My life has changed dramatically in the past few months. I got served with divorce papers nearly 2 weeks ago when I was there for my Order of Protection hearing and 2 people couldn't have been more distant from one another. Some days I wonder what I saw in my ex and why I married him. Maybe, as my therapist put it, I was simply overly flattered by male attention. I can tell you that's come to an end. Perhaps she's also right when she said he was right for that time in my life but that time simply ended & he was no longer the one for me.
I try not to be a full on bitch but I do have a standard for myself these days. The upside on increased confidence is that you can do things you wouldn't think possible before. If you feel you deserve something (not entitled to it) & have that standard, you can get it. I'm finding this to be very accurate in my own life.
Funny that much cuter guys with better character are interested in me these days. I saw him in that courthouse & I felt the disonance that everyone else had pointed out to me, especially my friend in DC. It took me a lot of time to actually see what they saw & really have it sink in. But one who is ambitious like I am is far better off without a guy who views her as a failed meal ticket. I'd rather be with a man who has some confidence in himself, doesn't blame the world for his problems & isn't just a plain old miserable fuck. I'm still a realist & cynical in many respects but I wouldn't call myself "miserable."
A couple days ago I realized I've become the fantasy woman. I'm like Wendy Lubbock on "Just the Ten of Us" or Flo on "Alice" or a younger version of Blanche Deveraux of "The Golden Girls." I have even noticed guys just check me out as I walk by; I used to feel really flattered but now it's more "business as usual" with some appreciation mixed in.
There's also great power in talking to people, getting their stories, knowing things about them & their lives. For me, those experiences give me a sense of perspective. Take the recent death of Robin Williams. You'd think him being famous & doing all this great stuff in life, presumably making a fortune from his acting and comedy career would mean his life is pretty darn sweet. Apparently, it wasn't.
You never really know a person's experience if you aren't there & seeing it. We've all got a persona we show to the world & if someone lets you see behind the mask, consider it a compliment. I personally feel valued & treasured when someone shows me that. I've had to show that side to people out of necessity in recent times & it's not an easy thing to do, especially for me. Being around others, hearing their stories makes me feel "You know, things could be a lot worse." Maybe my story gives that perspective to others & they say "At least I'm not going through this or that."
Nonetheless, if you haven't had someone you loved once look right through you, you can't understand what that pain feels like. It sort of proves to me that I can't really take that risk of getting close again. Maybe if the guy's parents are dead (or dead to him), he's at least as stubborn as me & refuses to let me push him away, he might have a fighting chance. Or perhaps if his parents respect him as an adult & aren't puritanical jerks, things could work out but at the end of the day, I come back to "If the only man I ever fully loved & who I was with for nearly 10 years could betray me, toss me out like garbage, so on and so on, how can I expect any better from any other guy?" I feel I can't so this is where I'm at.
It's funny that it only affects me in a surface way & much of my being is dedicated to feeling betrayed and angry. I'm not despondent or seeking to go back or anything. I just want to have new experiences with other guys & find men who are better than my ex. God knows they are out there. Now I go to events thinking about how one of these ladies would conduct themselves; you notice they don't go demeaning themselves for a guy or really even have to ask. They just show up & get what they want. I figure "why not me?"
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Sex Store Adventures
I recently went to a Yelp Elite event at a sex shop. This was my first trip to one in a while & I got some stuff I wanted to try out including furry handcuffs. The irony with me getting handcuffs is I have serious anxiety when it comes to being restrained in intimate moments; I only allowed that with my estranged spouse & wouldn't let any other guy do that unless I really trusted him. He'd also have to agree to be restrained since if you guys want women to let you restrain them, you're going to have to agree to the same thing or shut up.
So I actually have a unique history with sex shops. Legend has it that the owner of a huge sex store in Atlanta was an alumnus of my university & tried to give the school money at one point. Back when I'd gone there & recently graduated, they constantly hammered & begged alumni for money. They poor mouthed so much, you wondered how in God's name they managed to keep the doors open. I remember them hassling me months after I graduated & was still in my grace period for repaying student loans; due to the state of affairs at that time along with my personal circumstances, I thought it was extremely crass to go asking recent graduates to contribute to the school. The economy wasn't even as bad then as it was post-2008 so if some school is doing that today, it's even more insulting & tacky.
So with all this begging, you'd think the school would have taken the guy's money. The story goes that they rejected his offer. Why? Supposedly b/c they didn't approve of his business. They apparently weren't familiar with the saying "Beggars can't be choosers."
