs would be gobbled up by travel expenses from driving) and weren't the bread winner.

I made $25K when working in a mid-sized law firm pre-law school. Oh, and 1+ year of experience is NOT entry level. Even $30k entry level for an attorney after all the schooling & student loans 90% of us have to incur is an insult.

Crap like this says to me "We want a trust fund baby to do this vs. an actual professional who can interact with the general public without being a total asshole." This is a business owner that announces to me that they do not respect or value legal services to offer such a pathetic rate.

This is a paralegal wage, not a wage for a licensed attorney subjected to ethics rules & who has to pay for CLEs, bar association fees, malpractice insurance, student loan payments, etc.

What "excellent writer" is going to jump on this? Even a trust fund baby who could have gone to Harvard would be able to get far more lucrative job offers than this insult. I would hope any of you who read this blog & aren't dealing with student loans or came from some Ivy League school i.e. could get a BigLaw job in 5 seconds would be insulted by this on general principle.

On the other hand, I saw this ad & never got a response despite the fact that I'd be perfect for such a thing:

Seeking Marketing Partner (Midtown East)

This is not a job- I am seeking a law partner.

Experienced business attorney (15+ yrs.) seeks licensed attorney who enjoys the rainmaking and marketing aspects of business. My practice is in business law including contracts, leasing, licensing, debt negotiations and real estate. My practice already exists and has nice websites. I seek a law partner who is a skilled and dynamic marketer. I provide the skills and experience and will handle the client work.

You must be serious, committed and be able to start in your own practice. No capital is needed, but time must be invested. Experience in law is not as important as being a persistent people-person, make a great in-person presentation and have good networking skills or good existing business contacts.

Thank you.

I would love this opportunity. Somehow, this attorney figured out the perfect arrangement for this legal warrior. Why is it so ideal for me?

1. I don't want to leave my field of interest but as we all know, very few entertainment professionals make a living solely from entertainment work.

2. "Rainmaking" & "marketing" are synonymous with NETWORKING & HUSTLING. These are things I have done a lot in my career. When you own a business, you have to.

If you've got passion for something, it's also very easy to do. People have said to me that my passion for my business/the entertainment industry is obvious & undeniable.

So, could I do this? Yeah! Actually, hell fucking yeah.

3. Most attorneys aren't good at selling themselves. Many will outright tell you this. Few actually do what this lawyer did & actively seek out a partner to just handle that stuff. They try to do it all or make someone do the marketing/rainmaking AND do cases.

4. I don't want to do the client work. I tried doing that; it didn't work well for me. Litigation & court proceedings in particular are not something I consider a solo endeavor. I could do them in a team but not all alone. If it's not an entertainment or strictly transactional matter with a limited duration, I don't want to deal with it. No one I've encountered has bothered to consider paying me a fair rate for it.

My particular circumstances don't even allow me to invest in years on a case.

I want to know why in God's name I can't do this for some firm. Why can't some established attorney/firm realize that it's not good at marketing to some target population & outsource to someone who IS personable, accessible, understands the attorney perspective + has my looks? Most female attorneys aren't getting mistaken for actresses like I often do.

Most don't have the acting training or even my contacts, especially at the stage I'm in. Oh, and show me the attorney you're going to remember after a second meeting.

The only people who don't remember me after meeting me once have mental defects or are just aching to be my future victims if I ever have to go on that crime spree since it would require little for me to victimize them.

It feels like the only way you could do this is if you do BOTH the legal work & the networking, work on commission (which I refuse to do when I'd have to travel, go to networking events, lunch, meetings, etc.) or deal with someone who isn't established enough to pay you a fair wage. You also can't get most attorneys to admit that they have shortcomings & maybe bother being fair to someone who has the skills they don't.

I think $50K a year minimum is more than fair for me to do such things or equity in a profitable practice with coverage for travel costs, admission fees to events, etc. along with autonomy for me & a reduced salary that will still cover student loan payments that's not based exclusively on commission or a draw.

I don't make beelines for people 5 seconds after I arrive someplace & I'm not a huckster. Let me work my way & don't penalize me if I don't bat 1,000 every single time.

A fair job where I made $50K a year would be fine for me but apparently, the employers I see posting ads act like asking for it is akin to demanding one of those $1,000 gold flaked sundaes from Serendipity 3 served on a silver platter (even if you have prior experience). Frankly, if someone can't meet my minimum, they've told me they have no respect for me or my abilities which = they are assholes & I don't want to deal with them. Would you?

Find me that firm or attorney. Seriously, I'd consider such an arrangement. With my name & heightened profile, it looks like you'd be dumb not to talk to me about such things. The average person doesn't want to talk to a stuffy BigLaw suit; they want a living, breathing human being they can shoot the breeze with and let their hair down around.

Oh, and at least one person is just as fed up as me with stupid bullshit ads on Craig's List:


Anyone out there either starting out or looking for work, don't sell yourself short.

If you hear all these idiots on craigslist with "no budget" but in dire need of a photographer, DO NOT TAKE THE JOB. These people will never give you paid work. There will never be any perks to these jobs. These are takers, not givers. Credits on shitty blogs and websites do not pay the bills and unless they're getting over 100k users hitting there sites daily, it won't mean jack shit for you.

If a company wants quality work and a professional, then they have a budget. If they're too greedy to pay for a photographer, why should you give away your hard work and time for free?

Every day I see more and more of these posts and it's unacceptable. We have to stand together and mark them all as spam. Respond to these posts and tell them how it doesn't work that way. I know I do! We have bills to pay like everyone else. We work hard, we don't ask people for free advertising or free camera gear. We pay just like everyone else.

Don't give in to this bullshit! NO BUDGET? NO PHOTOGRAPHER!


Location: New York
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

Finally, I've had some people who got called out for BS ads bitch and moan about me doing so.

Well, guess what dummy? You post something stupid for public consumption & you deserve all the ridicule you get. Oh, I offended you or you think I'm a psycho, mean, a bully?!?!? Doesn't change the fact that you're a dumbass or a piece of garbage who needs to be taken out for the good of mankind.

You also EARN nice from me; it's not a right or an entitlement. Go fuck yourself with such demands of total strangers, especially those who are attorneys. We're the Sophia Petrillos of the world so lie down & get used to it!

If you aren't speaking out & making change in the world, you are part of the problem. Don't bitch about things if you aren't willing to speak out, be a pain in the ass when needed & create change. No one wants to hear it, least of all me.

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