Can We Stop Using "The Almighty" to Justify Total Bullshit Already?

That is a HUGE peeve of mine. It pisses me off on many, many levels. By "The Almighty," I'm referring to God. Maybe people use other religious figures in other faiths & countries (Allah some places, Hindu gods in others, the Flying Spaghetti Monster in other circles) but the general idea is the same. It's claiming a person can or can't do something b/c "God will be upset" based on Scripture written BY MAN in a time period where women, minorities and anyone who wasn't rich didn't have rights to speak of.

I've read about more than one model on my Facebook feed who apparently won't do swimsuit or lingerie shows b/c "GOD will not like it" or "the Bible says it's wrong." That's total bullshit & I'll tell you why. For those who haven't read prior entries or don't know about me, I grew up in an independent Baptist home in the Southern US surrounded by religious types (with a fair amount of fundie nutcases mixed in there). I went to a Baptist Christian school for part of my young years and was an ace at the Bible verse look up competition. I was going up in front of the entire school representing my grade for that and spelling bees; in other words, I know what I'm talking about.

If you don't feel comfortable doing swimwear or nudes or "sexier" fare, just say so. "I don't feel comfortable" is reasonable & fair. I'm not comfortable doing nudity, law licenses, business career and religious mother notwithstanding. I won't do Penthouse style work; I feel inauthentic at that anyway. I can wear a sexy outfit but my own aura is more fun than trashy; trashy is a vibe that I don't really have.

I can sum it up like how Cher was described by Bob Mackie wearing sexy fare on her variety show in the 70's: he said she wore the sexiest outfits like she was wearing a T-shirt & jeans, that she just felt comfortable in whatever she wore and it came out when they were doing that show. I feel if I'm going out in lingerie or swimwear, it's merely part of my space as an artist. It's me playing a role and engaging in art; I never really feel like "this is too trashy for me" in things I pick or wear since that's just not how things look on me. Maybe the best way to describe it is I'm too classy & that classiness rolls off me just like the straight rolls off me. I reek of both & people who know me or can pick up vibes well know this so they know it's not an arena that's authentic to me.

So why do I get offended when people use "God" as a justification? Well, the God I believe in isn't a slut shaming asshole giving babies to deadbeats as Puritanical Christians would have you believe. God GAVE you the figure, did he not? God GAVE you the opportunity to model; know how many girls get to do that on any level at all? A small enough number for people to be impressed when they hear you're a model, especially outside of NYC. Granted you have the fakes and the hobbyists but I know I'm no hobbyist or fake since it's just another piece of my entertainment career that I was fortunate enough to get an opportunity to take on. I approach it the same way I approach all the other aspects of my career that I've been at for well over 15 years in some cases.

The patriarchy and mainstream society also love to slut shame women, telling them to cover up all the damn time and asking what they were wearing when some guy raped them. I view my own modeling career as a rebellion against the patriarchy (including my evil ex and his scummy, hating family who wouldn't be picked for modeling no matter how much THEY wanted to do it; if they'd be able to do it, they'd have never harassed me over it). My immediate family supports me in it & friends of mine support me; I'm not about to let the patriarchy or any other hating asshole dare to slut shame me when I present myself in a very particular, precise way. Not my fault you're too much of a moron to get the concept or understand my art.

Using the Almighty to say "I can't model" is just like people using the Almighty as a justification to kill gay people, have slaves, discriminate against minorities and various other shit people have used the Bible as "God's word" to get away with for how many years already. Some people need some far more supportive & less judgy family members (my family is definitely religiously devout). More people need smackdowns for trying to speak for God. Too bad there isn't a gross of anvils somewhere poised to fall from the sky and hit those people in the head; yes, I'm comical and love a good Looney Tunes scenario played out in real life.

Shaving in America: Do You Really Need to Shave "Down There?"

Reading Tuesday's Dear Prudence letter about the woman whose husband refused to have sexual relations with her until she was bare "down there" made me realize that's something I've not talked about here. I do have very strong views on the subject, so here we go.

If you're not completely dense, you get that I'm a natural redhead. Aside from having tempers and being really good in bed (supposedly; I haven't taken a poll of all the natural redheads & the people they've slept with), natural redheads generally have fair complexions & sensitive skin. My husband even said at one point "Your skin hates you," a concept I turned into some sweet commercial copy for myself in a commercial acting class.

