Professionalism Begets Professionalism

Yes, this is 100% true. If you want people to be professional with you, you'd best be acting that way yourself. Otherwise, you have zero right to complain about anyone else's behavior. That is the essence of "professionalism begets professionalism."

While I love modeling & being in shows and have generally found a great community in the world of fashion there is a staggering mass of people on both sides of the table who do not have that simple concept mastered. Nor have they mastered the concept of strategic thinking & not harming your own self-interest.

First off, most people doing fashion shows and the like are working for free. Even if you are dealing with major shows, this is not something to make a living off of. I heard a model who'd been in this industry for decades outright tell this to aspiring models I'd met at random one day & my attorney suggested I go network with during Fashion Week. I did. These people were extremely nice to me. The models themselves were awesome & far braver than I with some of the outfits they were having to wear in the middle of our NYC with many passerby gawking and making comments.

I'm from the indie film world. The custom in that world is if you're doing a web series or a film or some other project where you aren't paying the actors, you make sure to compensate them & appreciate them for their time in other ways. You get good craft services, good meals for breaks, an extremely pleasant and congenial working environment, travel costs, things that make people want to work with you & not feel like they wasted their time or "I blew my Saturday for THIS?!?!?!" You give your team plenty of notice for scheduling & you do not keep actors on set longer than absolutely necessary nor expect people to drop everything for your project. Some producers also give key actors a share of the project if they are playing major roles, helping connect the project to financing or getting into some great film festival that will yield exposure, possible distribution, that kind of thing.

That sort of thing is rare in the fashion world. Often, you don't get food & getting paid is atypical. You might get a piece from the designer or sometimes you'll get fed or have a chance to get food but some people just don't get that tradition or concept of not pissing folks off or making them say "Why the hell am I here?!?!?" Respect of people's time is at times utterly laughable & definitely don't expect a show to start on time. That almost never happens.

Granted, there are film productions that start late or run for an endless amount of time (that is less likely in fashion shows) but anyone who's been to shows will tell you that unless there's someone who's really on top of things, hard core clock watching or there's some other event after the show that starts at X time on the dot & you must be done by then, the show will be running late.

I feel like most designers & people handling shows are aware of this reality and appreciate the models/hair stylists/makeup artists/so on & so forth who participate. The good ones are super appreciative, either b/c they came from the same tradition I did, they see themselves as professionals in this arena or have professional day jobs that ingrain those values into your skull. The ones who don't & have the audacity to expect people to drop everything are seriously delusional in my mind.

One person I worked with said models had to "be on call like doctors." Well, when you're paying that model a doctor's salary to be "on call" I'm sure (s)he will be more than happy to oblige. If you expect them to do that for free, you are living in a fantasy world & are not going to attract the cream of the crop. Take it from a partner in an indie film company who knows a number of producers & has seen how things work when you don't have the money to pay someone. Passion & interest in the project only get you so far in terms of someone's motivation & where you fall on the priority list. You could have the next great project but if you aren't paying people for it or even offering deferred pay (or worse, you are not covering supplies, travel, etc. & making the person PAY to work for you), you aren't going to be #1. You may not even be #5 if that person's got a spouse, kids, their own career outside entertainment, etc. Also, no one likes feeling like a chump & everyone's got a limit to their altruism.

I know one argument is "that's how the industry is & has always been." Well, internships have been a thing in entertainment a long time as well but we have legal precedent now cracking down on abusive practices like making people work full time hours for no pay. The whole internship concept is changing b/c of the rulings in these cases. Plus, as any long time reader knows, tradition for tradition's sake is not an argument that impresses me. I consider it lazy & devoid of simple reason or common sense. It's the excuse offered for hazing in the Greek system, slavery, segregation and other bad things society shouldn't be encouraging or offering silent acceptance for.

Second, most models don't have professional jobs. In particular, most aren't attorneys in their day jobs. Even fewer are entertainment attorneys like I am. It seems some people view this as a license to treat models like crap.

In my case, that's a fatal mistake. Attorney Monica & Film Exec Monica don't shut off or forget what happened to Model Monica or Actress Monica or Writer Monica or Singer Monica; I don't have split personalities that don't remember what happened to the other ones. I've got a damn good memory & if you were nasty to me in a fashion show or any other creative context, do you honestly think I'm going to bother helping YOU when you inevitably want my legal services or my referral to an entertainment attorney? Do you think you're getting anywhere in working with my company if you're being an ass to me? Do you think you're going to have more cred than an entertainment attorney doing all the stuff I do, where people know me from these worlds & respect what I have to say along with me the individual (put like or dislike aside)? A smart person knows you don't alienate the entertainment attorney, especially the one closest in proximity who's more likely to be accessible to you. Attorneys are a major marker of difference b/t someone being an amateur or hobbyist in entertainment & someone being a professional. Oh, and if you're going to work professionally in any aspect of entertainment, you WILL need an attorney sooner or later. Major companies aren't talking to you without you having some representation & many have specifically asked to speak to attorneys (potential clients & other creative contacts have told me this outright).

I personally am not a masochist or the type who likes having more stress in her life. If I don't like someone, no way am I lifting a finger for them. In fact, I'd not piss on you if you were on fire if I didn't like you but you have to do something extremely egregious to get on my bad side. Something that if I told the average person, (s)he would say "What the hell?!" I might be the most prominent Undercover Boss to work on the creative side since blending in is impossible for me.

Third, it seems that adage "you never know who knows who" hasn't gotten around to the world of fashion in a global sense. It's ingrained in your skull if you do acting. Yet I have seen some egregious behavior & gotten some attitude from certain jerks. I absolutely remember those pricks & no way in hell would I do for them.

They've established that they are not part of that community or MY allies so they aren't worthy of my extra effort. People who do respect that community, who I like or at least haven't had outright disrespect from are more likely to have me care about their success or at least listen to a respectful request. Film & TV people hold grudges and you can get permanently blacklisted there; I've heard countless stories & worked with people who did it since they have no time for that stress or hassle. I do it with everyone in all aspects of life but I'm outright shocked when I see someone being nasty to me.

For one thing, how would you treat my non-lawyer colleagues? For another, I'm a natural redhead. Do you not follow popular culture & stories on natural redheads? We're known for having tempers & not being the people to mess with. I'm also more quiet in life; aren't you aware about how they say "it's always the quiet ones" when some mass murder or other major violent event happens? Very surprised there's never been a story about a guy getting his penis chopped off at the hands of a naturally redhaired woman. I'm a redhead so I get to say this but society would suspect us of that stuff long before anyone else. Not to mention I seem to give off an air of authority or responsibility or something. Everyone tells me I'm smart within 15 minutes of a conversation if not sooner. It's kind of freaky.

Because you never know who's friends with who or who you're dealing with & everyone deserves basic human dignity unless they prove otherwise, I don't start with nastiness as my default. I can at least be civil, as we all can manage. Not nice, but not insulting people or treating them like garbage unwarranted or implying they have no right to be there. Professional, you can call it. If you can't manage that, then I have to wonder what you're doing in mainstream society.

I may not outright say "fuck you" but a professional doesn't have to. I merely wait for the inevitable moment the light bulb goes off in your head, knowing I will get the last laugh. Professionals also tell their colleagues so their colleagues aren't having to deal with the same shit. So that light bulb may be going off after you've shot yourself in the foot. Perhaps I've also gotten more mature in the face of the living hell I've had to endure the past 2-3 years.

So before you whine about other people not being professional or bailing on things, take a look at yourself: Are you paying these people? Are you expecting them to drop everything like they live exclusively to serve you & your whims? Are you showing up on time & prepared? Do you treat everyone with respect & stand by your people? Do you create a climate of fairness or do you tolerate or silently condone unprofessional behavior? Whose backs do you have? People who know the business can tell quickly who is or isn't professional, who is worth dealing with & who isn't. It's a TEAM effort so having unrealistic demands or being an asshole are things you do at your own peril. "It's your funeral," as they say.

Does "The Scarlet M" Exist?

You may notice there's not been a new post lately. Well, one big reason for that is a very nasty divorce. Kind of hard to be yourself when your ex is trying to engage in character assassination against you. Never mind the fact that the motherfucker knew all about this character when he married you, took wedding vows, agreed to set up a life with you, that kind of thing. For someone to claim you deceived them after being in a long time relationship with you when you always stayed yourself & you have a hair color that shouts "I am different from everybody else!" is absurd in my book. Thankfully, plenty of rational people agree with me. I have found some of those rational people in the fashion world.

Not sure if this is just a trait of me or if this is something applying to all natural redheads or all smart people but I'm the sort of person that if you tell me not to do something or try to discourage me from it, I'm going to make it my mission in life to do it more just to piss you off. I also never do anything in life half-assed; if it's worth doing, you do it right & do it well or you don't do it at all.

Since my ex & his horrible family tried sabotaging my career six ways to Sunday & then some, it's my goal to land some job where I end up in a huge national ad or billboard in Times Square so that loser is forced to see me. He'll be forced to confront the fact that he threw me away, treated me like garbage & he so fucking lost out. Have I won? I don't know; I like to hope I've won by being a human being who didn't kill herself or let that piece of garbage take away everything she worked for. People hear about the circumstances & keep telling me I'm strong. One friend even told another, newer friend that he respected me. I'd like to hope he respects me for going through all this & not doing what most people would have in my shoes. I could have easily become a hopeless drug or alcohol addict, gone back to Mama's house, murdered my ex or menaced him in some fashion (which he totally deserves but I'd prefer a more random misfortune like an anvil falling from the sky & hitting him in the head like in a Looney Tunes cartoon).

