Signs of the Inevitable

For years, I've lived this struggle between maintaining private figure rights & accepting that I look as I do and will likely get opportunities in the entertainment industry because of it (it's happened already). People suggested I create a Facebook fan page, for instance, because of doing things on my own creatively and having fans.

Until Friday, I was skeptical of doing that for myself. I wasn't sure I actually had any fans other than current Facebook friends & some networking contacts. Why would you need a fan page if all your fans already know who you are & might be privy to details you have/share on your personal page?

That changed with doing modeling & having pictures posted publicly. I had 2 different random people send me friend requests who had no connection to any pre-existing friends, industries I work in and weren't people I remembered meeting recently. One had even sent me a message asking me which model I was in this one shoot I did.

Not wanting to give the option of "fuck off" or being in the same realm as actual friends/contacts who I don't mind knowing the personal details of my life (I'm not even sure my life is THAT exciting but it probably will be more interesting soon), I figured it was time I created a fan page. This way, I could correspond with and talk to people as me, the creative. Me, the person who is doing modeling pics in underwear (as part of a professional job, thank you, not me going to the bathroom & taking underwear shots with my iPhone). Me, the person who writes this blog & has opinions on things in life.

I'm a private person. I don't trust people easily. If I bother to confide in you even slightly or want to talk to you about personal stuff, feel honored since you're part of a very small group. I have also done 2 other modeling shows since the first one & did go out in underwear. That experience was also liberating, didn't feel uncomfortable and I didn't feel exploited while doing it. In fact, most people complimented how I looked or understood that modeling isn't the same as real life & is part of a show just like any acting performance I might do. Plus, it's not like I was in a thong or doing nudity.

A fan page also made sense to avoid having my husband want to kick guys' butts for complimenting me in modeling pictures. I know fan appreciation when I see it.

This is probably the climax of what else happened this week. In short, got some potentially life changing news, did more house cleaning by ridding myself of a hateful loser who will never be and figured out that I may be doing even more house cleaning.

Here's a question for the filmmakers, performers & those in the entertainment industry with even a remote type of public profile: Do you have to be an orphan to maintain artistic integrity?

I ask this since it seems a certain type of family insists on censoring adult members by scolding them for social media status updates. In this case, it's overly religious families and perhaps Southern families as well. My husband got a comment from one of his relatives about my modeling pictures and how she didn't what I wrote in my blog. My blog based on MY opinion & feelings on things. MY blog that has a following & where people have encouraged me to speak freely, be myself and all that good stuff.

My husband, great guy that he is, told this relative that I'm an adult & have free speech rights. With a nickname like "the enforcer," what do some people expect from me? Do they think they're going to tell me what to write, what to think & what to feel for me to listen to them and not do whatever it is that offends them so? Do they not have any self-control or options NOT to look at things? NOT to read things? Maybe not try censoring my art or my artistic voice?

Sorry but telling someone they shouldn't say or do something related to an opinion or feeling is an attempt to silence my artistic voice. Telling me not to speak or debate something is telling me to be some mindless robot & anyone who knows me well knows that's not who I am.

I've had with the tyranny of family! You'd think I was a web cam girl or working as a stripper with the general commentary on me doing underwear modeling for a fashion show. I was pondering yesterday how in the world real life adult entertainment people put up with this. I also wondered about stand-up comedians and remembered the one whose mother-in-law sued her because she didn't like a joke she made. I also recalled Margaret Cho's reaction when watching the commentary to an episode of All American Girl when her character is doing stand-up & her family is offended. The character gives up her stand-up career for the family while Margaret Cho herself says if her family asked her to do that or got offended by some joke she made, she'd tell them to fuck off.

As part of my new life outlook, I've insisted on honest relationships with people (including family members). I insist on family seeing me as who I am today, not what they wish I was or who I used to be. I've outgrown pretending & lying about things to cater to closed-mined, prejudiced assholes who don't love the real you. To me, it's too much work, too much effort and life's too short for it.

Maybe part of this also comes from never having older generation relatives that I respected or who really showed much love to me. It's very hard to recognize abusive family members & rid yourself of their abuse, especially if you grew up in the same house with them. However, I think Dear Prudence is right in saying that being old shouldn't entitle someone to be an asshole to their family or have their nastiness catered to by their families. I swear, the more I read that column & about the family problems people complain about the more resolute I am in my recent choices.

Life is not worth surrounding yourself with haters who want to tear you down, see you fail or drag you down to their level instead of striving for things on their own or helping themselves get ahead. I don't think I'm special for having done what I did; I was just determined and felt like life was way too short to settle for mediocrity or unhappiness. You don't get a hundred do-overs for life (unless you believe in reincarnation, of course, and that doesn't mean you'll still be human when you come back). I figure if Margaret Cho would do that, then why should I cave to the tyranny of family?

