NYC & Life in the Pandemic Age

Got back to NYC somewhat recently from NC and discovered that many of bottoms no longer fit. No more H&M size 2 skirts that fit the same. Most of my dress pants are now too small and even many dresses don't fit. I weight myself and now I'm 120. Granted, not fat ass territory and probably me at a normal weight (most people tend to say I'm TOO thin) but I can't help but feel like a fat ass. Yes, my diet is drastically different in NYC and there's far more walking to be had here; I even live in a 4th floor walkup and realized I could also just do stair running if I want to really get exercise. Everyone's like "you'll get to your same size again; just do some situps". I went to get a COVID test in my neighborhood then to a nearby grocery store and when I got back, I woke up the next day to leg pain. I thought "Get over it, legs. There'll be much more of that around here." I also realize a lot of people have gained weight; some even went through worse (like my landlady, who's still recovering from her hospitalization at the peak of COVID and is now trying to regain the ability to walk; she used to do a lot of the household stuff around here but now can't do such things).

Coming back here feels like starting a new school since so many things are different. None of my stuff was in the kitchen fridge and freezer. My stuff was still safe and I didn't have to walk into bug fest so that was a relief. When I first walked into this room with my new luggage, I thought "this room is much smaller than I remember it." After a few hours, I got over that space difference.

Yet as I've been traveling around here, it feels like there are still things that are the same. Broadway in my neighborhood is still the same. On my bus ride yesterday, the areas I passed through looked the same. The Upper East Side is reportedly still safe (a couple of friends live in that area). Not all the cute guys left NYC from my observation. I'm still not feeling the subway or being out after dark right now but at least I'm not hearing gun shots in this area or having to worry about being attacked on the streets in my neighborhood. I also get a lot more privacy here than I would in NC. Total lack of privacy there and everyone agrees that if my sister and her family had their own house, things would be a lot better for everyone concerned since there's a lack of space. It feels like that plan is getting farther and farther away for them. I was doing a lot of livestreaming but then my family leaders got bullied off the site, other family members joined new families and I'm not into paying money into this app to get means to give gifts to people who'll likely never gift me if I'm going live. I actually haven't gone live since I've gotten back to my apartment but may do my farewell address today. I also know I need to do some creative writing and more podcast episodes (and put a link to the podcast on my website!!).

Then I got put in Facebook jail about a month ago and am not feeling returning since Facebook wants to openly be a fascist network as of October 1st. To me, that's "why should I bother here?" It's like they know nothing about attorneys or what they actually DO in life. Catering to or endorsing societal BS isn't in the job description, nor would any sane person want it to be. I also know the fate of attorneys in commie regimes so attorneys supporting that look incredibly stupid to me. I also had a much better time not being on Facebook other than in Messenger or elsewhere and not really posting. Plus, I've been doing more networking on LinkedIn, using a legal posting service and trying to spend time with friends and family. Still getting my unemployment and just trying to hang in there, pray and so forth. With a viable paying income, I'm not sure exactly what I'd do or where I'd go but still trying to evaulate what I'm going to do (give up my room & move my stuff to some storage unit in NC, move someplace else in NY or CT, store my stuff in NY or CT and go back to NC). I'm honestly not sure but I know what I'll find intolerable and won't go giving my mother a heart attack. I think she and my family are probably happy I came to NC instead of remaining in NYC to possibly get sick. I understand that positive cases are about 1% here at the moment. I have no issues with mask wearing and was doing that before most people were.

I'm also wondering if I could get my clothes "unaltered" since most of my things had to be altered to fit my smaller size from before. Not sure about evening gowns and I know some of my formal dresses or cocktail dresses weren't altered before so I'm out of luck on those. However, clearing stuff out has actually given me more wardrobe space. I haven't decided how I feel about that yet. I also know there may be no need for me to wear dress pants or evening gowns in the near future. My mom told me not to get rid of clothes yet since I may lose that NC weight. The major factors behind that are much bigger meals, less healthy food in those meals and far less physical activity (though I tried to go to the store with family on weekends to get out of the house and get exposure to sunlight + make sure my immune system would be okay). I'm thinking I'll stay until maybe shortly before Halloween and I'm trying to figure out a costume where a face covering makes sense & that's not too scary for my niece and nephew. I have 2 major ideas and one might be more affordable though will come with something that may be hard to find storage space for later. Unless I have a physical reason to stay in NYC, I'll probably just stay in NC for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Maybe I'll even do my birthday though I couldn't tell you what I want or if I have any plans for going someplace. I haven't even though about Christmas or Thanksgiving.