In recent times, I've been doing more modeling & found my profile increasing in that world. These days, I've gone places & people who didn't know I was a model thought I was one. When I've gone to casting calls, people took one look at me & assumed I was a model. Seems I'm carrying that model swagger more than I did when I started out. The model hat seems to be really fitting me well at the moment & I figure so long as that ride is going, I may as well hang on, enjoy the ride and keep taking opportunities as I get them. I've started meeting more models & seeing the same ladies more often at various events and shows. That's sort of a plus in my view since you can build your camaraderie & your network in that way. People are also starting to see where I'm going and how modeling fits in with what my role in the legal world always was. Stupid The Angry Redheaded Lawyer is not. This model stuff is also a fine distraction from things along with the ultimate act of feminism in my book. But more on that soon.

One of the observations I've seen in modeling is a lot of people outside this world don't get it. A model friend told me recently she'd wanted to give up modeling for fear of what I call "the scarlet M." She'd been told by an industry colleague that as long as she was modeling, she'd never have a serious relationship with anyone (including her present guy).

Having seen this with my ex-husband, I told her that modeling or not was a choice she should be making on her own & for herself. We're talking about someone over 18, after all. It's one thing to say you don't want to be a model b/c you're sick of wearing the heels or the hustle & bustle of it is getting to you or you don't like the world or the people as a whole. It's another to have family members, significant others or anyone else try to shame you or guilt you out of doing it. I lived having people not support me in my modeling career & simply didn't feel she ought to be making a choice like that based on what she thought some guy would want or how he might perceive her. I told her about my own experiences & that frankly, any guy who wouldn't give you a serious relationship or stand by you in something you love is a guy not worth having in your life. That is a guy who doesn't deserve you or respect you. That's someone trying to sabotage you, steal your soul, basically deny you of who you are & your potential. No one should have that kind of power over anyone, be it a spouse, parent, grandparent, lover, whoever.

Now I don't think this colleague was trying to be nasty in saying that. It's no secret that lots of people don't respect modeling or the fashion industry as a whole. If you asked lots of people's significant others, I'm sure they'd be secretly thrilled if their loved one left the fashion industry. Some of them just might have more tact & respect to directly tell the person that. Or they're also married to people with the stubbornness of natural redheads & know their spouse will do what they want to no matter what they say since some of us won't be in marriages where we're treated like 5 year olds. Whether you should tell people that or not at random is a whole other discussion but I felt it my duty to give some advice as a woman of the world who'd been there & is now far better off not letting her spouse steal her bliss or her identity. Nobody deserves the stuff I've had to deal with.

I think there's a scarlet M in other ways, such as hate from other women who aren't models or pretty enough to even be considered models if they wanted to (and not just larger women since there are plus sized models & I've met them in my travels; we aren't talking Hollywood "plus sized" either). I'm sure if you started out doing this without building your education or getting a professional license like I did you'd also have problems with people taking you seriously as a capable, intelligent person. I can also see guys just assuming models are good for a roll in the hay but not to take home to Mama.

Since I'm crawling out of limbo & completely fearful of getting hurt again, I could care less if a guy perceives me as one to get into a serious relationship with. I'm too "been there, done that" to be worried about getting married like the average girl who'd never been married would be, especially if she's pushing 30+. I'm also too tough & direct to tolerate being treated like some side chick or secondary when I'm from the tradition of manners and natural redheads tend to engender obsession in guys they get involved with. We're rare, we have some superhuman aspects about us (science even says so; go look it up) & we're far more interesting; it's us & then there's everyone else. We're the natural divas & most of us know it (especially those of us who are models); we just try not to be assholes about it.

The upside of making mistakes is you hopefully learn from them & shut down familiar bullshit quicker and quicker. Once you get punched from that particular angle or you recognize a particular look before someone punches you, no one has to tell you twice to avoid the inevitable since you'll see the punch coming before it happens.

I may have even finally found my tribe in that world. Back in the day, I thought my tribe was the goth/geek culture. Until I started modeling, I never felt I fully fit into the cheerleader/model/sorority/"pretty" girl archetype (this despite being a founding member of a sorority chapter; we identified ourselves as being the antithesis of the typical sorority girl image). I loved getting to be a cheerleader last Halloween since it was the prime symbol of what I'd felt for years I wasn't worthy of being & it felt fitting to do that after everything that happened the year before. It was like "I am worthy of this now & I will rock it." I did.

Now why do I view modeling as the ultimate act of feminism?

1. No slut shaming. As I said when I started out 2 years ago, no one's going to tell you "that's too short" or criticize you or a designer for his/her outfit being too showy. That'd likely be fighting words.
2. If you're doing it right, you are going out on the runway as a confident, bold woman. Confidence, boldness and bravery (since going out like that requires not being afraid to go out in public and put yourself on display) are the ultimate feminist traits. How do you think rights for women happened? Women had to go seek them out & demand them, despite men trying to hold them back and keep them down. They still have to do that today.
3. You are going out as a proud woman. Feminism is about being proud of being a woman, not trying to be a guy (in my book, at least). It's about celebrating & respecting women, which is what we do with models. We celebrate their beauty & as proper guests, respect them & the designers for their craft. A real fashion show isn't filled with people catcalling and trashing the models.
4. Finally, it was patriarchy that told women to cover up. Men in the Christian church and elsewhere are the ones that have been telling women sex was evil and they should be ashamed for centuries. It's men who've told women to cover up in modern times & shaped society to function that way. Violating the patriarchy & defying men is most certainly a feminist thing to do.

For my own part, I consider it an act of rebellion since my ex and his patriarchy supporting relatives were down on me modeling & having that pride in who I am or how I look (which is completely natural). I've always been in favor of rebelling against nonsense & that's probably a big reason I'm an attorney. I also feel if my religious conservative mother & sister respect me modeling and support me in it, no one else gets to tell me not to or bash me for it. I'll just view them as being jealous assholes who wouldn't last a second there; as I stated before, a LOT harder than it looks. Having evil forces in your life stressing you out & trying to sabotage you makes it even harder.

Whether I end up getting serious with anyone again or not, I don't think me modeling is going to make a difference there. At this point it's "I do this so you'll take me as I am or I don't want you to have me at all." That's with everything, in fact. My life is too short & my time is too precious to settle for anything less. I wish all people viewed themselves that way. It would solve a lot of problems & prevent some bad marriages.

If A Tree Falls in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound? Here's Another Philosophical Question:

Can you degrade your opportunity to do something when you never had a shot at doing it in the first place?

So many people have said to me "Why don't you just go work in a law firm as an associate?" Most of these people were NOT attorneys. They believe that every single law school graduate can immediately get a job as an associate in any law firm in America despite grades, law school, and so forth. They believe the legal job market is much like every other job market where the most personable & biggest dumb butt kisser type can get hired. Those people are dead wrong; I have known this for many years.

This guy, Harrison Barnes, has written numerous articles on how to get hired in BigLaw firms & reaffirmed for me why I would never want one of these jobs. Why not just give me a shotgun along with a job offer so I can blow my brains out? I would sooner or later & it beats me having to spend my hard earned money on guns and ammo to off myself.

Want proof of what I speak? See this article.

Some direct quotes from this article:

1. Most large law firms do not like people who try to stick out. In their experience, these people can be problems:

* they will leave if they do not get lots of praise,
* may turn on the firm and undermine morale,
* are likely to seek unnecessary attention from clients (and may even try and steal them), and
* are most likely to leave if something better comes along.


Being in a large law firm requires a lot of selflessness:

* You need to let partners, senior associates and others take credit for your hard work.
* You need to put in time before large rewards come.
* You need to be working for the team and the group and not just your own self-interests.
* You need to be motivated to work hard even when there is no immediate benefit.
* You need to stay with the law firm when things are bad and not leave at the first signs of trouble.

Wow, if you met me the first things you'd notice are my long red hair & how thin I am. My mere existence is "sticking out." Am I to dye my naturally red hair & put on a fat suit?

Also, you're talking about getting zero appreciation for a damn thing. Sounds like a fool's game to put in 110% & let some lazy fuck take the credit for YOUR work. At least owning your own business, you are the one who rises or falls on your own efforts. You also will have more internal motivation if it's yours; even when I was in college, I saw no reason to bother if I wasn't going to progress anywhere. I worked my ass off in my sorority chapter & in my classes b/c those were MINE. My sorority was a group effort WE did that WE got credit for.

It would be like letting dumb kids copy my homework to get the school's ranking in the state higher. Had I been asked to do that, I'd have said "Hell, no! Make those fuckers learn something & those teachers earn their salaries teaching them vs. punishing me for my intelligence & expecting me, not earning a dime, to do their homework."

Basic life lesson any business owner with a brain knows: no one is going to care about your business the way you do without proper motivation in the form of money or equity. If you don't provide either, it's just a matter of when someone gets burned out & tells you where to shove your job.

