Sunday, February 22, 2015

The "Too Perfect" Problem; Society's Dirty Little Secret

Everyone tells you to be the best you can be. Have the greatest resume, look as cute as you can, strive for the best. If you're doing things right, you end up amassing great experiences, accomplishments, and get people who would love to be just like you. Maybe you're a professional athlete, a model, an attorney, a doctor, a millionaire from that great idea you came up with & was fortunate enough to find backers for. Whatever you end up doing, there's a dirty little secret society hasn't told you about: there is such a thing as being "too perfect."

Yes, you can be too smart, too good looking, too capable, too competent, too creative, too great. People will reject you in such pretty, nice ways but you know something? Rejection is still rejection & no matter what package you wrap it in or how pretty a bow you put on it, rejection still sucks.

I have encountered this problem in both job hunting and in my romantic life. It's patently obvious if you knew the history of my marriage, details about my ex-husband, the climate we were dealing with through the marriage & toward the ends that I got rejected for being "too" great & good. The consensus says it was due to my ex's emotional problems with his own self-worth & insecurities in his own head. You know, I'm here getting rejected for the very things society wants you to be. Society wants you to be smart, attractive, educated, affable, all that stuff.

Perhaps I'm an overachiever. There, I've said it. I was always getting the top grades in school, got a retail job at JcPenney at 15 & later worked at Godiva + did supervisory work, was a founding member of a sorority chapter, became a partner in a business, and keep making new contacts that have some influence someplace. I even have a law degree; graduating law school with something past a C average requires some overachiever tendencies.

I report to this job center as part of some tasks in my quest to survive in NYC with no traditional resources, a mission plenty of people wouldn't have the guts to embark on. I'm glad to finally have the advocacy I've never gotten in my own job searches & to find that, in fact, I've got a pretty fucking good idea of why I'm the prettiest wallflower at the school dance. Maybe certain people should have/ought to listen when I speak vs. pushing their own assumptions & agenda on me.

The lead source manager there, who I work with regularly, is a doll & when I do get my financial house in order I'm doing something very nice for her and that job center. Details on that will be coming when I talk about my experiences applying for public assistance in light of having a husband who treated his nearly 10 year relationship with me as disposable and worthless while kicking me while I'm down like that made him any sort of real man. At least no models will give him the time of day; this woman looks out for her own & wouldn't let some other girl make the mistake she did.

When I go to this job center, there are periods of waiting. I'm never simply waiting. I'll be talking to people, writing or doing this word search puzzle book I found & hadn't ever used. Perhaps I'll also start including reading in this gap if there's a nearby library I can check out & return books at easily. I also look at ads and do things to stimulate my mind since I'm not a person who wants to just sit around & do absolutely nothing. It's just not in my nature to be lazy, contrary to what certain hating assholes might have to say.

But, the "too perfect" problem: God forbid if you utilize your maximum potential in life because there are plenty of cases where you won't be financially rewarded for it or even get the guy/girl you want. If you're intelligent, the average employer just wants you to be a fucking, flaming idiot instead of using your brain & trying to make things in your job or in the business better. I've talked about this for years; it's "the dumbass theory." Apparently, instead of being your best in life what we're really supposed to be doing is feeding the fragile egos of middle managers & CEOs who can't stand on their own two feet or exhibit any real confidence to not be threatened by smarter or more resourceful people. You know, I could be a source that's with you to make things better or I can be your competition & hammer you into the ground. Being nice to me & having me as an ally could be a far better course of action, don't you think? I do. Too bad it feels like 99% of recruiters, employers and business owners don't view it that way.

Same with dating. God forbid you be pretty AND have a brain in your head (in some cases, let's include "not being a blonde"). Guys will reject you since they clearly can't handle a real woman who's got her own mind & doesn't "need" him (yet some of these same guys want the woman to bankroll him) but instead chooses him. No wonder women feel pressure to dumb themselves down.

My solution is to simply look for people who are as intelligent as me & can understand what I'm talking about. Or at the very least, find people who have security in themselves as human beings and aren't threatened by anyone else's greatness. I know another guy who's not high on looks or has limited education is going to ultimately get pissy at me for being smart & for being pretty. Yeah, sorry if you're a guy in that boat: you're probably not going to convince me you're any different unless you can show me real ambition or you're just relentless enough to wear me down (which is VERY tough to do).

I was trying to repel one guy friend for a good 7-8 years before I realized no matter how vicious, blunt or mean I was he wasn't going to let me push him out. Someone who doesn't let me push him away is a keeper; I'm not the easiest person to be friends with & will be a much harder person to have a romantic relationship with in light of this whole nasty divorce thing. Add this on top of never seeing a truly good, functional marriage up close & a general cynicism of life from living in the wrong place and you've got the ultimate prickly pear. You probably don't have 7-8 years or the kind of emotional constitution required to put up with a natural redhead even when she's in a good mood.

I need some peers who understand these problems. Been working my butt off to get those. I might be the perfect entrepreneur but you need money to invest in a business & yourself. I don't have a trust fund or come from money so just how am I supposed to do that? Anyone got any answers I've not thought of yet?

Also, who thinks it's really shitty that people should have to hide who they are or apologize for things God gave them in order to appease inferior assholes who have low self-esteem & zero security in themselves? I think it's a sad commentary on life. I wonder what we'd call the dumbass theory when it comes to dating; the average girl theory? Maybe "the goddess problem" works. If you're seen as a goddess, guys think you're unattainable & plenty won't bother trying. But why should we have to deny or pretend not to be goddesses if we clearly are? It's an aura. It's patently obvious. I see no need to try changing that about myself & find it sickening for anyone to even suggest I do it.

So kids, take note. Don't bother being an overachiever or aspiring to greatness, especially if you haven't got your own money for things. The second you do, especially if you're a woman, you'll have haters in authority trying to bring you down. You think the haters are only your peers or people below you on education or looks but they seem to be "leaders" who have long forgotten how to be good at being leaders. A real leader knows (s)he won't be around forever & isn't infallible; they know it's a good idea to keep the great on THEIR side, not leave that person to dangle & use that rejection to beat them mercilessly in business or some other metaphorical context.

I feel like I have to train myself to be a good dumbass or plain Jane in dealing with society instead of getting to be who I really am. That's why I feel it's necessary to network & find people who can at least see that frustration even if they don't personally experience that sort of rejection on a regular basis. So few actually get it & I know some dipshits will claim this is "pretty people problems." They would be highlighting exactly the fragile egos I hate being forced to appease.

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