Navigating the dating scene when you're divorced is a huge pain in the ass. After the euphoria of realizing you are free, the world is your oyster and those men are on you faster than you can blink (seriously, it's apparently a thing if you're a recently divorced woman; I lived some of that), you slip into some more normalcy.
My moment of dating normalcy came about when I got close to a friend with benefits who fit a million things I want & when I didn't feel suffocation after he called me his "girlfriend" at a fancy event where calling someone your "fuck buddy" would be awkward and creepy. He could have said "my friend" but he called me "girlfriend." It was eerie when I felt proud of that instead of freaked out. That was my "you're making progress" moment. So, having agreed we were cool with this we became exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend.
Life took him out of NYC but after seeing him a few days ago, I still realized there's heat with us. He told me seeing me on the subway was a turn on and up to when we did it (because why wouldn't you with the last boyfriend you had who you'd still sleep with exclusively if he lived in your city) was foreplay. We all deserve a guy who just being with or thinking about puts a smile on our faces. I know I do. I was getting turned on by him holding my hand while we were waiting for his bus to board.
So I came back to the dating scene after that relationship with a discrete mission: training wheels. 3 guys to do the same stuff my cadre was doing for me but this time, it'd be guys I'd consider for future boyfriend instead of dudes where I saw zero future and felt no actual attraction would ever build. I still get approached by those guys but I'm on a specific mission now. So far, my last boyfriend has been a hard act to follow. No one's come close to him. It's amazing he's 27 and far more mature than my ex-husband and my law school friend combined.
I don't think I'll be talking to that law school friend anymore, bringing me to my first issue with men: mixed signals. Do not hug your friend "bye," grab her boob and her butt and then tell her days later you wouldn't want to be a training wheels guy (since if you've been friends with that girl for over a decade, claim to respect her, once asked her if she'd consider you if she got divorced from her husband, and have semi-been there for her in her times of emotional crisis there's no way you can treat her like some whore & everyone knows it). Sorry but if you're touching private parts on me, that tells me you are interested. If I didn't push you away or tell you to stop, that means I'm interested. This isn't rocket science.
The basic view I take of a training wheels guy is we go out, have sex and we see where things go. I'm not asking for marriage or meeting families or to adopt babies or move in together. Simple, basic stuff. I can't even handle that stuff now.
Also, as pertains to this guy he doesn't have the right to act like a jealous boyfriend and trash guys I date or sleep with when I never did that to him. I didn't trash his recent ex-girlfriend when they were dating. I didn't trash girls he tried asking out or doing anything with. He's also kind of a moron to leave this woman dissatisfied then think women in my circle aren't going to ask me about him if he pursues them.
Now this guy could redeem himself and not lead me to think he'd never be able to handle a natural redhead, is all talk and no action (since he claimed to me at one time he'd be the best guy I'd ever be with) & certainly not a threesome with one (which he's asked me about despite knowing I'm straight & his not be willing to do that for me with another guy; he even went so far as to talk to other women he was pursuing about doing a threeway with him and me). I find it laughable he thinks he could handle a threeway with one who's a natural redhead if he couldn't even do the job with one natural redhead.
Yeah, women don't like mixed signals. Certainly not women who've lived what I have; I shouldn't have to be the guy in the interaction. Men usually complain about women sending mixed signals. I definitely don't do that. If I want a guy to do stuff to me, he will know it.
We also hate head games. I hate head games, at least. This is another problem I have with this guy & men in general. You don't grope me one day and a few days later, tell me you're not interested (since you already had piss poor sex with me & you're not going to be able to walk from me after you do it with me in light of the history and skill you know zip about).
Lots of guys who didn't know me became obsessed with me in that regard and certainly wouldn't trash me in that department. Even in the first day of my time of the month when I've got lots of cramps I can take Midol and perform if I'm turned on enough. I bring my best every single time, which is why I'm picky about who I do that with. I'm not going to waste my time feigning interest I don't really have. I feel that's dishonest and I feel bad about having used guys for sex when I was emotionally dead inside though none of the ones involved seemed broken up over it; it was more "Thank you, ma'am! May I have another?"
Women who've actually lived life have no time or patience for head games. I'm not going to play you want me today & you don't tomorrow. You either want me 24/7 or you can go fuck yourself. I'll certainly find others who want me 24/7/365. No loss to me. Hilarious I find 20 somethings who don't play that & my friend of the same age as me can't get that. It's a form of lying in my eyes.