Growing up, I hated that I could not get a tan to save my life. The only choice I have for skin color is pale white and lobster red accompanied with pain. Then we have the freckles, some of which also pop up in the sun. The only ways I can get tan are 1) get a second degree sunburn and let it heal (which happened once but was super, massively painful; I went swimming without sunscreen & decided to lie out in the sun on a float) or 2) get a spray tan. Even tanning at home would lead to me having orange skin since I'm not a pro & most likely would screw up the application of the self-tanning lotion.

I don't think I hated my former friend more as a child than when I got that second degree sunburn on the tops of my arms & my boobs while she had a tan on her back with "I, a heart, and the name 'Josh'" spelled out, having achieved that with spelling it in sunscreen and lying down for a while. Yeah, I hate all you bitches who can do that!!! I'd end up with a sunburned back if I tried it.

So, we've established that my skin is sensitive. In my age, it's gotten worse and will likely get even worse as I age further.

This means shaving & hair removal is not fun for me. Thankfully, I can use Nair or Veet (I'm liking Veet better since they have a sensitive skin formula) on my legs since shaving gets way too labor intensive for me. As a perfectionist, if I don't get every last bit of hair off I feel like I wasted my time doing it in the first place. Chemical hair removal is the perfect option if you are also like this & hate missing stuff when you shave. It's the only thing I'll use for my legs. Shaving my underarms is manageable since it's a smaller surface space & I can reasonably get all the hair off.

My attitude on shaving is I do it when I'm good and ready. I don't do it on a daily basis or even a weekly basis; I do it when I feel uncomfortable with the hair length. If I feel like it's too long or just don't want to see it anymore, that's when I handle it. Or if I'm going to a dressy event & feel my armpit hair is starting to look like Paula Cole's from the "I Don't Want to Wait" video. Check it out if you haven't. My sister called her "Armpit Girl" after we saw it. Personally, I don't want my underarms looking like that. I also deal with my legs if I'm going to be wearing a skirt or shorts someplace & my leg hair is starting to look like my husband's in volume.

Down there, though: how many guys actually care about that? I've had my whole attitude & practices on shaving forever, even when I was single. Guys I dated by & large didn't care. Now, maybe you'd argue that I enjoyed some pretty girl privilege here or the fact that I was willing to have sex made it irrelevant for the male population by & large. I have no idea; none of my sorority sisters ever mentioned that being an issue for them.

I personally feel like shaving is one of those things women do for other women. They don't want other women making fun of them or getting catty about it. I've never felt the need to compete with and be catty toward other women; of course, I always made sure when I was checking out guys at the club I was in a spot away from other women. One way you can tell I'm straight? When other women would be too close to me or my vantage point if I was out someplace as a single person, my first thought was "Move it bitch, you're blocking my light!"

Exactly one guy I ever dated brought up the subject with me of doing something about "down there." He's also the same guy who bugged me about paying on dates & was described by a friend of mine as having "the social skills of a rock." I call him Condo Man.

Condo Man lived in a condo (duh) & had lots of pictures of women in bikinis. I had a strong feeling I was the second girl he slept with & he was 8 years older than me. One day, he decides to ask me about shaving or waxing down there.

I told him the truth: there's two ways that area's going to look. You have the choice of hair or little red bumps. It made wearing an average swimsuit hell for me when I started getting hair since I had the choice of hair poking out or getting irritation to remove the hair.

I tried to Nair it once; that caused little red bumps. Home waxing caused me to bleed & suffer serious pain; I'm a pain wuss & probably didn't have the wax hot enough. Direct shaving didn't work either since I still had the freaking hair there & it hurt like hell afterwards.

Dick move to tell a naturally redhaired woman you won't have sex with her if she isn't going Brazilian. I accused him of wanting me to look like a 10 year old girl. Natural redheads (at least this one) & waxing do not mix: look at the after pics of my eyebrow wax in The Wedding Saga series if you think a professional wax wouldn't result in bad fu for me.

A natural redhead tampering with her "down there" area isn't going to look like some tanned Brazilian chick after waxing: she's going to have little red bumps that hurt like hell and won't be in the mood for wearing underwear, much less having sex. Forget about oral.