It feels like I'm going to have to get used to being alone in a distinct sort of way. Celebrities have talked about this feeling before & remembering it now, I feel like that's my future. My husband says he 100% supports me in my career; I want more people like that around instead of those who don't get it & just want to turn me into a little robot who has no independent thoughts or feelings.

One of these days, I'll feel settled in my personal interactions but I really wish I knew when that day would be.

The Nursing CLE Event, an Interview & More Random People From the Past Bugging Me

As mentioned before, I went to a nursing conference recently on endometriosis. This actually took place at Lenox Hill hospital in their auditorium. Despite not being a nurse myself, I had a few reasons for going:

1. Networking (but to be fair, that's a reason for me to most things in life)
2. Comparing a medical CLE event to the numerous legal CLE events I've gone to, that thankfully I don't have to attend live if I don't want to at this point
3. Helping out a friend via accomplishing #1

After doing this, I had an interview for a story on my whole childfree experience. That publicity from Slate.com just keeps paying off in various ways. I wonder if that's also how random people from the past are coming out of the woodwork to contact me.

So, I went to this event & have some impressions:

A) These doctors & speakers were much better than many lawyers I've seen speak. First off, none of you are going to compare to Dr. Seckin's presentation where he had illustrations of his topic. People marveled at the production values he had. Very few attorneys could pull that off.

I also noticed more eye contact & sincere attempts to engage the audience. Another thing I've not seen often enough in presenters at legal CLEs.

B) I ordered the right food. Yes, you got a choice of lunch & I picked well since I liked my main course. The spread was nice & they posted signs telling you what items were. I thank that catering company for that. It's the first time I've seen that; some of us didn't live in households with very cosmopolitan menus so unless it's familiar to those folk, we won't tend to eat or try new things. Ironic that I'm not a foodie but I'm a Yelp Elite, isn't it? I know some of those folks are.

C) I didn't see younger nurses & I don't know what the custom is for them and business cards. No one gave me theirs so I didn't give mine. In some cases, I just didn't get the vibe to do it or feel that I was dealing with the right population. I'm trying to find the non-traditional, disaffected types.

For those who aren't aware, I do get vibes from people sometimes. I'm not great at it but I have gotten them before. When I don't get a good vibe or an open vibe, I'm not going to bother. That's just how I operate. I got that vibe big time from their celebrity spokesperson (not a big time person in case you were wondering).

As I've said before most people I've met in entertainment, even higher profile people, tend to be very nice if they hear you're a lawyer. This person didn't so believe me, that's going to be duly noted.

My sister wants to do nursing and all I can say after this is she'd better be darn good at science if she wants to be a success at it. I'm not sure if she is or what her feelings are on it.

After that, I had my interview & that went better save for this old lady in the restaurant who was remarking on my speaking. I hear her keep saying "She talks a lot!" (well, duh I was being interviewed so of course I was) & making other cracks as I'm doing the interview. When I came in, there was a lot of people but when we got to later in the interview, there were very few people.

I get asked one question after hearing this woman carrying on & in answering (and hearing her mutter again loudly) I mutter "Bitch" under my breath. My interviewer asked about it but figuring she may not have heard this bitchy woman, I didn't bring it up & just kept going in the interview.

After that, I didn't notice the bitch making more comments about me. She moved on to some gentlemen sitting to our left. I'm not sure if she was insane, if the restaurant knew about her or what the deal was.

I don't think going to the conference was a total waste (though I hate getting up early if I'm not getting paid for it) but I didn't really get to network & just didn't have much of a vibe. I figure if I do that sort of networking, I'd have to do just do it online through LinkedIn or something. However, I did observe that the way endometriosis is treated by many doctors & society is one example of the total disregard women are given in society. I also feel like at least the medical community is more concerned about people's day to day experiences & offering programs with information people can use when they walk out the door. I wish more CLEs had that; it feels like many of them don't have things I can use in my day to day life since I don't work in some mega-law firm or have a traditional job (note I didn't say "all"; I found training for Monday Night Law to be useful in day to day life).

I'd also like to see more programs talking about larger societal issues and perhaps teaming up with professionals in other communities & discussing the links between different areas. With many CLE courses you see in my field, you'd think lawyers exist in a vacuum or on an island someplace.

A few days ago, I get a LinkedIn connection request from someone I know. I approve it and then get another connection request from someone I know (or at least, know of). It's the director of alumni relations at my undergrad.

That came as a shock to me for a number of reasons:

1. I've told that office more than once that I would never give a general contribution to the school & spelled out exactly why. Part of it is that if I wanted to fund racism, I'd just give my money to the KKK instead of a pack of hypocrites who claim to be tolerant and accepting of all but kept protecting a racist frat that got them into the press with their antics & was reviled by a great many students there.