Let's also address how men never seem to get the concept of middle ground: it's always sex robot or wife to them. Why, oh WHY, can't you people get that some women don't want to be treated like whores (and for the record, there's a big difference b/t using sex to cope with the destruction of your entire life & taking advantage of situations so you can move forward in life vs. making non-exclusivity your way of life for all time with no end date in sight & being with guys you don't even like as human beings) but don't want to get married?
I just got legally divorced & had the love of my life full on betray me; excuse me for not wanting to instantly jump into another exclusive relationship. Excuse me for not wanting to meet a guy's parents after my mother in law disrespected my grief over my father's death & did zip to try preserving the sanctity of marriage. This is why I'd prefer a guy whose parents are dead, however callous that sounds or a guy who isn't shoving me in as a love interest. I could meet parents as a friend since most parents don't judge, scrutinize and declare friends aren't "good enough" for their "baby."
On the flip side, excuse the fuck out of me for knowing my worth!!! Excuse me for insisting on a basic level of respect since I exist in the world, have survived the things I have and am doing a hell of a lot better than a lot of women in my shoes would have been. Could YOU do that? I'll bet you couldn't if you were in my shoes with the resources I've had. I especially hate people who've never been in my shoes daring to judge me for things I've done or tell me how to live when some of us didn't get trust funds or Mommy and Daddy right around the corner. Don't come to me with how great and strong you are when you're living off a relative; that's not the same as my situation. The best you can do for me is help me or stay out of my way.
Also, excuse the fuck out of me for being smart and pretty and knowing what I want!! I shouldn't have to dull my light or make myself lesser to make anyone feel better about themselves. I had my ex try that before & refuse to relive that. That's why I'm pursuing guys who have things of their own instead of trying to take from me or destroy me to lift themselves up. I want men for my training wheels, not little boys. If I wanted a boy, I'd go crawling back to my ex.
Oh, and maybe the biggest complaint out there: thinking women should have to settle. Nope. I'm not going to settle. I'm not obligated to go out with every guy who asks nor am I obligated to sleep with all of them. My vagina isn't a restaurant. I can discriminate on any factor I want including age, race, gender, etc. Let me stick to my type; if you don't fit it, don't go all used car salesman on me. You don't know my history, my experiences or any of that.
Plus why would you want to be with some girl who won't feel any interest in you? Wouldn't you prefer someone who WOULD be turned on by you or feels attraction could build over time? I had my last boyfriend; I deserve that caliber of guy & I'm not going for second best just b/c it's convenient. I could just get a vibrator and a cat or see about that male sex robot if I get horny and disenchanted enough.
I won't play for the other team as that's not my thing; I can't change that so sorry, I'm not bisexual, will never be bisexual & didn't even do that threeway for my ex-husband. So it makes this soon to be ex-friend's statements even more incredulous to me. He's not into certain things I'm into that are far less extreme but in the same general freakiness wheel house yet he wants to do that. I think he should just find 2 random women to do that with it, get it done and shut up about it. Excuse the hell out of me for not being a lesbian or bisexual!! Some guy ought to be delighted I won't leave his ass for a woman or seek that touch instead of his; be glad I like heterosexual sex and the real thing on a level that can't even be contemplated.
Some days I feel like I'm fighting a one woman war to keep my standards while everyone around me (men especially) is telling me to settle for things I don't want or to put up with more BS. I need training wheels to redeem my faith in men, not encourage me to get a sex robot.
Another interesting observation I've made is guys aren't these mythical gods who exist on a different plane than women. They've got jobs and hassles as well; it seems many you'd think are getting laid a lot really aren't. So I'd think my little proposal would appeal to them and they'd shape up for that but noooo....God forbid they have to deal with a woman who's got multiple guys while they have multiple girls or who knows what she's seeking or demands some standards for herself. I've been told I intimidate men; I don't think that's a bad, horrible thing by a long shot. I say if you can't take the heat, get your ass out of the kitchen.
Though living it, I'll still take dating over being married to my ex. Possibility is always better than known misery.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
The Trouble With Men and Dating
Posted by Film Co. Lawyer at 8:25 AM
Labels: dishonesty, head games, middle ground, mixed signals, standards
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