2. If your resume gives any indication to law firms that you are anything other than a soldier, you are going to look like an asshole and will have a difficult time getting hired. It is not about you. It is never about you. It is about the employer.

Perhaps I'm just an unrepentant asshole. I say "Screw you. I'm better looking, smarter, more personable & have survived more than you ever will. Bet you couldn't handle MY circumstances or deal with them as well as I have with the meager resources I had at my disposal."

I get attitude toward pricks who want to try & deny me my bona fides ("props" if you will). If you've gone through what I am or are living it now, you should never let anyone disrespect you or dare to judge, harass, belittle or treat you like a mere flea. The people doing that stuff wouldn't last 2 seconds in a real crisis & I'd bet a million dollars on that.

This might also explain why the old law firm model is crumbling.

3. Most attorneys have information on their resumes that is polarizing or just plain stupid to have on there. It's often not a bad job market. It's a bad legal resume!

I'm just thinking off the top of my head here; however, here are some personal details I have seen on resumes over the past week or so (all of which are bad):

Avid hunter and outdoorsman. Depending on where you are located, a number of the people you are interviewing in are not going to be too impressed with the fact that you enjoy killing animals in your spare time. This is not a good idea. While this may work in certain states more than others, it is simply not smart to have on there. If you piss off just one interviewer, this will harm you.
Member of the First Baptist Church. Nothing wrong with being part of a church. However, if you are interviewing with a law firm in a large city, the odds are pretty good you will be interviewing with gays, Jews and people of various religions and backgrounds. Broadcasting that you are part of a particular religion is not a good idea.
Member of the gay law students association. There is nothing wrong with being gay (and proud of it!) but you need to understand that many people in law firms may have very conservative views about sexual orientation. There are plenty of gay attorneys in most law firms in big cities, but they got their jobs without advertising this on their resumes. There are people in every law firm that have prejudices against gays. Why would you put this on your resume?
Member of the Black Law Students Association. Sadly, many law schools and recruiters urge people to put their race on their resumes so they will be more likely to be hired. Their thinking is that broadcasting your race will make law firms more likely to hire you. What if the firm has recently been sued for racial discrimination? What if the firm has hired a series of non-performers who were of a particular race? Your objective is to get a job. My experience has shown: If I send out two equally qualified attorneys who are black (same practice area, caliber of law schools and law firms), and one has a bunch of stuff about their race on their resume and the other does not, the person without the racial information is more likely to get interviewed and hired. Discrimination? Maybe. Or, it could just be that the law firm does not like the person playing the "race card" to try and get a leg up on the competition. Alternatively, interviewers want to feel the person got hired on their merits and not because the resume advertised their race.
Member of the Muslim Law Students Association. Same logic as above. Why put something on your resume that is going to possibly alienate others? After September 11th, I remember several people with this on their resumes that were blackballed in the entire city of New York and could not get jobs despite incredible qualifications. Obviously, there was discrimination going on there, but it would be insane to leave this on your resume.
Member of the Jewish Law Students Association. Anything that can alienate others should be removed from your resume.
Missionary for two years (LDS) in Brazil. Do Mormons approve of gays? Weren't blacks barred until the 1970s from holding the Mormon priesthood? You get the idea. Why risk alienating others?
Married mother of three. "Married? You are gorgeous but not that qualified. I'm moving on. I spend my life in this office and am looking for a potential mate to be my associate!" Never a good idea to put this on your resume. Don't kill the messenger here (this is just how many attorneys think). "Three kids? Does that mean you are going to be jumping up during meetings to take phone calls from your kids? Does that mean that that you are going to miss work when they get sick? What if you cannot find childcare?"
Creative email address. While I have taken a bit of liberty here, I've seen some emails like this in the recent past: sexluvrockroll@hotmail.com, weedlover@aol.com, likelongmen@gmail.com. I'm not kidding. These are more common than you think. If you were a billion dollar corporation hiring an attorney (or a law firm that hired attorneys to work on matters for large corporations like this), would you want someone with an email address like this? Leave this stuff off of your resume. No one wants to see it. Make sure your personal email address is professional.
Your work email address. This is very common. "Really? You want us to communicate with you at your work email address?" What this says is pretty simple:

a. My current employer is paying me
b. I'm looking for a job at work
c. I must not respect my employer very much
d. I must not be very loyal
e. I must not care what my employer thinks of me
f. I do not care if my employer learns I am looking for a job on their time
g. Maybe I was fired and my employer knows I am looking which is why I don't care (hey, I'm bad at my job anyway!)
h. I will do the same to you if you hire me!
i. I'm an idiot!

Don't use your work email address.

An email address like Harvard.edu, Stanford.edu, UChicago.edu, Princeton.edu, Yale.edu."You went to a prestigious college or law school! Good for you! What have you done since then? Do you think you need to advertise what a great school you went to? I went to Ohio State you arrogant asshole!" Get a Gmail or similar personal email address. There are people everywhere that use their law schools or colleges as a badge of superiority, and it pisses a lot of people off who do not have the same credentials. Many people in large law firms grew up poor and worked very hard to get into prestigious state schools that their parents could afford and then worked very hard once they were in college. Princeton? Are you kidding?

Why would you want to have an email address or put something on your resume that could alienate you from others before they even meet you? Going to a prestigious college or law school is a very good thing. What is not good is wearing that on your sleeve. It can drive people away from you and make others (even partners) feel inferior and insecure. That can prevent them from hiring you.
A private high school. Most people did not attend St. Paul's, Exeter, Andover, or other elite private high schools. Most attorneys in large law firms went to public schools where they worked hard. Being an attorney is also a largely middle-class profession, and the parents of most attorneys could not afford to send them to $50,000 a year private schools. Putting this information on your resume can alienate others and is never a good idea.
Member of Mensa. Mensa is an organization for people with high IQs. While there is nothing wrong with being a member of Mensa, what is most humorous about this is that most people who put this on their resumes did not go to the best colleges or law schools. Most attorneys at big law firms are extremely intelligent anyway, so this looks stupid. In addition, this screams underachiever: "If you are so freaking smart, why did you go to such a bad law school and why can't you get a job?"
A link to your personal blog. Don't get me started. You will show exactly the sort of person you are if you do this. Interested in health? Then why work 3,000 hours a year in a large law firm? A personal blog provides opportunities to get in trouble. During a law firm merger, I once saw a partner (with a good amount of business) lose his job. The law firm taking over in the merger found his personal blog and did not like a section he had on there about why he did not like being an attorney and what he would do if he quit.
Home addresses far away from the office. Los Angeles (where I work) is a giant area. Commutes between different areas of Los Angeles can often be two hours or more. If you are applying for a job more than an hour from your home, it is best just to leave your home address off of your resume. If an employer hires someone who needs to commute a great distance to work, they know that the odds are very good that this same person will leave if they find a job closer to their home, especially if the pay is close (or equivalent).
Trips during law school or between jobs. You know what? The partners in the law firm bringing home $2 million a year never traveled during law school. They've also certainly never taken time off to "travel" while looking for a job. Are you out of your mind? Leave this stuff off there.

Yeah, so apparently one part of getting such a job is coddling people's egos. You know where else people (especially women) have to do that? Marriage!!! Especially to insecure people who'd be "threatened" by intelligence, charm, money, looks, whatever else people get all whiny & huffy about. I'm getting out of a marriage now. Why in God's name would I want to insert myself in yet another atmosphere where I have to coddle to little boys in men's bodies (since most of these law firm partners are men; I wish women were more mature but I'm sure there are quite a few who have it in for younger, prettier, smarter and other women they view as threats)?

This just reads a lot like how to impress the clique of cool kids so you'll get to eat lunch with them. The class things surprise me, though since I've not met any law firm partners who came from my class background unless they owned their own firms. I figure they also were too smart for this fool's game. Maybe even went a step further & only played this long enough to get a little experience, quit & start their own practices while shunning this world. I know plenty of people who've done that or made that their career goal.

4. This is fundamental to how we as attorneys need to behave when working with others: We are expected to fit in, get along and try not to act better than our peers. A stripped down and simple resume accomplishes these goals in the large law firm environment. Saying less is saying more in the big firm world.

Yeah, b/c I'm someone who has ever "fit in" in life. Who has actually met me or had a 5 minute conversation with me? When I say "My entire character is contrary to the very basic idea of being a law firm associate," some people need to actually listen to me. This is some of the stuff I have known for many years, long before I started my entertainment law career. I knew this in law school, in fact. I was even a Psych major for fuck's sake!!! Psychology looks at the individual & his/her behavior while Sociology looks at group trends (which I minored in since I ended up taking enough classes to get it just b/c most of them were of interest to me).

The first time I was working in my law school's legal clinic & got yelled at by one of the professors working there, I knew a typical law firm associate job was not for me. I don't respond to disrespect or micromanagement & that would make a job worse than my first on the books job (the baseline by which I measure all jobs).

Fortunately, I have managed to find some law firms not run by insecure, materialistic 7th graders.

Believe it or not, there's actually a market for attorneys who aren't bland little robots (being a trendsetter can be a bitch). Per diem work is a great fit for me since I'm only doing a particular matter for a limited time, I go different places, no one breathes down my back telling me how to dress or perform the work & there's room for my fight. A job with a structure like that is perfect for my purposes & general personality.