2. I told people who I did speak to from those days not to give out my contact information to the alumni office since I had no interest in giving them money. Everyone I talked to agreed to this condition, which got even more important after working with my film company.

Now I don't think anyone violated my trust but if they did, they'd regret it (as anyone who knows me would agree).

3. My name is different & I don't post personal pics of myself on social media. Nor do I use that old name in searches since it's not part of my identity and hasn't been in quite some time. That name has no connection to my legal identity; I've even referred to it as my slave name & won't answer to it.

Had I not gotten married, I would have paid money to change it once I had a good alternative.

After getting this random LinkedIn connection request and hearing about an upcoming alumni event in NYC, I decided I'd just be honest about my feelings toward my undergrad. To hell with anyone found what I had to say offensive or insulting or if it hurt their precious little feelings! My thought was (and has been) that if you're going to contact me after years & years, you're getting the same treatment you'd get if you were some random stranger who'd sent me a Facebook friend request. You're getting the real me, not some sanitized or artificial or PC version. Real me isn't going to censor herself or worry about offending you; real me is going to tell the truth & get her feelings off her chest.

That long lost relative who contacted me ages ago didn't get that my business requires me to watch my back & not be fully trusting of virtual strangers. If you don't get that, I can't explain it to you so I left that situation as is.

I got a response after writing this director, who informed me that the racist frat was no longer on their campus & that everyone has some bad experience at their undergrad (sorry, you won't be swaying me to give that school money after I managed to win in spite of what a rational person would see as the attempt to sabotage me & ruin my shot to live up to my potential).

She's the one who told me about the black sorority coming to campus; thank God they aren't having to deal with that. I would feel horrible for them having to try to get members while a totally racist frat is running around & probably subjecting them to total crap treatment. I may not agree with the concept of a racially separated sorority but from what I recall of the environment at the time for black folks, being a student there was no picnic & I think it would be wrong for some stranger to have to go through that.

After verifying that information on the frat's official website (since I vet everyone & everything as a matter of course), I decided I'd attend that alumni event on Monday. A former professor of mine (who is a LinkedIn connections) is supposed to be there.

In my message to this director, I also said I have no issue with talking to individuals or offering advice to alumni or new grads. You have to judge individuals on their own merits. I never mind requests for advice or informational interviews & have certainly done this for attorneys who wanted to work in the entertainment field. If you don't mind the unvarnished truth, I'll certainly give it to you if asked.

We'll see if those career advice articles that say try networking with your undergrad alumni network is valid for me or not. I hadn't really used that network since I don't live anywhere near my undergrad campus and only have a handful of people I deal with from that time; most of them are sorority sisters. Boy, if I meet that bitchy lawyer who told me I'd never make it, she'll be in for a shock. I'm not so sure she's around since I've never encountered her in nearly 5 years in the legal field & being at bar associations in Manhattan. Maybe I should try looking her up on LinkedIn since different name, different life.

That experience made me vow never to treat someone else that way. In short, she was a dream killing jerkwad who made assumptions about me & my life not to mention severely underestimating my hatred, disconnect & total square peg status with the South. I still remember her name & I mentioned this to the alumni director as well (yep, I discussed EVERYTHING I encountered that was bad though acknowledged that there were some good people around as well). I also wonder when this racist frat was booted off and what happened; as of 2009, I know they were still there so my moral outrage has been quite appropriate for years.

I'm also shocked that they finally let people film at the school; I remember it being a huge thing to deny folks that opportunity. Maybe some higher ups got a clue? Guess I'll see. The jury's still out on my feelings about that place or where it's going. Again, no general contributions but individual groups that helped me could get things from me when I had the means to do it.

If you spit on my giving advice or information, then I'm not into handing you money. Just a fact. To me, advice & information are free but useful if you haven't got the knowledge & savvy. Ask anyone who doesn't have a mentor & had to make a lot of mistakes on their own. Had they had someone to consult, they might have been able to save themselves from heartache & hassle.

Any smart person who hopes to get anywhere knows they aren't the foremost expert on everything & that they'd better keep learning if they want to get anywhere, especially from those who come around later on. They also know they won't live forever & aren't the start or end of a profession. I've felt this way forever, especially when I started out & was looking for guidance on things.

You know, there is one very good thing about those unresolved issues coming up from your past: you get the opportunity to get closure, speak out & put things to rest. Regardless of how things happen if someone reaches out to you, you've been given the power to embrace today & free yourself from some past, sanitized version of yourself. You get to say things you might have been afraid to say or felt you couldn't say in the past. If you're an adult, you get to stand on your own two feet & handle things your way.

Since I dealt with all this, it does feel like catharsis & weight off my shoulders. Time & distance can resolve conflicts you couldn't deal with or were too young for at the time. Plus, if I'm going to have to be in the public sphere I might as well confront things head on & not be a chicken.

