Sunday, April 13, 2014

How Long Do You Get to Live Without Judgment After Tragedy?

Yesterday, a new friend of mine was talking about this. Apparently, they say you get 3 months to be a total asshole without any judgment or condemnation if you lose a parent. This was something he'd heard after his father died (one point of our instant bond; that felt like "hey, you understand something major about me").

With all the shit I've been going through, I figure I should get at least 1 year. I definitely didn't see all this coming. A year ago, I wouldn't have predicted I'd be hanging out with this friend in NYC or that we'd have even crossed paths. Nor did I foresee any of this 6 months ago. No one else I talked to really saw it either. They also expected my jerky ex to exercise a little compassion and flexibility instead of trying to sabotage, be emotionally abusive & make threats at me. One friend even told me he'd never leave me & I'd be the one ending things. I was unhappy but I didn't really end things; I thought there was still a little hope before late January.

Now I just look back & think giving up my independence was completely stupid even though I never did it 100%. Imagine if I had; things would have been far worse for me & it would hurt more. Kicking someone when they're down is plain beastly & scummy.

Watched one of my favorite episodes of South Park recently. Remember the one where we first meet the Goth kids & the Raisins girls? Where Wendy breaks up with Stan and Stan reacts by joining up with the Goth kids? I watched it & saw Stan's reaction to the whole thing. I remember thinking "I don't feel like Stan in the aftermath of being dumped. I don't have the urge to sit & cry someplace or go Goth."

Instead, I feel reborn. Like the whole world is wide open to me in a way that it wasn't when I was living in my old place and in my old life. There's excitement & adventure in this new life; lots of it, really. I've got some great inspiration and stories for writing and acting. I've gotten to broaden my horizons in major ways that I probably wouldn't have if life hadn't intervened. Then there's also being a far stronger person than plenty of people; my mom was telling me today I'm much stronger than to just give up & develop a substance abuse problem or end up being committed to a mental hospital. Probably true; I know I've dealt with far greater adversity and foes than my scummy ex-husband or his equally scummy, fully hypocritical family could even contemplate. Real "pro-family" to condone letting your kid toss his wife out knowing damn well she has no family in the area, no steady paying income & is legally married to him vs. being some live-in he got sick of.

My bullshit tolerance is also even lower, if that's possible. I've got no incentive or stakes to stand for it at this point. It's like being single again but in a more concentrated, direct & cynical way. At least one new friend actually likes my cynicism, though. He even unlocked answers to some questions I'd been wondering about like why the sudden 180 from a guy who supposedly loved me & why I constantly get propositioned/asked out by men.

If my soon to be ex begged me to come back, I wouldn't. For one thing, he crossed the line into unforgivable behavior (at least what I consider unforgivable). I think what is unforgivable or not is generally up to the person but certainly anyone hearing about what this guy did wouldn't want me to let him think any of that was perfectly acceptable or forgivable. It would be a betrayal of myself to allow him back after all that.

Second, I've only been emboldened to be more self-confident & embrace my model self (the 2 things he & his family seemed to hate). If he thought I'd changed at the end of the relationship, well I've changed far more now. I've gotten far better treatment, more love, more respect & more compassion from virtual strangers and my allies/saviors/whatever term you want to use for people helping you in the times I'm dealing with than I did from him at the very end. He seemed to resent the idea that I had human worth & knew my worth. To that, I say "Fuck him."

Third, if you had experienced the adventure and getting to do things I now get to do as a virtual single person, would you go back to your old life? Other than the cats, there's nothing there for me anymore. I've had other cats & eventually one has to move on in life.

As I think about it, there's just no way that could ever be reconciled. I still feel I don't really have to do much to fix his wagon though plenty of people have pointed out that he's a total idiot for crossing an attorney. Whether I get a paycheck from it or not, I still have the skill & license. I also still have the forethought to do things & take care of myself that he never had. If he wasn't living with Mommy & Daddy by Christmas, I'd be shocked. I know no roommate is going to give a shit about his job situation or indulge his bitching while he does nothing to change it.

Just a feeling but I know my life will always be more interesting than his. I've accepted that I now live in a different world & occupy a different, cooler sphere than he or his family does. It's not something I'm ashamed or unhappy about; rather I decided to embrace it. Stealing from me isn't going to change certain truths.

I do seriously wonder how long I get to take a vacation from judgment & condemnation for my actions. There was my father's death, my SIL's death, pending legal stuff, family strife from asserting myself & now this bastard kicking me during all this. I've had to act for mere survival & I think I'm certainly entitled to some creature comforts in this very difficult period. Whatever creature comforts I can get, really.

Not sure I'll ever really get over the anger or sense of betrayal & that truth ensures I need to be alone. I haven't even thought about what I'm doing or where I'll be for holidays; that sort of thing becomes inconsequential to you after going through all this. Even if I'm alone, eating something basic I'll be happy that I'm alive, haven't been taken down by this bastard & still have a support system through it all. My mother called me a phoenix. Perhaps that's true; sometimes I've even counted myself out on things & life intervened to make things better.

I feel like my jerky ex did me a favor by kicking me out & pulling his shit since now I've discovered better things and found people to associate with who aren't losers or limited. I'm also not the only one who feels he's the loser here & threw away a good thing.

Meanwhile, I've just been trying to live as best I can from day to day & not be too hard on myself. After all, I'm in abnormal times & an emotional position I'm not normally in. I don't feel I can be 100% responsible for my actions at this point. Dare to judge me? Go walk in these shoes & see how you'd cope. Maybe you'd be just like my ex, who'd fall apart if he were in my position. Guess the strong, confident & independent types should just stay with those. At least I've gotten more discerning on who I deal with.

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