But as for my thought, I see no way whatsoever for me to actually sabotage myself out of a law firm associate job that everyone & their mother thinks I ought to be doing + supposedly are so easy to get i.e. pays in the six figure range when there's no way in hell one of those places would hire me in the first place based on law school & grades THEN by actually meeting me in person and talking to me for a mere 5 minutes. I'd expect total hater behavior or new fans (maybe even get asked out on a date) but no actual job offers b/c I'm not a robot or into being abused. Perhaps you also couldn't get those jobs if you already experienced abuse in your upbringing & realized it was a crappy way to live so you don't care to relive it.

I wish I could get this guy to tell all these "You should be a law firm associate" cheerleaders to get off my back & stop bothering me about it since I have no chance in Hell at such a job so no effort or lack of effort I could put in would make a difference. Maybe they'd finally shut up about it after an expert said something though it pisses me off to have people in essence call me stupid or imply I don't know a thing or two about the landscape of my circumstances/opportunities.

Freedom: Something You Can't Put a Price Tag On

You really can't. When you don't have it, you realize just how valuable & precious it is. You don't have to be living in a totalitarian regime to feel like a prisoner or that you have no freedom. You don't even have to be living in a homeless shelter or struggling financially to not have freedom. You could even have money & still have no freedom to call your own since it's not YOURS from your own hands or mind but belongs to someone else that you have to stay on good terms with, even if they behave like a royal cretin to you.

"You've just described everybody's job situation," you're probably saying to yourself but I don't think I really am. Rational, sane employers are only concerned about you getting the job done properly & competently. They aren't worried about what you do in your personal life, how you dress outside of a company dress code, your personal views on things, or what others think about you outside of the business context. Clients also tend to be more concerned about you doing a competent, proper job for them so long as you're not a KKK member or something deemed radical or crazy by the standards of wherever you conduct business. Being a conservative Christian may help you in the South or parts of the Midwest while that could make you a pariah in NYC.

Family members, on the other hand are absolutely different. Your spouse or significant other can be different as well. People helping you out of goodwill are also different. It's not like you can get other family members or quickly acquire other romantic partners or people helping you out of goodwill. These people also have more insight into your personal life & if they help you in any way financially, can make your life a living Hell if you do something they don't like. I guess dealing with so many tyrants in my life has made me wary of having to be dependent on anyone in any way at all. Who likes the specter of blackmail or being cut off?

Sometimes, you can be in prison and not even realize you're trapped. Marriage can be a lot like that, particularly if you're married to someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart & just wants to bring you down or have you be on their level instead of being your very best. Small minded haters, we call them. Being married to those is lousy & I speak from personal experience aside from the general "how must that feel for this hater's spouse/significant other" sense.

Finally getting your freedom, though, is priceless. It's a feeling of exhilaration, calm, peace and knowing that you are in control of your own destiny with no having to make nice or deal with any fucker in terms of maintaining your survival. Having a true home of your own is paramount. Without that, your quality of life will suffer. You may not even have one when you have no home to call your own.

Throughout this time, I have been thrilled to be free of bullshit like making nice with in-laws. I can't do meeting anyone's family at this point. I feel like everyone's mother is going to be a bitch to me or resent me for being smart or pretty or the combination of both or try bringing me down in some way. In dating situations, it's worse since you figure Mommy Dearest will declare that no one is good enough for HER baby & will hate you on sight. In a friend context, that's okay but not sure about guy friends. Their parents might still think you will end up becoming someone who steals their baby away.

The whole in-law experience I've lived & observed makes me uncomfortable about that whole thing; I'd rather a guy's parents were dead or he'd disowned them but that would be too mean to say to someone. Imagine that conversation: "I can't live under the tyranny of your parents or deal with them being abusive to me while you stand by & do nothing so I'm not going to go out with you unless you disown them or they die in some way. I'm not getting a hit man or killing anyone myself but they'll have to perish before I can go out with you. Is that cool?" Who'd agree to that?

And what if grandparents are like that? I never even HAD grandparents so asshole grandparents would just make me even happier I never really had any to be abusive toward me. They're bound to get even more latitude to treat a girl like shit than parents. I definitely can't deal with that.

One split down the middle is saying that someone has to be their own person & not let their parents control everything or dictate their lives. In other words, no Mama's boys & no Daddy's girls. After my father died, I could no longer deal with family tyranny; I feel none of us should, especially if you have children. That's taking "honor thy mother & thy father" way too far. Catering to bullshit is living under someone's tyranny. Life is far too short for that bullshit.

I can't even remember what I did this past July 4th or on July 4th in my married life but I will never forget this one for many personal reasons. One of these days, perhaps I'll get to the hot dog eating contest in Coney Island. I did get to the Mermaid Parade this year & that was fun. Very interesting costumes in the parade. I haven't gone to fireworks or any events or done much for this one but it's special to me just the same.

One of these days I will be released from the tyranny of my ex and the divorce proceeding. I'm at least content with a few facts & have done far more growth in my personal time than most people my age and certainly more than my ex. One day at a time, I suppose. Let's just keep moving forward. Guess a lot of other people have had to deal with that tyranny & stifling of their creative voice as well. Fuck all those people causing the stifling; we know they're just talentless & devoid of creativity anyway.

Close Friendships: What Does the Presence or Lack of Them Say About Us?

I was pondering this recently when a close friend made me feel I was not wanted or cared about. It seems I'd fit in well if I were a single woman in the UK. A guy with knowledge told me a year ago that British girls are aloof, would never chase men and don't play competitive little games with other women. I have never been the type of woman to engage in such nonsense since it's my take that a guy either is interested in you or he isn't. If I'm not some guy's type, I'm not going to spend a second trying to convince him of my worth or that I'm such a great catch. I don't beg in business, in friendships or anyplace else in life. You've got the wrong sister for that one. A real diva knows she's got it going on & doesn't need anybody's validation. I know it more now.

So in these times, I've lost a LOT of friends. I've lost all my close friends over the years from distance, personality changes and finding out the person I'd known had morphed into a total stranger. This one friend who has been by me in the darkest of the dark times was slacking off on me & pissed me off with the "it's too hard stuff." Keep in mind this is someone who has never been married, never had a parent die & has a home to speak of. The person I'm referring to hasn't had to apply for public assistance, seen the undersides I've seen in life or to my knowledge, had someone who you thought loved you and had your back metaphorically shit on you & outright try to sabotage you. I had been talking to this person's significant other & felt she shouldn't be blamed for his failings as a friend so I said "I'll talk to her but I'm not talking to you."

My thought was "Some of these days, fucker. Some of these days you're going to miss me & you're going to feel like shit. You'll suffer a loss not having ME around." I'm pretty unforgettable & unique, you know.

How many attorneys do you know who prepare for court appearances & their divorce hearing by listening to gansta rap? How many have a "seize the day & pick life" mentality? Oh, and natural redheads are the natural divas & the rarest people out there. There also aren't a lot of women my age who've gone through what I've had to & haven't let it completely destroy them. I also figured I might be dead by that time & then it'd really be too late. My family's life expectancy isn't in the 80s/90s but more like 50s/60s. AND...my presence & the fact that I bother to make time for you or care is a gift. Trust is very hard for me; my childhood started that & the rest of life has made it worse. That's a privilege & I don't give that to just anybody. You can't.

So I was going through my life, dealing with the whole divorce mess & everything when I hear from the significant other. Remember, not her fault if my longtime friend abandoned me. She also never made me feel like I had no right to my friendship or that I was an intrusion or a bother. Also, she's more of a peer I can get along with who is similar to me in many ways. I've been looking for other women I can talk to & who don't get all pissy at me for having pretty girl problems. Plus having someone who wants to do girl stuff & hang out is great; I'd have loved that when I was married & haven't had a best friend in a long time. Mine got too chummy with my sister & then went crazy, if you remember.

When we got a chance to hang out, she told me her significant other & my former friend figured that if something major happened to me I'd tell her & she'd tell him. Damn it! She is the one who convinced me he did in fact give a damn though he didn't make me feel like he did, particularly based on prior acts. Perhaps he assumed it wasn't the lowest of the low like when things first happened and all that. Not sure when that whole thing started or his full thinking there. I have my suspicions & intuition; it also appears my intuition is pretty damn good sometimes.

So when I cut you off, you are dead to me. There's no second chances, no going back, nothing. I have no time for it & you don't get to be part of my success, eventual triumph, whatever journey I get to if you bail on me in these dark times. That's just the way it is & has to be. Except with this friend, it's like he's herpes or a damn fungus. For whatever reason I haven't figured out, I've never been able to be fully rid of him. When I was married, something told me to keep him around since I'd need a friend like him; I figured he'd never begrudge me of my success or get jealous of me or try to steal my thunder. He also assured me years back he'd never date some woman who'd tell him who to be friends with i.e. dropping me b/c some chick told him to do that. I kept that friendship despite some deep shit going on around me b/c of that intuitive sense that he'd be important in my life; I also don't respond well to anyone telling me what to do. I'd felt by this point, we were done with that but I guess the journey continues.