I will be SOO pissed if my leather pants and my evening gowns will no longer fit or can be altered. At least those pants aren't the right style for a costume idea I have planned and if the previous tailor didn't remove material, most of those dresses could just be "unaltered" to the original sizes. Yes, we shouldn't get too attached to clothing but fortunately I didn't spend tons of money on most of my clothes and some of it is replaceable. I spoke with Mr. Big Stuff and others about the fact that my bottoms no longer fit yet my underwear still fits and asked him about a major relationship matter: would you drop someone over not looking exactly the same as they did when you married them? He said he's picky about such things, including for himself so I think his answer is "yes." I'm like "I'm not referring to being obese or overweight or being formerly active but now becoming a couch potato; I'm talking about the slowing of metabolism and aging." I'm not sure whether he realizes people usually get fatter when they age due to slowing metabolisms and that has me wary but I told him my concern is personality changes like becoming a substance abuser or get Alzheimer's; now I realize Alzheimer's isn't exactly something you can control nor is depression or mental health matters but those are personality changes and personality is a big part of someone's idenity and why you'd care about them in the first place. If he and other men get to be shallow over weight (a physical change), I certainly get to be shallow over substance abuse or mental health issues since those are mental changes. That kind of made me wonder "okay, how is the issue over weight different from the drug addict or the Alzheimer's patient?"

Perhaps one thing is weight alone doesn't necessarily hurt your partner though what if the person is obese to where they can't leave their house? Or where the other one has to be a caregiver? Or where the other one now has to adopt a different diet since the other one has to eat differently? I wouldn't like impositions on me, my body or my lifestyle. It's an interesting thought, right? Because of that, I'm like "not sure I can entirely dismiss him as shallow" but I did inform him that pregnancy messes up a woman's body, especially if she has multiple kids. This might become one of those "I'm older and wiser" sort of things. I also informed him about the sedentary lifestyle of the South (a woman who was riding an Amtrak I was taking to NC summed it up best: "all they do down there is eat & sleep") and said if he wanted to live there, he might want to take that into consideration (meaning he'd better find a good workout regime and ways to be active and monitor his own diet carefully since it'll be much harder to do that there than in a place like NYC). I'm still a stick person by Southern standards & always was according to anyone who knew me in those days.

NYC lends itself to far more physical activity and I feel like food here is much more rich so you don't need to eat as much of it in a sitting. You can also find cuisine for the health conscious more easily and some of it is actually pretty good since there are lots of people who've developed it and taken time to craft healthy + tasty recipies. I still have to figure out which Trader Joe's I'll go to and how I'll get some of the food. I wish I could have brought my butter chicken dinners with me but at least I got my orange juice and my veggies in my suitcase & used some of the chocolate in s'mores.

Still evaulating what I'm going to do. I feel like the medical checkup blitz & seeing friends will tell me more but I am definitely feeling some comforts of home.

Business Clothing That's Really Whore Wear & Other Musings

That's what I have asked myself when going to retailers like H&M, Old Navy and other places that make their clothing material so sheer and so thin. You know the ones I'm talking about, right? You go in & try on business pants and in the dressing room, you can see a line in the back. We call that having a visible panty line.

When I worked in retail in the mid-late '90s, you definitely saw some tops and things that were too freaking sheer. I don't buy that stuff since I don't work on street corners or as an adult entertainer. Lately, however this happens with dress pants. Either they are super tight or you're getting panty lines in the butt.

Do these manufacturers & designers honestly think a woman can get away with that in a business setting or as an attorney going to court? Do they think all women work in the adult industry or as sex workers? That feels like the only environment where you could get away with visible panty line. You could probably get away with visible panty in that line of work.