My sorority chapter was filled with some evolved & cool ladies who had a sense of humor along with a more laid back attitude on matters of sex. I remember quite a few candid conversations about sex (some I listened to & some I was part of).
In fact, we once had an impromptu sorority field trip to this huge sex store in Atlanta (the one & only Inserection). It was actually my first time going to a sex store so it was somewhat eventful for me. As a bunch of girls often do, we browsed, observed, made comments & had fun on this little jaunt. One of my sisters sees a girl on the cover of a porn film & says "That looks like The Angry Redheaded Lawyer" (back when I was merely an angry redhead). I point it wasn't b/c if it was, I'd have a lot more money than I do. Paying tuition wouldn't have been an issue, though I wouldn't have gotten to be a lawyer.
One girl in my sorority dated an artist who gave her a plaster mold of his penis. I didn't see it myself but we definitely heard the story. They also saw the massive amount of flowers I got from Psycho Boy when I was participating in sorority stuff one weekend. A lot of us had that sisterly rapport with one another.
Except for that & more recently, the only other times I remember going to sex shops was with my spouse. We went to one with a very pushy salesperson but I will give her this: she was informed & helpful when we had questions.
If you're going to work at a sex store, there are some requirements:
1. You have to be more laid back when it comes to sex. Imagine someone with my mother's attitude working there; she didn't even want to hear about the ex's theory regarding my ex-friend having a threesome with a guy & his baby mama while they all shared living quarters.
I heard a couple days ago that my ex-friend apparently married this man so he wouldn't get deported. Personally, I think deportation would have been fine & if no one in her family has had a stroke from her birthing his baby and/or marrying him I'd be shocked. This is a woman whose family is more religious than mine & whose grandmother wouldn't let our gay classmate into her house after he came out. I'm sure the affair & the interracial stuff had to make them happy.
2. You need to be non-judgmental. Do you really think people want to talk to a judgmental asshole? Gay, straight, I don't care. People's sex lives aren't your business so if you want sales, remember money is money regardless of where it came from.
Sex shops I've been to, especially in major cities, cater to everyone's tastes & preferences. Gay people have demands as well as straight people. I have to wonder if that holds for smaller cities in the South; you know how judgey they are about gay people & "alternative" lifestyles down there.
3. You can't be the type who giggles & gets all cutesy. The place I went to was having workshops & if you're going to educate people, you can't do it if you're giggling the whole time or look completely embarrassed.
So maybe you should have a little bit of sexual experience if you're going to take a job at a sex store.
Now, for the visuals. I have pics from my adventure:
That's an example of why this place rocks. They cater to both genders & all orientations. Unless someone were a total prude or had no sexual interest at all, I can't see objections to one of these as a gag gift.
I even saw stuff I have never seen before:
I've never seen these before. Didn't check the price but you can only use them once according to the package.
There was also this that I'm going to test out. After all, I'm the ultimate lost cause here:
Also every type of condom you've heard of or wondered about, including flavored ones & Magnums.
I also got some pasties so made sure to get pastie glue. Just seemed like a smart purchase:
This stuff was really good. I did actually taste it:
This just amused me. Maybe for the man who'll never get laid again (I have some theories on that):
Lastly, they do have bondage rope here. The handcuffs were nearby but you might save some money getting this at Home Depot. It was $40 here; I feel like that's way too much.
I had a lot of fun & like that they have everything you ever wanted + cater to all people, not just some of them. I saw all types of stuff here & that is how a sex shop should be. When I saw this penis clock when I went in college, I thought of getting that for my mother to see how she'd react. I bet it would be funny. Scandalizing uber-religious types; it's just so darn tempting.
So I actually have a unique history with sex shops. Legend has it that the owner of a huge sex store in Atlanta was an alumnus of my university & tried to give the school money at one point. Back when I'd gone there & recently graduated, they constantly hammered & begged alumni for money. They poor mouthed so much, you wondered how in God's name they managed to keep the doors open. I remember them hassling me months after I graduated & was still in my grace period for repaying student loans; due to the state of affairs at that time along with my personal circumstances, I thought it was extremely crass to go asking recent graduates to contribute to the school. The economy wasn't even as bad then as it was post-2008 so if some school is doing that today, it's even more insulting & tacky.
So with all this begging, you'd think the school would have taken the guy's money. The story goes that they rejected his offer. Why? Supposedly b/c they didn't approve of his business. They apparently weren't familiar with the saying "Beggars can't be choosers."
My sorority chapter was filled with some evolved & cool ladies who had a sense of humor along with a more laid back attitude on matters of sex. I remember quite a few candid conversations about sex (some I listened to & some I was part of).