Nonetheless, I still have some thoughts re: close friendships. I wonder if the lack of them says something bad about me as a person. That perhaps my standards are too high & no one could possibly meet them no matter how hard they tried. That I have a character flaw in me that makes me too impatient and too consumed to ever have close friends for a long duration of time. I sort of view this one friend in my life being like the continuation of being in my sorority even when I sometimes felt like leaving the chapter b/c it was something I wasn't feeling home with for many reasons. Staying in my sorority was something I did since I wanted to say I'd done that in my life and stuck with it despite the emotional difficulties I'd felt as a member. I didn't want to be a quitter.

Case in point: I didn't have a little sister & no one picked me to be their big. I'm a damn orphaned lady with no sorority family line. My tree starts & ends with me. When I hear about people's lines & all, it still hurts a little. It makes me feel sidelined & reminds me of how I felt when no one seemed to like ME or think I was interesting or cool or fun to hang out with. Time dulled some of that pain but it really hurt at the time & brought back all the old "ugly duckling" feelings I had. And I did have 2 alumnae big sisters & a twin so I guess I shouldn't feel TOO sorry for myself. I've always gotten along well with more mature people since I'm an old soul with a youthful mind and energy. I've been told I have the energy of a 7 year old girl.

There is the point where you've outgrown friendships. I definitely had that with my childhood best friend; she also changed into a total stranger I no longer recognized or respected. Growth is definitely something I've had in these times. You'd have to be a robot not to feel SOMETHING from all this. Or you were a big fat liar who never cared about the person you married or your dead relatives or acceptance or anything. Death is a game changer. I had a lot of more distant relatives & closer relatives die when I was young but the really close ones didn't go until I was in my 20s. That is a time when you have to see who your friends are & who they aren't.

So if you have the same friends you've had forever, does that mean you haven't grown as a human being? That you have never had anything really bad happen to where you had to put those friendships to the test? Does not having close friends that you've known for at least a decade mean you are too shallow or a lost cause b/c no one likes you that long or does it mean you've lived and grown to where you're just too awesome for it? Is there a good or a bad to that idea? Is anyone better in some way for their close friendships or lack of them? I definitely don't consider trust to be instant pudding and hate people who want you to do that instantly or command it out of you.

Embarking on the Mythical & Insane: Going to a Hooters

For those who don't already know, I grew up in this strict religious household. My mother kept us far away from anything remotely hinting at sexuality. I remember her almost not letting us watch Just the Ten of Us when we were little b/c she felt it was not appropriate. Hearing someone in this Biography special on the Nightmare on Elm Street movies call that show "wholesome" & squeaky clean made me chuckle at this contradiction.

By the time we were teenagers & attending public school, my mom had loosened up some. Or so you thought. I still had to deal with the damn clothing battles over my shorts, skirts, tank tops and the like but she was picky about something else.

My father got a job laying cable for a company that sent him in distant places in the state. One time, he was staying at a hotel near Charlotte. This was when my parents weren't living together but my mother couldn't simply just cut ties; she still saw the man even though I felt she should have gotten a divorce eons ago.

Well, my father had this shirt from Hooters & my sister wanted it. She wanted it really badly but my mother said she couldn't have it. It wasn't one of the tank tops the servers wear or something tacky & revealing, just the simple older logo everyone in the US might be familiar with & the name of the city on the shirt (in this case, "Charlotte, NC"). She was like "Why can't I have it?" I remember asking my mother this myself. She was essentially "I am law & say no on this."

There's also the famous lore of how Hooters girls flirt with guys to get tips & all that. You've seen South Park with the Raisins restaurant & those girls, you know what I'm talking about. Or the actual term people use is "breastaurant."

Things to know about me:

1. I'm NOT the kind of woman who gets jealous of other women. Someone else's power doesn't mean I don't have power of my own. Other women with looks are my peers, my contemporaries, chicas who get it in a way other girls can't understand.

2. I applied to work at the local Hooters when I graduated college & was in NC hoping to earn some extra money before embarking on the next adventure of my life. I think I got rejected for being too smart, despite being pretty & making sure to wear a blue halter top that show my boobies quite nicely. Dress for your audience, you know?

3. One of my exes, Vampire Boy, apparently went to Hooters with some goth friends but not me. The image of him in this "breastaurant" getting hit on by women who look more cheerleader than goth chick (his type) has always amused me. It's just not something I see him doing or really getting into. God help the woman having to do that for her tips; maybe she should get an Oscar if she's forced to lay it on thick.

I've always had this curious fascination with seeing what that experience is like myself. I'm sure not going to care about some server hitting on a guy taking me. If that actually worked, I'd have gotten Psycho Boy to Hooters STAT & been eternally grateful to any woman working there who got his fixation off of me; maybe even paid her some money for her inadvertent service in saving my life. I could do that for other overly clingy guys & never had problems again.

Hooters: the place for women to take their lovesick admirers so they'll bug someone else.

Recently, the opportunity posed itself for me to go with a guy friend so I went. It was NOT the pickup scene I expected; our server hardly noticed us. I expected some flirtation on my friend but that didn't happen. He said those girls are probably in high school & told me about having taken a male friend of his to that particular Hooters before. Unfortunately I didn't buy a shirt but maybe I should ask my sister if she wants that for her birthday. I should get myself one as well. A lovely rebellious statement against my mother & "the faith" I have not belonged to in forever. Maybe it's even just a symbol of rebellion for me in general & me owning my whole model thing. Hmmmm...

Business Clothing That's Really Whore Wear & Other Musings

That's what I have asked myself when going to retailers like H&M, Old Navy and other places that make their clothing material so sheer and so thin. You know the ones I'm talking about, right? You go in & try on business pants and in the dressing room, you can see a line in the back. We call that having a visible panty line.

When I worked in retail in the mid-late '90s, you definitely saw some tops and things that were too freaking sheer. I don't buy that stuff since I don't work on street corners or as an adult entertainer. Lately, however this happens with dress pants. Either they are super tight or you're getting panty lines in the butt.

Do these manufacturers & designers honestly think a woman can get away with that in a business setting or as an attorney going to court? Do they think all women work in the adult industry or as sex workers? That feels like the only environment where you could get away with visible panty line. You could probably get away with visible panty in that line of work.

However, the majority of women don't do that sort of thing so I ask why the HELL anyone would waste their time and money creating such worthless junk? Do most women just walk around with panty lines showing? I know for a fact most women are not as savvy about coverage on things as I am. I worked for 3 years in a lingerie department. I know about strapless bras & know where to get them. I might have been one of the only girls in my high school who wore tanktops without her bra strap showing (since The Angry Redheaded Lawyer got clothing discounts where she worked & made sure to invest in some strapless bras). I also managed to find underwear that wouldn't show panty lines in clothing & know the key to keeping that stuff from happening. Of course, you're kind of screwed if you're wearing something lacy but there are tricks to that as well so you're not flashing the world.

And if you're thin & don't have money, you are plain & simple fucked. Nothing fits you unless it costs a small fortune. I go through racks and mutter to myself about whether there's anything that's NOT in a "fat ass size." For my body's purposes if it's above a 0/2/XS, it's a fat ass size & won't fit me. I deserve my confidence as well, don't I? Fat women get all this about finding proper fitting clothing but do you think skinny women get that? Hell no! It's like you're part of a super hated group. So are models or any women with looks, smart people, rich people, anyone who's got things others don't even if they don't have to put in real effort to get it or don't think it's such a big deal. You can have more humility than anyone & still have people hate you if you're fitting those categories. I definitely feel like clothing manufacturers and plenty of other groups hate me. They must, especially when a 2 isn't even a true 2 that fits me.

I suppose my clothing being too big is a bit of a metaphor for my marriage & my old life. It no longer fits me, is too damn big & makes me look frumpy. Life is way too short for that. That saying "the clothes make the (wo)man" is accurate on many levels, not just in the sense of dressing for the job you want vs. the one you have. Having something that fits you properly will make you feel a trillion times better, at least if you're into fashion or appreciate it like I do.

Also, must these manufacturers contribute to more women with less money having nasty dispositions? I personally hate extortion schemes & I can smell them a mile away.

Listening to Cece Peniston right now. She has some great songs if you aren't familiar with her. A 90's artist from my youth. I know a lot of hip-hop & R&B songs from that era, particularly early to mid 90s. Vestige of my childhood. I guess it goes back to the whole "divorce is a regression" thing.

I also had a realization not long ago. When my mother was my age, she'd already lost both of her parents & had to deal with my alcoholic father along with raising me and my sister. She has more inner strength than anyone I know & is a far better human being and parent than plenty of people I could name.

I was reading earlier about this woman who honored her mother in law on Mother's Day; I never felt the urge to do that & I feel even less of any now. As far as I'm concerned, she's the ultimate hypocrite & my mother is exactly right when she says there's a special place in Hell for people like this woman. One person heard about what my ex did & said he was "not human." That & the realization that I never really loved him will make things a million times easier. Had one conversation where someone told me I never fully loved him on all levels.

Another person I know wrote that love was about needing someone for everything to where you couldn't breathe without them. Not sure if that definition of love is true but if it is, that explains volumes about me. It explains my tattoo. It explains that the meaning behind it is 100% pitch perfect for me & will most likely never change. I just can't depend on anyone in that way; I didn't even depend on my ex in that way at the height of the happy times in the relationship. I didn't feel that way about Vampire Boy either, the guy I came closest to loving before my ex. My feeling was "if you fuck me over, I'll just find someone else & won't put up with your shit ever again." I'm not a woman big on second chances, particularly if I don't think the person is sincere in their attempt to make amends. Significant others have a much harder time getting redemption from me than anyone else.