However, the majority of women don't do that sort of thing so I ask why the HELL anyone would waste their time and money creating such worthless junk? Do most women just walk around with panty lines showing? I know for a fact most women are not as savvy about coverage on things as I am. I worked for 3 years in a lingerie department. I know about strapless bras & know where to get them. I might have been one of the only girls in my high school who wore tanktops without her bra strap showing (since The Angry Redheaded Lawyer got clothing discounts where she worked & made sure to invest in some strapless bras). I also managed to find underwear that wouldn't show panty lines in clothing & know the key to keeping that stuff from happening. Of course, you're kind of screwed if you're wearing something lacy but there are tricks to that as well so you're not flashing the world.

And if you're thin & don't have money, you are plain & simple fucked. Nothing fits you unless it costs a small fortune. I go through racks and mutter to myself about whether there's anything that's NOT in a "fat ass size." For my body's purposes if it's above a 0/2/XS, it's a fat ass size & won't fit me. I deserve my confidence as well, don't I? Fat women get all this about finding proper fitting clothing but do you think skinny women get that? Hell no! It's like you're part of a super hated group. So are models or any women with looks, smart people, rich people, anyone who's got things others don't even if they don't have to put in real effort to get it or don't think it's such a big deal. You can have more humility than anyone & still have people hate you if you're fitting those categories. I definitely feel like clothing manufacturers and plenty of other groups hate me. They must, especially when a 2 isn't even a true 2 that fits me.

I suppose my clothing being too big is a bit of a metaphor for my marriage & my old life. It no longer fits me, is too damn big & makes me look frumpy. Life is way too short for that. That saying "the clothes make the (wo)man" is accurate on many levels, not just in the sense of dressing for the job you want vs. the one you have. Having something that fits you properly will make you feel a trillion times better, at least if you're into fashion or appreciate it like I do.

Also, must these manufacturers contribute to more women with less money having nasty dispositions? I personally hate extortion schemes & I can smell them a mile away.

Listening to Cece Peniston right now. She has some great songs if you aren't familiar with her. A 90's artist from my youth. I know a lot of hip-hop & R&B songs from that era, particularly early to mid 90s. Vestige of my childhood. I guess it goes back to the whole "divorce is a regression" thing.

I also had a realization not long ago. When my mother was my age, she'd already lost both of her parents & had to deal with my alcoholic father along with raising me and my sister. She has more inner strength than anyone I know & is a far better human being and parent than plenty of people I could name.

I was reading earlier about this woman who honored her mother in law on Mother's Day; I never felt the urge to do that & I feel even less of any now. As far as I'm concerned, she's the ultimate hypocrite & my mother is exactly right when she says there's a special place in Hell for people like this woman. One person heard about what my ex did & said he was "not human." That & the realization that I never really loved him will make things a million times easier. Had one conversation where someone told me I never fully loved him on all levels.

Another person I know wrote that love was about needing someone for everything to where you couldn't breathe without them. Not sure if that definition of love is true but if it is, that explains volumes about me. It explains my tattoo. It explains that the meaning behind it is 100% pitch perfect for me & will most likely never change. I just can't depend on anyone in that way; I didn't even depend on my ex in that way at the height of the happy times in the relationship. I didn't feel that way about Vampire Boy either, the guy I came closest to loving before my ex. My feeling was "if you fuck me over, I'll just find someone else & won't put up with your shit ever again." I'm not a woman big on second chances, particularly if I don't think the person is sincere in their attempt to make amends. Significant others have a much harder time getting redemption from me than anyone else.

Let's consider this: if you want to be a survivor of a breakup, especially a divorce you can not be the type to need ANYONE that much. In my mind, it's a question of time when the other shoe is going to drop since it has a million times. I could deal with people dying on me more easily than I could having them abandon me & betray my trust just like everyone else, making it the umpteenth time I've had to deal with it. I explained to this person that I have had all this happen long before my jerky ex & he knew about it, which makes what he did a trillion times worse on top of the other circumstances around it.

Has it made me hard? Probably. Not sure if I really had innocence to lose in the first place but maybe for me it's a bit beautifully naive to feel that way; it's not a luxury I have, that whole getting more hurt than I already have been in life. You get extremely cautious when people lie, manipulate and so forth toward you. One might think I've not gone through things in life but they'd be wrong. I feel like having what I have was God or karma's way of making up for things I've had to deal with. We all have to have some scale balancing or we'd end up killing ourselves.

In sum, I think I am utterly incapable of fully loving anyone. Is that possible? You tell me.