In fact, we once had an impromptu sorority field trip to this huge sex store in Atlanta (the one & only Inserection). It was actually my first time going to a sex store so it was somewhat eventful for me. As a bunch of girls often do, we browsed, observed, made comments & had fun on this little jaunt. One of my sisters sees a girl on the cover of a porn film & says "That looks like The Angry Redheaded Lawyer" (back when I was merely an angry redhead). I point it wasn't b/c if it was, I'd have a lot more money than I do. Paying tuition wouldn't have been an issue, though I wouldn't have gotten to be a lawyer.
One girl in my sorority dated an artist who gave her a plaster mold of his penis. I didn't see it myself but we definitely heard the story. They also saw the massive amount of flowers I got from Psycho Boy when I was participating in sorority stuff one weekend. A lot of us had that sisterly rapport with one another.
Except for that & more recently, the only other times I remember going to sex shops was with my spouse. We went to one with a very pushy salesperson but I will give her this: she was informed & helpful when we had questions.
If you're going to work at a sex store, there are some requirements:
1. You have to be more laid back when it comes to sex. Imagine someone with my mother's attitude working there; she didn't even want to hear about the ex's theory regarding my ex-friend having a threesome with a guy & his baby mama while they all shared living quarters.
I heard a couple days ago that my ex-friend apparently married this man so he wouldn't get deported. Personally, I think deportation would have been fine & if no one in her family has had a stroke from her birthing his baby and/or marrying him I'd be shocked. This is a woman whose family is more religious than mine & whose grandmother wouldn't let our gay classmate into her house after he came out. I'm sure the affair & the interracial stuff had to make them happy.
2. You need to be non-judgmental. Do you really think people want to talk to a judgmental asshole? Gay, straight, I don't care. People's sex lives aren't your business so if you want sales, remember money is money regardless of where it came from.
Sex shops I've been to, especially in major cities, cater to everyone's tastes & preferences. Gay people have demands as well as straight people. I have to wonder if that holds for smaller cities in the South; you know how judgey they are about gay people & "alternative" lifestyles down there.
3. You can't be the type who giggles & gets all cutesy. The place I went to was having workshops & if you're going to educate people, you can't do it if you're giggling the whole time or look completely embarrassed.
So maybe you should have a little bit of sexual experience if you're going to take a job at a sex store.
Now, for the visuals. I have pics from my adventure:
That's an example of why this place rocks. They cater to both genders & all orientations. Unless someone were a total prude or had no sexual interest at all, I can't see objections to one of these as a gag gift.
I even saw stuff I have never seen before:
I've never seen these before. Didn't check the price but you can only use them once according to the package.
There was also this that I'm going to test out. After all, I'm the ultimate lost cause here:
Also every type of condom you've heard of or wondered about, including flavored ones & Magnums.
I also got some pasties so made sure to get pastie glue. Just seemed like a smart purchase:
This stuff was really good. I did actually taste it:
This just amused me. Maybe for the man who'll never get laid again (I have some theories on that):
Lastly, they do have bondage rope here. The handcuffs were nearby but you might save some money getting this at Home Depot. It was $40 here; I feel like that's way too much.
I had a lot of fun & like that they have everything you ever wanted + cater to all people, not just some of them. I saw all types of stuff here & that is how a sex shop should be. When I saw this penis clock when I went in college, I thought of getting that for my mother to see how she'd react. I bet it would be funny. Scandalizing uber-religious types; it's just so darn tempting.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Is Being Pretty an Open Invitation to Getting Pestered by Cretins & Having Their Lives Micromanaged by "Godly" Employers?
I'd like to know. Let's consider those recent essays on rape culture, including this article on school dress codes.
Does it feel like to anyone that being a woman, particularly an attractive one, seems to be an open invitation for ugly guys (usually in both looks & personality) to pester them? It frustrates the heck out of Single 2.0 me. How come?
First off, I have never been the type to approach a guy on my own. My feeling has been that if I did the approaching & get rejected, it's my fault b/c I inconvenienced the person with my presence. Apparently lots of not that good looking guys don't have that particular "ism" since they approach me like nobody's business, never thinking that they could be out of my league. Maybe my ex should take some lessons.
Second, I'm just not going to compete for some guy. Sorry but I have more value in myself as a human being and I just don't have the time, interest or inclination to do it. I feel the record speaks for itself: my personality, my looks, etc. To my view, if some guy isn't bothering to talk to me & I look as I do fuck him. There's other fish in the sea (as I've reminded myself on numerous occasions & feel gratified by when I get another phone number from a guy after putting in no real effort to get it). I ought to start collecting & saving those; it's getting to be a frequent thing.