Let's consider this: if you want to be a survivor of a breakup, especially a divorce you can not be the type to need ANYONE that much. In my mind, it's a question of time when the other shoe is going to drop since it has a million times. I could deal with people dying on me more easily than I could having them abandon me & betray my trust just like everyone else, making it the umpteenth time I've had to deal with it. I explained to this person that I have had all this happen long before my jerky ex & he knew about it, which makes what he did a trillion times worse on top of the other circumstances around it.

Has it made me hard? Probably. Not sure if I really had innocence to lose in the first place but maybe for me it's a bit beautifully naive to feel that way; it's not a luxury I have, that whole getting more hurt than I already have been in life. You get extremely cautious when people lie, manipulate and so forth toward you. One might think I've not gone through things in life but they'd be wrong. I feel like having what I have was God or karma's way of making up for things I've had to deal with. We all have to have some scale balancing or we'd end up killing ourselves.

In sum, I think I am utterly incapable of fully loving anyone. Is that possible? You tell me.

Moral Orel: It's Pure Genius

A few days ago I was watching an episode of Moral Orel (specifically this one called "God's Chef"). I was reminded of its absolute genius & just how darn funny it was. Wrong, but funny. Lots of things I find funny fit into that category. My ex was also a fan, likely b/c he grew up with an uber-Catholic mother who taught his religion class. My mother was also uber-Baptist, which was much worse when we were growing up considering I went to a religious private school from 1st-3rd grade. Not to be confused with "Southern Baptist"; though we lived in the South, we didn't play that racist shit.

So as a child I was exposed to some creepy, religious programming. Those of you who were raised in the Baptist/Christian church will certainly know some of these programs but I'm doing this for the people who didn't grow up in the South or other "Christian" corners of the country or world.

There was Gospel Bill, which I remember first seeing when I went to my best friend's church one Wednesday evening. They just had us watching some of that on loop. There was also Quigley's Village, which my sister says her teacher had them watch in class one day at the religious private school. No way could you play that in public school since there was lots of God talk in there. They even reference God in the theme song! Atheist parents would have a collective heart attack if public school teachers were playing this one in class.

We also had The Gospel According to St. Bernard, which is the adventures of an angel who is sent to Earth as a St. Bernard dog to manage the spiritual health of a brother & sister. Young kids, not teenaged degenerates or even kids living in the ghetto with screwed up parents. That would probably be the parody version; these kids lived in Florida. I don't think they ever explained why this angel had to go on this mission; I believe it was one of those "God says you have to do it so you're doing it" situations. Much like real life in the church. There was also Gerbert, which I'm annoyed my link to no longer works. He was this orange puppet boy living in a world of humans and sometimes being a prick but often learning "life lessons." They also had segments of this singing children's choir, which you often wondered where Gerbert was at during all this. Sometimes Gerbert was watching the performance. Think of it as being like those breaks in shows from the '90s like In Living Color where there'd be some dance routine with the Fly Girls in between the comedy. Believe me, the Fly Girls dance routines were more interesting & probably far more controversial than what I'm talking about in Gerbert.

Moral Orel is a parody of the show Davey & Goliath, which it seems many non-religious people are familiar with. Just in case your parents were God hating heathens or you aren't familiar with it, here's some information on Davey & Goliath. If you know Davey & Goliath, think of Moral Orel as that world turned upside down with no talking dog.

Now if you are familiar with these shows & the world of Baptists in the South, you can appreciate why I would love Moral Orel. It directly attacks and spoofs religious hypocrisy. I don't want to give away too much of this show but the father is definitely NOT a paragon of virtue, the parents have no sex life & you can see that they hate each other but put on fronts for everyone else. Definitely happens in the Christian community in the South. The show's adult characters have bad secrets, which is definitely not far off from that world. In the first episode, Orel reawakens the dead. Now his father isn't upset with him for creating a zombie apocalypse in Moralton but is upset b/c Orel took people's clothes off to turn them into zombies so the town is all outraged at the NAKED zombies as opposed to the zombies.

In another episode, where Orel is told masturbation is wrong and he's going to hell if he "spills his seed" his father tells him babies come from God serving as a chef putting material into women's bodies. So Orel, who wants to masturbate without going to Hell, decides he's going to be God's chef & put his seed into women's bodies. He causes a spike in pregnancies from women whose husbands never touch them. When you think about it, Moralton is a very depressing place (at least, that's what I thought since I am not frigid on that sort of thing).

They touched a lot on the gleeful censorship along with the unhealthy attitudes on sex. Not sure if they touched as much on the demanding women to be frumps thing. Loved the alternative character Orel befriends later on named Stephanie who owns a sex shop. It turns out her father is the town's Reverend & despite their vast differences, they end up having a good relationship later on. There are Christians in the world who get along with their gay, alternative, non-believing kids. I get along much better with my conservative family though I'm not gay & probably less alternative than lots of people who came from this type of background. The authoritarian aspect of growing up in a conservative Baptist household was definitely captured in this show.

Sadly, they only put the first season out on DVD & I hadn't seen it since the economic & emotional abuse ensued. Still makes me laugh, though & it's worth watching. If you grew up in that atmosphere, saw through the bullshit and got out, you MUST see this show if you didn't already. In case you never did, here's a way to do so.

Does anybody else notice the sexism that permeates in the Christian church? It is a huge reason I consider myself undeclared. Plus, what model would go along with any religion that demands them to dress like a frump & be ashamed of their body? It seems contradictory to the entire modeling industry, especially if you are a woman.

Now I've got to go out in this nice sunny day. Why wouldn't I?

Tips for Surviving NYC as a Single Man

I wrote this guide for someone I think I've outgrown (truly my ex, part deux who if I'd married instead would be the target of my anger and feelings of betrayal right now). He recently moved here & I figured I'd tell him what I'd have wanted to know when I moved here 7.5 years ago since that's the sort of thing I do for friends who've been there in my dark times.

Some of it was general, some was specific to what I knew about him.

As I wrote it, I figured it would be a great thing to post for my readers (especially those of you not from NYC, who've wanted to visit or would just be way out of their league coming to NYC). Here you go & make sure to thank me if you have averted even one local kicking your ass or flipping you off:

1. Rule #1: The MTA sucks. This is a fact of life irrelevant to which borough you live in. The subway platforms are cold in the winter & hot in the summer while the trains are the opposite. You will get squashed in rush hour or if the train has been delayed so there's also the body heat factor to consider.

2. Ask when apartments you are looking at were built. Chances are, you're not going to have the money for the newly renovated, fancy new places & if that building is pre-1980s, you don't want to use large appliances b/c you will experience power overloads.

3. Central air is non-existent in NYC. I suggest you get some nice window A/C units with a decent, but not huge, BTU. Plenty of places are sweltering in the summer, including subway stations. You will barely feel it in some places, especially on the hottest days (think heat index of 95+). Southerners, including me, fly into murderous rage in those conditions. See “Do The Right Thing” for an example.

4. Infestations, including bedbugs, roaches & rats: ASK about these in apartment hunting. If the place doesn't allow you to get a cat (they are masters at killing mice & some kill other creatures; I say this from firsthand knowledge), inform them that it'd better be fucking spotless.

Bedbugs are a serious threat in this city & owners are required to take care of that mess ASAP. It's a city law & you can call 311 about it.

Pet friendly buildings exist but can be hard to find. If they don't allow pets, they'd best be VERY diligent in dealing with rats, roaches and other creepy crawlies. Think of it this way: a girl does NOT want to get busy in a place with any of that mess. It would be a huge turnoff for me & probably 99% of womankind. Don't let anybody tell you roaches or rats are inevitable; my place was roach free & Stormy (the gray cat) took care of the very few little mice that showed up.

5. Some apps you need to get if you're going to be in NYC:

A) Embark (it's got the NYC subway map & tells you about delays & diversions on the trains)

B) HopStop (it's the best way to get directions to anywhere in NYC from where you are; it will tell you about diversions based on the time you're going, show you maps & so forth)

C) Yelp (If you're looking for a food place nearby or trying to remember where one is, this app will give you that info instantly. It's been a huge help to me if I wanted to find a Chinese restaurant or see how a place's reviews are. Also useful to get the number or see if a place is open at the time)

D) Groupon (you can get local deals on here & there's tons of stuff in NYC)

E) ABCEats (this is for the restaurant sanitation grades; maybe you don't have those where you are or never noticed them in your experience but it's a HUGE factor to me since they were in places I lived; you might be going out w/some girl who's also used to those & doesn't want to go to a grade C place)

F) NYC Condoms/find condoms (an app that tells you where you can get free condoms in NYC)

G) NYC 311 (this app lets you make complaints to the city without having to sit through 311's ridiculous automated system, which is a pain in the ass)

Apps that are useful if you are driving or in a car with someone:

A) Google Maps (it helped me a lot in CT but it's a power drain)

B) Waze (this one tells you about traffic on the road, has cute animations & you can warn people about road and driving conditions; if you go down a road that's not on the map, you can also get points in their system; also a power drain but you can also use it to get directions in the suburbs)

6. How to avoid beggars, subway performers and screaming kids on the subway: Get a pair of ear buds & an iPod or MP3 player with lots of songs you like on it. This comes in handy when some guy brings you a sob story or some woman straps a baby to herself & begs for money or someone prances their physical deformity around. Skullcandy has a lifetime warranty on their ear buds so when they inevitably die, you can get free replacements if you kept receipts or someone gave you some as a gift.