So, hypothetical guy, my suggestion to you if you're obsessed with having a woman who looks like she moonlights as a porn actress or Playboy model: don't date a natural redhead. If that obsession trumps the awesomeness of the natural redhead, you will just piss her off & God knows what she might do after you suggest she go inflict this pain on herself to make you happy. Plus, it defeats the entire purpose of getting rid of the hair since no one wants to be intimate if they've got those little red bumps from irritation. Why put yourself through that? By the time those little red bumps are gone, the hair's growing back.

Check out the comments on that letter. A bunch of people were defending this guy & I had to wonder if they'd ever dated a woman with sensitive skin. Some of us can't just "shave it off." If some men want to volunteer for that task & make it relatively painless for the woman, then I'll give some leeway.

If you could find me a cheap/low cost method to get rid of hair permanently without ever having to do the area again or having nasty side effects someplace, I'd consider it. I would love to never have to do hair removal again so long as the hair on my head still grew. Electrolysis is NOT cheap & it's time consuming, not guaranteed, simply not a viable option in my opinion.

You know, my whole skin thing is probably a good reason I'd never be considered to be a Playboy model. I have never had an afro or anything crazy but my centerfold pictures would have little red bumps or hair unless they airbrushed those bumps out.

Come to think of it, has anyone seen a nude model or porn actress who was a natural redhead? I haven't & if you do, I'd love to ask her about her hair removal secrets for "down there" since I'm sure she can't go on camera with the little red bumps and I doubt filmmakers love her so much they're going to spend more in editing & post production just so she can have sex on camera. Is this some other fetish section I'm not aware of in porn? It does seem to be a fetish in reality (at least with people I've encountered online & in real life, including my high school boyfriend) so I wouldn't be shocked if that was a separate category. They have clown porn so surely there's a category for this one. Maybe everyone dies in it, though.

If anyone is capable of killing someone from the intensity of sex, it would have to be a natural redhead.

Condo Man summed up the 1 in 100 guys who bothered me about things no one else did. 99 guys in a room never bothered me about things that he did. The funny thing is he bothered me about things other women get bothered about but in my case, those things never came up. If 99 guys won't bother you about something, why would you go out with the 1 who does? That question always came to mind when dating him & having fights on these issues.

Heck, if people think my husband isn't good enough for me they'd have wanted to kill Condo Man among my many jerky exes! I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if Condo Man were still single. He made me look functional & normal by comparison. He even made me look social; it was probably a turning point for me on that front.

People commenting thought this guy was watching a lot of porn or had a woman on the side. Well, if my husband tells me to be hairless after 18 years of marriage I'll tell him what I told Condo Man & how shitty that is to say to a natural redhead. I'll also have to insist on an open marriage; I realized my limit on celibacy is if you put me in a period longer than what I experienced when I was single. I didn't have even a year of celibacy after losing my virginity & I'm still trying to figure out how many months would cross that limit. I think it's within single digits though might not be less than 6 months.

I have to calculate this since then it does make it fair for me & my circumstances. The reason for this? I did a fair amount of dating once I got out of my hometown (after that, I managed to have summer relationships with guys who didn't know me in the past), had no shortage of interested guys & sex is a basic human need. Sorry if that upsets the Puritans but it is & if you knew my family, it's a small miracle that I'm not totally frigid or married to Psycho Boy. Recently found out that ex-friend didn't take God's bitchslap seriously & made the same mistake AGAIN. Sort of confirmed I made the right choice & made me say "Wow, my sister's got a much bigger heart than me since I couldn't call someone who neglects their kids a friend of mine."

Ladies, I say do what you're comfortable with and if some guy dares to tell you to be bald he'd better be willing to do the same for you. I didn't really ask Condo Man about it but he didn't go hairless for me so that tells you something. If he's got sensitive skin, he needs to be thinking twice about demanding a woman do that for him if she's got the same thing.

Pets Aren't Children or Dolls & God's Bitch Slap

After watching the new episode of My Cat From Hell (I've warned my cat not to get any ideas from it) on Saturday, I saw Jackson Galaxy get mad over something that is also a peeve of mine. I don't think I've covered it so for those of you who haven't seen that episode, I'm going to share it.

He was annoyed because he was dealing with a case of a woman dressing her dogs in clothing. These assholes even tried putting something on the cat later on to calm him down (though the real problem was the mother who refused to treat her dogs as dogs; she was treating them like babies).