Third, just because I have a good conversation with you & don't think you're a flaming imbecile does NOT mean I want you to fuck my brains out. Let me tell you right now good conversation is hard to find when you're the sort of person who doesn't fit into a typical mold. I have a model body with an attorney brain: this makes it harder for me to find peers & true friends I feel comfortable talking to about different things. I happen to value that.
I've also been told I'm fascinating & an interesting person. I shouldn't have to change that, nor will I. Not sure I'd know how to be boring if I tried.
Let's make it clear that my liking a conversation I have with you or having an intellectual connection does not = me wanting to sleep with you. Seems some guys totally don't get that; some of us want platonic friends, damn it. With all I've been going through, I'm not exactly turning down legitimate caring & friendship. If you really were a decent, stand up kind of guy you would NOT be shitting on that. You would be perfectly fine with being a woman's friend. For all you know, it might lead somewhere if you're not a pushy asshole or she might find you that soulmate (if you ask me, that doesn't really exist but who am I to tell anyone not to bother looking if I'm not being paid to tell them that).
I'm not sure whether some guys are just bursting with confidence in a way my ex wasn't or they are seriously clueless. Do I attract ugly guys simply because I have humanity in me? If that's true, it's a damn curse. I'd like to interact with guys I find cute who also don't annoy me enough to make me want to see a heavy object fall on their heads. Perhaps that's the eternal issue though. Do other pretty girls who aren't in exclusive relationships go through this? I know the average looking girls do.
Speaking of being paid to talk people out of things, I wonder if there's such a business or scheme where people get paid to talk others out of getting married or staying in a bad marriage. I could probably convince people to shun marriage. Maybe some people hate a prospective in-law. Maybe some friends don't like their buddy making a commitment to an abuser, a ball buster, or just someone who is an intolerable misanthrope. Not sure if you could have talked me out of getting married to my ex but maybe I should have told my one friend to shoot me or have me committed.
I think I did tell him to do that if I ever showed an inkling of wanting to get married again. If I didn't, I'll have to tell him along with plenty of other people. Don't let me get married or commit to someone; remind me of the massive pain, heartbreak, betrayal and other bullshit I'm going to have to deal with because of giving up my independence & sharing my life with someone. I would certainly share my story if I had to talk someone out of getting or staying married; I'm far happier being out of it than I was in the bad times.
Personally, I feel like those bad times were engineered by my ex rather than something that was credible. Who needs a relationship like that? Isn't it funny how you get out of a situation, get treated better & look back on what you thought was great to realize that it wasn't what you thought it was?
I realized I like having a guy to pamper me & do so without being resentful or pissy about it. That is how it SHOULD be. Women shouldn't have to be worrying about some guy being resentful for doing things for them. If some guy has an issue with it, he may want to examine himself & figure out why he's alone or not with the model types (or at least one who isn't "plastic"). It's not so much that women are gold diggers; you can be generous of heart without being a millionaire. It also doesn't matter if a woman needs to be taken care of or not; self-sufficient women who aren't totally reprehensible do appreciate the gesture (at least I do).
Also, the whole Hobby Lobby case seems related to this issue since they apparently want to make it impossible for women who work there to have rights like the modern citizen. Considering what I've read about their settlement with the NY Attorney General's office & their having products made in China with worker abuse, they're about as "godly" as I am muscular. Let's hope the Supreme Court does the right thing & not allow your employer to shove women into the sugar daddy empire to get their birth control covered since they'll never be able to get it under their health insurance coverage.
Check out some of the medieval legislation going on in places like Ohio, where they want to outlaw abortion even if the mother's life is in danger. So much for that tubal ligation; they'd have a woman like me die from an ectopic pregnancy vs. getting rid of a fetus that will never be viable.
I say if you're pretty, you have the right to be selective & not settle for bullshit. Especially if you just got out of a horrible relationship that in retrospect, wasn't as great as you thought it was. At least that realization makes it possible for me to move on to bigger and better things. As long as you have the unknown, there's limitless potential. Just make sure that guy doesn't support Hobby Lobby's right to micromanage its employee's lives. Maybe they should be forced to raise these unwanted kids since they want to play God so badly. Any guy trying to interfere in such things should also be required to do that. Just my thought.
Does it feel like to anyone that being a woman, particularly an attractive one, seems to be an open invitation for ugly guys (usually in both looks & personality) to pester them? It frustrates the heck out of Single 2.0 me. How come?