Books work if you can get a seat but if you can't, it can be very difficult to read & avoid all that mess while you're standing. With a music player, you can just let it play and if you leave it alone it won't matter if you're sitting or standing.

7. Don't be one of those people afraid of the subway or who always takes cabs: I will make fun of people for it, would call someone like that an elitist to their face & tell them they have no financial management skills. The only exceptions are severe physical injury or recent surgery, having a ton of luggage to take with you, a strict time deadline like catching a plane or train, not paying for it yourself or maybe being some mega-celebrity who'll get mobbed if they get on the subway. However, I hear there are celebrities who take the subway so that's not the greatest justification for it. Being rich also isn't an excuse to waste money.

If my mother, sister & oldest nephew (who was 3 at the time) took the subway and survived, there's no reason anyone else can't. They aren't city folk & if they weren't scared little babies about taking public transit, no one else gets to be in my presence. Quite a few LI folk my ex knew (including my MIL) were scared little crybabies about it.

You are NOT a real New Yorker if you can't handle the subway.

8. Giving to beggars/panhandlers: You are under NO obligation at all to give to them. In fact, it's illegal for them to solicit you. I have had people try to personally solicit me on the subway & walking around the city. I told the one on the subway about that law & he pretended not to hear me but backed off. There's also means to outcrazy the crazy if you need to.

Oh, and there are no panhandling hotties, male or female. Most of these people are scammers so don't follow altruistic instincts. If you seen someone falling & bleeding, just call the cops. Don't approach that person. Sane women will not hold it against you if you refuse to cater to panhandlers.

Physical deformities and children don't move me in light of people I know personally in those categories who have never resorted to harassing commuters for money.

9. Giving to performers & candy sellers: If you're moved to give to a good performer, why not? If they're bringing their A game & I feel like it, I might do it. My standards are high, though. Breakdancers, good actors, good singers, things that make me laugh or sheer honesty will make me consider it.

The people selling candy (usually young black men) can be awesome if their selection is good. On the further parts of the L in Brooklyn, they only seem to have peanut M&Ms and Welch's Fruit Snacks. But if someone's selling 100 Grand Bars or World's Finest Chocolate, I'll buy since they're harder to find & I like those. Candy bars are typically $1 each. These are different from beggars in my book since they're providing a useful good; I think the MTA ought to hire them to sell candy to commuters but that's just me.

You can also find churro sellers & cotton candy in some subway stations. I've only had the churros; if you don't care about messing up your clothes & need something really unhealthy, they're a good sugary snack. Their bags are also $1 & I believe you get 2-3 sticks of them.

10. Strangers approaching you: This is a frequent occurrence on the NYC streets and subway stations. 9 times out of 10, it will be a waste of your time. People will try handing you flyers, bothering you about petitions (they usually wear shirts advertising some cause), convert you to their faith, sell you things, etc. Avoid & ignore unless you dropped something & a stranger is giving it to you. That happens a lot in NYC (and they call us “rude”). If you didn't actually drop something or it's a religious proselytizer, just ignore that person.

Do NOT fall for the “Free Stress Test.” That's the Scientologists & they are a scary bunch. You are living under a rock if you don't know about that.

The religious nuts usually hang out in Union Square, Times Square & Broadway Junction. They also like to get on subways & preach at you, sometimes for multiple stops. Beggars usually move along quickly but some religious nuts will preach endlessly. Had a horrific experience on the J after getting back from Long Island one Thanksgiving. That is a moment you'll want that music player & ear buds.

11. NYC Attitude: It's survival of the fittest. Most of us walk fast. Subway delays drive us crazy since we have things to do, places to go & people to see. It's perfectly okay to take the empty seat in the subway (and if you give it up for a pretty girl, you'll get points for your chivalry), tell slow people & those blocking your path “excuse me” in a sharp tone, not fall for the extorted politeness some people try to pull (I told one guy that it wasn't how chivalry works since if you're just being polite for the praise, it defeats the purpose), even shove people out of the way to get on or off the subway. An MTA employee actually told us to do this to get on the subway when I was checking out the place I later moved into.

Don't worry about what people think of you. If you're going to be a NYC resident, you have no time to worry about offending people for not being the most polite person in America. You have to be tough & nasty sometimes.

Always look like you know where you're going, even if you don't. Those apps I mentioned will help you know what you're doing but if you need directions, ask an MTA employee or a cop. You could also ask random people if the train is going to a particular place & they'll usually tell you. Also, don't smile, pull out cash or maps; you will look like a tourist. I've seen people do this & been tempted to take advantage myself.

Feel free to yell out comments, give the finger or rage against assholery. I have serious pedestrian rage & road rage. Perhaps I do it in a way that makes people laugh (it lets me blow off steam) but if some jerk in a truck or a bus blocks my crosswalk, I will give them a dirty look or the finger. Same for people violating the traffic lights or who might dare to think to hit me while I'm crossing the street. Bike riders are especially notorious for violating crosswalks & zooming out when you've got the right of way. Just remember it's YOUR turf if you're a pedestrian.

You will know you are a true NYC resident when random people constantly ask you for directions & the bus tour guys don't approach you.

If you don't want to get stuck behind groups of tourists in places like Penn Station or Times Square, walk past the sidewalk on the road. You'll see the fast walkers over there, the people traveling with a purpose. You'll get where you're going a lot quicker doing that & it makes you look like you live here.

12. Subway Platforms/Temperature: Bundle up for the outside subway platforms. They get cold & windy. So does anyplace in NYC next to high buildings, near the water or where there's lots of traffic zooming by.

13. Suspiciously Empty Subway Cars: Don't go in these!!! They are empty for a reason, usually a very rank homeless person or odor, no A/C or heat or some other very good reason for it. This only applies to rush hour or where you see one empty car while the other ones are jam packed.

14. Public Transit to Avoid: Some routes are inevitable but if you can help it avoid the G and the J trains. Queens is a full on bus borough with some areas you can't get to on the NYC subway (Glendale & Maspeth to name 2 examples). I generally avoid the bus as much as I can since they are crowded, not as reliable and are more uncomfortable if they are crowded. This also goes for shuttle buses to replace subway routes. If you can avoid dealing with a shuttle bus, do it.

You'll thank me. I went through the hell of relying on the bus system in Atlanta so I know what I'm talking about.

15. Playing the Lawyer Card (if you are actually a lawyer; faking it is a felony in NY state): I encourage it & say it do it when necessary. I did it once when I was on a bus during a 90+ degree day where the driver had non-existent A/C on. I loudly talk about how some elderly person & children will collapse in the heat and own the MTA after the lawsuit. That driver cranked up the A/C real quick & I think I even referenced being an attorney as I did this so I could go represent that injured person.

16. NYC Residents Aren't Rude: We aren't. Generally if you leave people alone, they will leave you alone. If anyone gives you shit, see #11 & follow that. The motto here is “You leave me alone & I'll leave you alone.” Violation of that motto is bad business for all involved.

17. Find out about the Local Post Office, Police Precinct, FedEx & UPS: USPS tends to leave much to be desired in many parts of NYC. The one I had to deal with was horrid & known for being royally terrible, even on the Consumer Affairs Hotline. Yelp will come in handy for looking at reviews but if you can talk to people who live there about it, even better.

Same goes for the police precinct & the local UPS and FedEx locations. My police precinct was known for getting there too late to be effective & generally horrible. UPS also never left our packages or even rang our bell half the time. You had to go to a non-subway accessible location to get packages. I even had a UPS delivery guy bitch about carrying a heavy object we ordered up to my second floor apartment. FedEx was okay since you could sign an authorization allowing them to leave your delivery at the doorstep the next day & they followed that. As a rule, most package services won't do that unless you have a doorman or something.

Speaking of USPS, get the name of your local congress person. I once had to call up our local congresswoman when my post office “lost” a package of ours. After they investigated, it mysteriously turned up.

18. Grocery Stores: Grocery stores in NYC fall into 2 categories: expensive & shitty. You will get a better selection at stores in Long Island (having a car or a Zipcar membership will help).

The Food Emporium (an expensive grocery store) is owned by the same company that owns Waldbaums so if you have a Waldbaums discount card, you can use that at The Food Emporium.

19. Access to Bathrooms: Finding a bathroom in NYC without buying something in a business is a challenge. I'm going to make it easier for you & tell you where you can go for ones that have decent ladies rooms. The Grand Hyatt near Grand Central is a great restroom location. Hotel bathrooms in general are very nice, especially the one at The Plaza Hotel. I've never had problems getting into them & if you aren't a person of color or dress like a thug, you should be okay as well.

You can also use the bathroom in Starbucks if the Starbucks is big enough to have one; you don't have to buy anything first. There's also a bathroom at Brooks Brothers; I believe the one I went to was in the East 40s or 50s. You can also go to the Burlington Coat Factory near Union Square but the ladies room leaves much to be desired.

Apparently, you can also use bar bathrooms without buying things but some of those are TINY or really gross.