Doing an extra gig on Tuesday where someone I know is the casting director (so it's more of an undercover boss kind of thing) & dealing with Comic Con on Thursday & Friday so my week's going to be eventful. Posts will be dealing with those individual experiences & believe me, you'll hear about any pricks I encounter at Comic Con (especially any big name types since I won't want to deal with them in my business or expose their shit to my colleagues).

Job Hunting: Must You be a Crackhead in Order to get Hire/Fire Authority in Corporate America?

I think it's a requirement, personally. It also seems all legal employers are required to be addicted to something before getting that type of authority.

Why do I say this? Oh, let me count the ways:

1. The job hunt seems to be the only time when basic courtesy is not only allowed to be ignored but downright discouraged. I've seen this sentiment expressed a hundred times on this one HR blog I read on occasion.

As a business owner having done interviews, I made damn sure to follow up with people seeking opportunities with us. I didn't pull dick moves & lie to people like the SOBs I've had to deal with (some of which you can read about in this blog).

After my latest experience in that whole "waiting for a job" (that's not even paying a basic salary, by the way) garbage, I've given up on looking for any sort of day job.

For one thing, there's no opportunity for someone with my usual background and anyone claiming that they seek someone different or unique is a liar. When I put my hat in the ring, it never pans out.

Second, I'm just not motivated to do it. If someone wants me to do something, they'll have to find me & make an offer. Barring that, I don't care anymore. I want to work in my own business badly enough to die before taking on some job I'd hate that would kill my spirit.

Oh, and that same social media you use to monitor employees? It works both ways, assholes!!! People will talk about your shitty behavior & future applicants will not want to work for you. Think for a second: would YOU want to work at a company that has a history of lying to applicants, paying nothing while expecting one person to work for 5 or breaking the law? Would YOU want to work someplace where sexual harassment was encouraged instead of punished? Many people don't want to work at these places.

Frankly, lying pisses me off & I don't care about maintaining bridges with liars. Maybe these jerks might should consider that someday THEY may need jobs & guess who their interviewer is...someone like me that they've lied to. You think I'm going to give such a person a job? You must be on crack.

2. Career advice articles continue to tout that job applicants should "suck it up" and not complain when a potential employer interviews them & then refuses to follow up. Consider that they actually suggest you continue an interview after being asked illegal questions.

Let me tell you, law firms are notorious for doing this shady crap if you believe sites like Ms. JD and other legal blogs where people talk about sexism toward women (not to mention other asinine remarks that people told me about getting in interviews). I know precisely what I'd do if I were asked an illegal question. I'd immediately say "I don't think we have anything else to discuss. Good day," and walk out the door/hang up the phone. Try & stop me and I'll freely explain your blatant disregard for the law + what it says to me about your business (i.e. that you're perfectly okay with sexual harassment, defrauding clients, making people work off the clock & God knows what else).

If I wanted to be demeaned, I would go work as a stripper or as a prostitute. Craig's List keeps allowing those ads for escort agencies so certainly I can find places to be demeaned without having to work for some hypocrite wearing a business suit.

Let's not forget that how an employer treats you when you're an applicant & not even working there is the best you're going to get. If they're treating you like crap at the stage when they're supposed to be impressing you (or "wooing" if you want to go BigLaw fancy), how will they treat you when you're a rank & file employee? This is a question I asked myself in dealing with schools & I think it's very relevant to potential employers.

And if you're treating a potential client that way, it's inexcusable to keep giving business to you since you're the worst business person ever.

3. This article that outright says promotions are based on favoritism.

So, if this is how promotions happen, then why the hell would I bother with working for anyone other than myself, my best friend or anyone who truly respects me???

In sum, it seems no company not owned by you, your friends or anyone with a semblance of competence wants anyone with a brain. They only want "yes" people & slaves/robots. Case in point and I'm shocked "absolute fealty to the company above everything & everyone else" isn't listed as a trait that's irresistible to employers.

Newsflash: you can't expect absolute, unconditional loyalty from someone who isn't a partner or a high ranking person in your business. Underpay them and/or make the workplace atmosphere suck & you're an absolute joke if you think anyone's going to have a speck of loyalty to you. I don't care about industry custom, this is a just a fact of life.

One final thought: if you're too much of a pussy to tell people the hard truth (you're fired, we're not going to give you a 2nd/3rd round interview, we gave someone else the job [probably the owner's kid or some other nepotistic relationship]), then you should not be in management. Being a pussy is a good way to get shot up when someone finally snaps & starts a killing spree. Bad karma begets bad karma. I personally don't want pussies in my ranks; perhaps they remind me of the 7th grade clique bitches I grew up around who'd be nice to your face & cut you down behind your back. I say tell me the damn truth & let ME handle it.