Cleaning House

Sometimes, we just have to clean house. Not just literally but spiritually as well. With all the personal shit I've been dealing with these past few months, I've found it necessary to re-evaluate things in my life & clean my house, so to speak.

I've also been reminded of the fact that in December between Christmas and New Year's I will have officially been out of the South for 10 years. That's not an accomplishment I take lightly considering I had to make my own way up here. I didn't know anyone before moving here. It's also one of the best things I did in my life since my emotional state & my spirit were so much better once I lived in Connecticut. I felt like my life was finally starting since before that, I was in a temporary state. A limbo, if you will.

That's one reason why I have tons of ex stories & experiences from college; part of it was getting an education in things my parents would never have encouraged me to learn or know about. You think if I'd lived with my parents I'd have gotten to date some of the guys I did? A huge part of me was feeling like my true future wasn't going to start until I got to NYC or found people who also wanted to live there like me. I felt like I was just killing time and preparing for my life, the one I chose and the one I made vs. the one inflicted on me.

I was reading a Dear Prudence letter from this week from a woman whose grown children didn't communicate with her as much as she'd liked (it's the letter signed "Abandoned"). Then I read comments about that one & a theme started to emerge: it seemed the people who still talked to their parents were friends with them in their adult lives. Their parents weren't "their parents." They'd had a friendship relationship with them.

I thought about it & it occurred to me that I'm not really friends with my mother. I'm not really friends with my sister either when you analyze it. There are things I absolutely wouldn't be able to discuss with them that I could discuss with most of my friends & we're way too different for there to be very much common ground. I wondered whether I would be "friends" with these people if I met them someplace or would have had them around if they weren't related to me. The answer is "no." In fact, our worlds would most likely never collide if you consider this objectively.

My mother was not the type you could talk sex ed with. If she'd had her way, I'd have gotten married a virgin & then just married everyone I slept with like my sister; perhaps I'd have even been frigid. My mother probably maintains to this day that if she'd had her way I wouldn't have gone to college in Atlanta. I see Atlanta as a partial refuge from some of the shit I had to deal with & got to live on my own, make my own decisions and as Janet Jackson would say, "I'm gonna be the one in control." In Atlanta, I was in control.

Had my mother been the kind of parent who wouldn't have the urge to throw scalding water on you if you'd dared to suggest abortion as a solution to an unwanted pregnancy, maybe I could have had a better relationship with her. At least, a more honest one.

My sister told me I was the favorite kid but I've never seen it. I think both she & my mother judge my lifestyle and the fact that I don't live in a prison of others' expectations. Since I don't see my mother (or even my sister, for that matter) respecting me for who I am and not making little cracks implying I'm a slut for not marrying everyone I had a sexual relationship with, I think we're at an impasse. It's creepy how my sister is starting to become more like my mother when she was quite the rebel as a kid.

Now I have decided the kids shouldn't suffer. I'll still get birthday & Christmas gifts for the niece & nephews since it's not their fault people in my family can't treat me with the basic level of respect they'd treat a total stranger. If family members refuse to give them those gifts, that's their pettiness if you ask me. If they trash me, that's also their pettiness. I think my oldest nephew especially will eventually see people in his family as I see them. I also got my mother something I told her I'd get her beforehand to not be a total bitch.

It's funny because it's not like my mother hasn't cut people off herself. She doesn't talk to most people in her family & doesn't really have an explanation except she doesn't want to deal with them. If she doesn't have to deal with people in her family, then why should I have to deal with people in mine? Why is "family" some sacred cow I have to follow but isn't for her or millions of other people who don't talk to their relatives for various reasons, good or bad?

I might look quite young but my spirit is much older. You have to remember that I went through big life altering, perspective changing events earlier in life than the average person. My spirit is in a state of fatigue with general acts of BS. I just don't have the will or interest in dealing with nonsense in any corner of life. I have no time or interest in chasing anyone or trying to make anyone like me or give a damn about stuff I do. To me, that train is moving along and if you aren't on it you probably won't get to hop back on especially as things are picking up in other areas of life.

I also recently got rid of a Facebook friend that wasn't really my friend. More like an acquaintance of my husband's. She decided to make a backhanded remark on a political issue I am extremely hard core about based on my personal experience; apparently, she's perfectly fine with illegals charging into the country & not bothering to learn enough English to be able to call the police or know when school is closing for the kids. I challenged her remark & she showed her true colors. I got on the defensive, de-friended & blocked her.

Then, she made the mistake of contacting my husband. He told her off & also de-friended/blocked her. Like a leaf falling from a tree branch, she was gone. It's not like she'd made any real effort to be a friend in the first place. And, gee, what is the title of this blog? When I friend people on Facebook or get requests from people, what's the first thing I say? What occupation do I have state licensing in? These should be blatant clues that I'm outspoken & you'd better not come to a debate with me without having some sound logic to back up your position. I'm also proud of my husband for standing by me this time & not trying to change or challenge me.