20. Libraries: NY Public all the way, at least in Manhattan. It's much cleaner, their policies strictly forbid nasty odors (basically, no homeless allowed) & they strike me as less likely to put up with thug shit. The branches I've been to are less sketchy. The Bronx & Staten Island are part of the NY Public library system.

I have no experience with Brooklyn but my experience with Queens is well documented. My ex still works at Queens Public.

21. Insurance: Car insurance here isn't that cheap. If you take a driving course, you can lower your car insurance rate.

22. Apartment Seasonal Norms: Landlords typically cover heat. If you have A/C units or some pump system, you're going to be paying $300+ a month in the summer for electric bills. However, you NEED A/C in the summer (at least this NC native does) if you want summer loving. It can get too hot for sex & I say that from experience. Plus, you might not want to go naked all the time if you don't have A/C. Most people can be horrendous to deal with if they are sweating their behinds off from no A/C; I know I can be a super bitch about it.

23. Quiet? Ha! You're not getting it here. Move to the suburbs if you want that. This is the city that never sleeps, unless you're in a more “family” oriented neighborhood & even then you've still got the subway and traffic.

24. Laundry: If you can get a washer & dryer in your place, you'll be a very happy person. I've met people who had smaller ones. Places with hookups can be hard to find. Most people have to go to laundromats, sometimes located a distance from where they are.

I used to get a laundry service to pick up & return our clothes since I hated the local laundromat (for good reason) & figured the cost evened out after we factored in gas, labor and washing materials to go to my MIL's house (the service provided detergent & rinse if you didn't have your own stuff you wanted to use).

Let's also not forget that laundromats have loud children running wild, annoying people & TVs blaring shows you have no interest in.

If you find yourself having to hang out in a laundromat, I suggest bringing a book or someone to make out with while you wait or it will be torture. Drying costs could also kill you; the standard is 25 cents for 8-9 minutes of drying.

25. Cell Reception: It's far from universal on the MTA.

Usually if the platform is outside, you'll get cell reception (though you'll freeze your butt off, at least I do).

The west side has more Wi-Fi than the east side in Manhattan. You won't get reception at Union Square, West 4th Street or the Atlantic Avenue-Barclays Center stops. You also won't get it on the L past 6th Avenue until you get to Wilson Avenue (but only if you're traveling to Brooklyn since that platform is outside but the one going to Manhattan isn't), again at Broadway Junction & any outside platforms past there.

You'll figure some of this out on your own or by reading Yelp reviews.

26. Meeting Women: It's not really kosher to try picking them up on the subway unless you can do it in a non-creepy way (say knocking into someone “accidentally” on a crowded train at rush hour or asking the time like the guy I told you about). Giving a compliment is also a little creepy & startling. Guys have tried picking me up on the subway & 9 times out of 10, it's creepy.

My suggestion if you don't want to go through friends or family is online dating sites. OkCupid has you answer a bunch of questions that they use to determine your match percentage. It is free.

You could also try stepping in to rescue her from a creep if you can tell she's uncomfortable. I'd appreciate a guy doing that for me, as long as he wasn't trying to extort politeness or sex from me.

* While we're on the subject of women, foreplay is your friend. Do NOT be the guy who refuses to engage in it. A good 90% of womankind loves foreplay & in my book, a guy not doing that is either a lazy, selfish prick or a rapist. Rapists don't care about the woman's comfort or enjoyment, as we all know. Ask yourself if you really want to be thought of as akin to a rapist.

When a guy tells me he doesn't like it or thinks it's a waste of time, I hear "I don't give a damn about your happiness or pleasure & only care about myself." Worse, I or any other woman could easily believe that you don't respect the word "no" or care if you put us in pain. Don't believe me? Go ask the source directly. Seek honest answers. Not a single woman I have ever met where the subject came up said she didn't like foreplay. Any who would consider themselves sexual beings have said they like foreplay to some degree. *

Just needed to say that last part. Debate me on it if you want but bring your A game if you dare to do it.

A Word About Racism & the Greek System

I was just reading this article about the SAE incident. For those not familiar with it, someone on the party bus of this chapter at the University of Oklahoma decided to videotape & post a video of this fraternity singing a racist chant. The school reacted by getting rid of the chapter, expelling people & the national office came down on them as well. Big controversy in some corners of the world.

The author actually cited an incident that happened at my school. I remember it well since I was a sophomore at the time, a member of the Greek system (though we may not have even been a chapter by that point & didn't have a house) and found the whole incident appalling. Coming from Winston Salem, NC & a high school class that was 50/50 black to white along with having many good friends who were never "tokens" but simply my black friends who weren't cutting me down behind my back like plenty of white bitches in my class, I didn't get the whole racism of these guys. I've always felt like other minorities can understand each other in a way people who aren't don't get. It might be a different story & different struggles but there's still knowing what it's like to be ostracized, bullied, harassed & having an "otherness" about you that likely explains why I've had lots of friends who wouldn't be candidates for membership into the Aryan Nation or WASP.

For the record, the major offender in that incident was not SAE like this story portrays. Perhaps there were racists there or immature guys simply joining in out of peer pressure or drunken stupidity but the real offenders were this other fraternity that draped themselves in the Confederate flag on a regular basis & called themselves "Southern gentlemen." I also wasn't personally present to see this since I was in my dorm room & then read about it later when the Black Student Association at my school publicized it.

SAE was not a fraternity that my black male co-worker at the campus museum said he wouldn't set foot in for fear of being harmed while the one I mentioned as the major offender (and the reason I had nothing to do with Oglethorpe for many years) was. These were his words, not mine.

Oh, and lest you think it's a Southern Greek system thing or that sororities always side with the frats it's not & we don't. My own sisters were just as appalled by the whole thing, especially the ones from outside of Georgia who were not used to seeing this blatant racism in their faces. We were equal opportunity & started out running the gamut in terms of our membership; I & at least one other founding member would be livid if that weren't true in our chapter today. I've seen that equal opportunity reflected in other chapters and among other alumnae I've met over the years. I don't think a single one, regardless of where her chapter was, would be siding with the behavior of the frats in this story.

There was another incident my senior year involving KA concerning their Greek Week skit & Antisemitic remarks among other offensive things (again, not present for that one; I was working in my telephone interviewing job at the time--I heard about this from my own sisters). Aside from my own sorority sisters (some of whom were Jewish), a number of girls in another sorority (who also had Jewish members) were quite ticked off about that as I recall.

Now I support free speech but I don't support speech without consequences & you bet if you uttered a racial slur around me, you'd get hell for it considering you're trashing dear friends of mine, business associates and some people who were actually there for me in life while your sorry ass probably wasn't. I'm glad to see this university taking action; my school let KA get away with shit for years. They were far too lenient on them, especially considering we were supposed to be a "liberal arts" school.

I never had issues with the other frats. I didn't go to SAE & feel like I wasn't welcome or an outsider. Guys who were members there were nice to me; I remember one of their members once telling me I was welcome there anytime. In fact, I got that kindness at every frat other than the racist one. Our newer members got along with some members there but I remember we older ones didn't feel welcome or like we had a place there. Guess we figured Southern gentlemen exempt loudmouth feminists from their "gentlemanly" behavior. At least, I felt that way.

Oglethorpe was trying to increase their black student enrollment when I was there. With the presence of that frat & a number of well known and well regarded black schools in Atlanta, I didn't blame black kids for not wanting to enroll in the racist pit that I saw Oglethorpe being at the time. I was also pissed since I didn't enroll there to endorse racism or have it shoved in my face; I came there for the academics & the experience of living in a major city.

My attitudes on race are more nuanced since I know racism isn't just a white thing. It's an everybody thing. I also lived a lot of things in my youth & had parents who taught me better than some of these people's parents must have. No one was a "token" with my parents & if they called you a friend of theirs, you were lucky especially with my mother since she's semi-reclusive. I still wish we were in touch with my father's truck driver friend (who was half black, half Native American) since I wanted him to know about my father's passing & be able to pay his respects. They were really good friends & we actually went to his house, a rarity with my parents' friends. He wasn't one of my father's drinking buddies & my mom actually liked him and his wife.

I'm skeptical of the whole "educating" people idea unless maybe it involves having to deal with direct confrontation or just dealing with people in day to day life & seeing they're really not so different from you. Kind of like that episode of The Boondocks where Uncle Ruckus meets that country music singer who's a total racist & they get along so well in their racism of black people, they do a duet. Granted, Ruckus claims to have the reverse skin condition of Michael Jackson & that's he's really a white guy but it's an example of why The Boondocks is pure genius in its social commentary. See the first three seasons for yourself; I didn't see much of the fourth so I can't speak on that one. Overall, I feel like when people are adults, they are set on certain things & sometimes so much so even death, poverty or divorce won't change them. Death didn't change my ex though it did change me. Losing stability also changed me in some ways though perhaps it also amplified what I already had. You can carve out exceptions for people you befriend or meet but it's very hard to change things like racism or homophobia & you can't do it in a commanding fashion or by forcing change. You have to do it in more subtle ways.

You have to show examples of people who aren't living up to the negative stereotypes. I also think a huge key is showing how we're the same. There are universals to human experience in my view. Death, kids, animals, weather (good or bad), parents, authority figures, the incompetence of our "elected" officials, that kind of thing.