What is with dressing dogs in clothing? I can understand a sweater if you're going outside in a blizzard or something but to make that a uniform? Uncool! When I was little, we tried putting our T-shirts on our cats & they hated it. I had only one cat that actually purred when she was in one. Know how many I had growing up? Well over 20 in the course of my childhood. At one time, we had 13 because of the birth of kittens.

Generally speaking, I'm not for dressing animals up but that's especially true if you're forcing them into clothing. Stop doing that, you asshat!!! They are NOT babies!

Maybe we should force YOU to wear something & see how YOU like it. Plus, if you want a baby so much maybe you should go have one or adopt. There are certainly enough unwanted kids in this country for you to pick from.

Though if you think only adoption agencies for humans are strict, you'd be wrong. Consider this piece about rescue shelters. After reading it, I concluded that I'd rather just get a cat from the local animal shelter or through acquaintances. My family generally got cats because we had quite a few that lived outdoors & people dropped them off at our house, figuring they'd get fed. We also had cats just show up at our house & start eating food alongside the outdoor cats.

My mom even named one Heath Barkley after a character on Bonanza because, according to her (I've not seen Bonanza myself so can't verify this one), the Heath character just showed up one day, was embraced by the family and got a share of the family's money.

I would have to bitch slap someone if they dared to tell me I wasn't qualified to care for a cat, considering I've probably had more experience in my life with cats than most people. Most cats also like me & bond with me pretty quickly; I have a temperamental kitty at home as proof. He hated or had indifference toward my husband's exes but loved me right away. He even slept on the bed with me when I stayed over the very first night he met me (I was sleeping in hubby's bed since we were dating at the time & he slept elsewhere). Cats know the difference b/t people's scents so I figured it was his way of telling my husband "You'd better be nice to HER. That's my human. Don't mess it up!" I also get along better with cats than humans since cats don't pretend to like you then trash you behind your back; with them, what you see is what you get.

Basically, I believe in treating cats as cats. Not to say you can't call them your furry children or put their names on the Christmas cards but don't dress them up in clothes, worry about them being exposed to germs (as I told my father when he insisted on giving our cats bottled water, "They eat dead mice in the woods.") or put diapers on them unless they've having age related issues leading to accidents (meaning you got the okay from a licensed vet & you're not doing some home remedy you found online). I don't force schooling on my cat, take him to psychologists or force him to socialize with other animals. I love him but we realize he is a cat. A very smart cat, but a cat.

Now, if you believe people can bitch slap others, I think God is also capable of it. For instance, I think the whole Issac situation is God's bitch slap to Republicans trying to take free will from women. Hey, if these idiots claim tornadoes & hurricanes are God's punishment for society's moral decay I can certainly say Issac is God bitch slapping these Republicans for using His name to promote their shitty, fascist, non-religious agendas that completely violate His word. No God I believe in would ever put his marching orders into the mouths of people like Paul Ryan, Todd Akin or Michelle Bachmann. I think they have some unpleasant surprises waiting for them in the after life along with their religious sponsors but that's a whole other story.

Apparently, that black hole I no longer associate with also (in my view at least) got a bitch slap from God by way of a miscarriage. Guess who the daddy was? Yep, same deadbeat guy. This man must have a magical penis or something since sane women would never sleep with a guy who's unemployed, has zero ambition & a baby mama who has so little regard for her child that she's letting the other woman watch it (and he apparently is sleeping with other women). Thank God I got out of NC and that old neighborhood! It seems that place has turned into some sexual candy store for young, mostly illegal Mexican men.

So if you're into classless white women who like being bossed around (not natural redheads, though), it seems you'd be very happy in my hometown if you're under 35, hail from Mexico and have zero ambition. Maybe you could even get a green card marriage & not have to worry about an anchor baby. Apparently, white women with no self-esteem believe you've literally got a magic penis. I don't get it myself but I feel like I at least dodged a bullet. I couldn't in good conscience pray for this black hole after hearing about that miscarriage. I can only hope that maybe God's bitch slap will get through & this person will straighten out her life, be a proper parent, right the wrongs she caused and accept some responsibility for her actions. That, however may be way too much to hope for or expect. I still assert that you can be a decent person without being religious; she just needs to take care of her responsibilities, decide what she wants to do in life & regain some self-respect, integrity, etc.

Yes, sometimes things that happen to you in life are God's way of bitch slapping you for being stupid. When words don't work, a bitch slap will sometimes get the job done.