As a rule, I don't generally de-friend people for disagreeing with me. I'll listen to dissent but you have to present a clear, rational argument for why you disagree with me. You don't get to make backhanded, veiled remarks that might be a personal attack on me. You also don't get to expect me never to take a stand on anything. Jesus, do you WANT me to have a stroke, go on a shooting spree, or do something else crazy, destructive & generally bad for society at large? That's what you'll get if you try to impose censorship on me. It's also a major factor in my working for myself. At least some people appreciate me for who I am instead of what they wish I were or think I am.

I viewed this little exchange as just more cleaning house. When you're severing relationships with close family, it sort of feels like you've just gotten out of prison and had shackles removed from you after having worn them for decades. I feel like I'm rubbing my wrists and looking out at the horizon into a new life and future. I decided it was not my problem that my mother doesn't want to speak with anyone or take steps to help herself. I have my own life to live & my own psyche to consider.

Grief and all this is sort of funny. My career popping has been keeping me going & given me a nice distraction from all this mess; I've actually done more modeling, which has made me feel tons better. Friends have also been a help. The real ones who have some self-respect & don't spend more time taking from me than giving.

My mother claimed that I never let anyone make a mistake. Well, it depends on the mistake. Am I picky & critical? Yes. I won't lie. In my business, letting someone make one huge mistake can mark the end of a career and reputation you worked forever to build. There's also the question of remorse. Should I just be a doormat?

I've always felt people in my family have allowed the world to treat them as doormats, which I can't do. Especially for people who are supposed to have your back in the personal context. They're more important than the people you're doing business with & get to see the real you. I feel like a real friend isn't someone who makes you feel like you can't be "the real you" around them.

I also have high standards for myself and those who get the privilege of being in my life. That's how we should view people in our lives: privileged. If someone doesn't take that seriously, then in my opinion they don't belong in your life. If I'm making all the effort or doing everything, how do I know the person actually cares or if they just don't want to hurt my feelings but could really care less about me?

When I dated guys, I eventually adopted a 2 week rule. If a guy didn't follow up with me after a first date or meeting in 2 weeks, I'd say "Next!" and move right on. If I'd met some other guy within that time, I'd have probably said "Next!" even sooner if the second guy was following up & showing me he actually valued my presence. Comes back to the basic ethic of "Life's too short." It really is. For me, it's way too short to deal with bullshit. Even when getting dumped, I had a process for getting over a break up down pat. I only had a problem once when my sex buddy came along too soon in the grief process & made it take a week longer than it should have. See why my longest relationship with a guy in the same zip code before my husband was 6 months?

I think more people should view others' presence in their life as a privilege, not an entitlement or a right kind of how David Chase viewed the characters on The Sopranos (he said any of them, including Tony, could be dead at any time). I also feel more than justified in why those relationships ended since it allowed me to spot problems & articulate exactly what I wasn't putting up with in the next guy. I wasn't the type to linger in a bad relationship & I still wouldn't. I feel like it delays the inevitable.

These are reasons cleaning house can be a very good thing. At least as a writer and actress, I've got a lot of emotions to draw from and creative spark to work with. For me, those are good things. You've got to use tragedy and bad shit somewhere & I feel like putting them in a positive place is much better than wallowing in it.

Being Jerked Around - Who Hates It???

This has to be one of my biggest pet peeves in life, especially when dealing with business. If I don't know the answer to something or don't do what I'm supposed to, I apologize & tell you the damn truth. In fact, I probably err on the side of being too truthful because I hate the feeling of limbo.

I was the sort of retail associate who'd screw over the company in a second to help a customer. If I felt the company had an asinine policy or was being unfair to the customer, I'd throw them under the bus without a second thought. This was when I was in high school.

Not much has changed. At this point, I've concluded that working at a big company would a mistake. I think people who know me would agree: I lack the questionable morals & desire to show fealty to a heartless company where I'm eating scraps while the CEO is having filet mignon and wouldn't think twice about laying me off even if I saved the company from going under, rescued his/her young child from drowning & uncovered theft by the top brass. I also can't imagine a major company being stupid enough to employ someone as smart, assertive & creative as I am. Big companies don't value those things. Oh, hell no!

Seeing the second Dear Prudence letter here just confirmed it. Some of the comments also illustrate that many other people don't mind being slaves to their companies but oh, I'm not one of them. I did go above & beyond in the past but I never worked for people who exploited me or didn't reward my effort. When you don't reward someone for good behavior, they will not bother. And when others bitch about it? Surefire way to stop that above & beyond stuff!

I'd also have to warn any lecherous client that ever dared propose or take an indecent liberty with me that if you try it, I'll make sure to have a metal handle fan so I can hit you upside your head. That's if I'm feeling nice; you don't want to know what might happen if I'm not feeling nice or who else might hurt you.

My life has become an endless "maybe" job limbo. Just when I think all hope is lost, something happens to make me think "Maybe?" It's a constant roller coaster that I'm sick of being on. Even if you have no prospects, take it from me that you're better of not being on that kind of roller coaster. My fear is that if I stop following up, I'll never hear a damn thing again or will get dismissed because I wasn't aggressive enough. Honestly, I don't think I care anymore. It's just irritating when my husband tells me to keep following up since he fears he'll once again be on the layoff chopping block. Another example of what happens when you're a dick to employees: they don't bother doing volunteer stuff on their off time.

So, do higher ups at some of these companies know nothing of the concepts of punishment & reward?? Motivation? Threatening someone with getting fired for not exploiting themselves, thereby showing they are a "team player" just doesn't amuse or impress me.

Hell, though I was in a sorority I was never hazed. I'm the sort who'd just quit or do something downright sinister to the hazers. We also never hazed anyone else in my chapter & I've never heard about hazing in other chapters. See why I've called mine an "anti-sorority?" That's one of the reasons.

I also contacted a law school that is setting up legal services for an area of law I know quite well & have contacts in. If I wanted to, I could be a great resource to find people for them & I certainly think I have the experience to volunteer.

However, my inner cynic tells me I'm going to be just as disappointed with this group as I am with any other. How come?

For one, many sources dealing with volunteer entertainment services have this elitist attitude that any attorney not from a T1 school is an inferior attorney or automatically unequal to a Harvard or Yale graduate who just got admitted.

This is a colossal mistake in entertainment law. For one thing, I read that Charlie Sheen's attorney who has his place in entertainment as a tough enforcer is not some Ivy League graduate. He went to Brooklyn Law School. Yet, he's representing celebrities & I'm sure no one would denigrate him for not being a Yale graduate.

Guess what, stupids? Entertainment law is a purview of personality. Clients don't pick attorneys based on their law schools. That's also true elsewhere but it's definitely true in entertainment law. Personality is king. If you're a jerk, it doesn't matter if you were #1 at Harvard; creative clients won't want to work with you. I know this from talking to many different creative people who were looking for lawyers.

And funny, most of the entertainment lawyers I've talked to also feel like outsiders from the typical firm atmosphere & can't stand the elitism of typical lawyers.

Second, these elitists also believe that any attorney who hasn't been practicing for decades is completely useless & a moron who knows nothing about nothing. I beg to differ in this area since I'm doing something most attorneys of any level don't get to do. My circumstances are different & dismissing me for being licensed for 3 years instead of 7+ without looking at a my specific situation just shows you're an idiot.

If you wonder why I don't recommend things like Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts, that's why. If these organizations don't deem me good enough to assist in an area I have a fair amount of knowledge in, why should I bother recommending them to people who despise elitism probably even more than me? I don't view it as selfish to my colleagues but more like sparing them BS & opting to connect them with quality people that I know will treat them as human beings worthy of respect instead of just a case (time suckage problems notwithstanding). Believe me, that kind of thing determines just what kind of legal services you're going to get. If you are not valued, the lawyer isn't going to be on top of things even if the person's #1 in that area of law.

So I can be an ally or an enemy: your choice. If you refuse to listen to me, I'll never lift a finger for your benefit. Coldhearted or not, that's business folks.

I was also quite gratified to see Cupcake Stop closing. I call BS on the "hiatus" since most business owners would either cede control to partners, hire a new CEO, or sell to someone else & live happily on the proceeds. They'd never just let the business close unless those steps weren't an option.

I had nothing to do with it but I'd be lying to say I don't take some pleasure from seeing a jerk get his comeuppance. Things like that renew my faith in the world & humanity as well as keep me from doing things like becoming a con artist.

You want to get in my face about being happy with the workings of karma? You've obviously never been wronged or treated unfairly in some way. Your life has been cookies & sunshine. Talk to me when you've had some of my life experiences or could beat me in hard luck stories. Avoid religious talk as well since it's irrelevant to me. Respect my beliefs & I'll respect yours; end of story.

And to conclude, it seems I now have to risk becoming an alcoholic or the wife of one to delay getting Alzheimer's. Great!

So I'm just screwed coming & going, aren't I? Not bad enough I had to live with an alcoholic as a child & be subjected to a level of secondhand smoke that will probably lead to lung cancer when I'm older: now I have to start drinking & potentially screw up my entire life. Lovely. Maybe I'll be dead before it's an issue considering my relatives generally died in the 60s-70s range & cancer runs rampant on both sides. On that cheery note...

I'll have to make a list of my pet peeves ranked in order someday. Being jerked around is definitely going to be in the top 5.