First off, I have never been the type to approach a guy on my own. My feeling has been that if I did the approaching & get rejected, it's my fault b/c I inconvenienced the person with my presence. Apparently lots of not that good looking guys don't have that particular "ism" since they approach me like nobody's business, never thinking that they could be out of my league. Maybe my ex should take some lessons.
Second, I'm just not going to compete for some guy. Sorry but I have more value in myself as a human being and I just don't have the time, interest or inclination to do it. I feel the record speaks for itself: my personality, my looks, etc. To my view, if some guy isn't bothering to talk to me & I look as I do fuck him. There's other fish in the sea (as I've reminded myself on numerous occasions & feel gratified by when I get another phone number from a guy after putting in no real effort to get it). I ought to start collecting & saving those; it's getting to be a frequent thing.
Third, just because I have a good conversation with you & don't think you're a flaming imbecile does NOT mean I want you to fuck my brains out. Let me tell you right now good conversation is hard to find when you're the sort of person who doesn't fit into a typical mold. I have a model body with an attorney brain: this makes it harder for me to find peers & true friends I feel comfortable talking to about different things. I happen to value that.
I've also been told I'm fascinating & an interesting person. I shouldn't have to change that, nor will I. Not sure I'd know how to be boring if I tried.
Let's make it clear that my liking a conversation I have with you or having an intellectual connection does not = me wanting to sleep with you. Seems some guys totally don't get that; some of us want platonic friends, damn it. With all I've been going through, I'm not exactly turning down legitimate caring & friendship. If you really were a decent, stand up kind of guy you would NOT be shitting on that. You would be perfectly fine with being a woman's friend. For all you know, it might lead somewhere if you're not a pushy asshole or she might find you that soulmate (if you ask me, that doesn't really exist but who am I to tell anyone not to bother looking if I'm not being paid to tell them that).
I'm not sure whether some guys are just bursting with confidence in a way my ex wasn't or they are seriously clueless. Do I attract ugly guys simply because I have humanity in me? If that's true, it's a damn curse. I'd like to interact with guys I find cute who also don't annoy me enough to make me want to see a heavy object fall on their heads. Perhaps that's the eternal issue though. Do other pretty girls who aren't in exclusive relationships go through this? I know the average looking girls do.
Speaking of being paid to talk people out of things, I wonder if there's such a business or scheme where people get paid to talk others out of getting married or staying in a bad marriage. I could probably convince people to shun marriage. Maybe some people hate a prospective in-law. Maybe some friends don't like their buddy making a commitment to an abuser, a ball buster, or just someone who is an intolerable misanthrope. Not sure if you could have talked me out of getting married to my ex but maybe I should have told my one friend to shoot me or have me committed.
I think I did tell him to do that if I ever showed an inkling of wanting to get married again. If I didn't, I'll have to tell him along with plenty of other people. Don't let me get married or commit to someone; remind me of the massive pain, heartbreak, betrayal and other bullshit I'm going to have to deal with because of giving up my independence & sharing my life with someone. I would certainly share my story if I had to talk someone out of getting or staying married; I'm far happier being out of it than I was in the bad times.
Personally, I feel like those bad times were engineered by my ex rather than something that was credible. Who needs a relationship like that? Isn't it funny how you get out of a situation, get treated better & look back on what you thought was great to realize that it wasn't what you thought it was?
I realized I like having a guy to pamper me & do so without being resentful or pissy about it. That is how it SHOULD be. Women shouldn't have to be worrying about some guy being resentful for doing things for them. If some guy has an issue with it, he may want to examine himself & figure out why he's alone or not with the model types (or at least one who isn't "plastic"). It's not so much that women are gold diggers; you can be generous of heart without being a millionaire. It also doesn't matter if a woman needs to be taken care of or not; self-sufficient women who aren't totally reprehensible do appreciate the gesture (at least I do).
Also, the whole Hobby Lobby case seems related to this issue since they apparently want to make it impossible for women who work there to have rights like the modern citizen. Considering what I've read about their settlement with the NY Attorney General's office & their having products made in China with worker abuse, they're about as "godly" as I am muscular. Let's hope the Supreme Court does the right thing & not allow your employer to shove women into the sugar daddy empire to get their birth control covered since they'll never be able to get it under their health insurance coverage.
Check out some of the medieval legislation going on in places like Ohio, where they want to outlaw abortion even if the mother's life is in danger. So much for that tubal ligation; they'd have a woman like me die from an ectopic pregnancy vs. getting rid of a fetus that will never be viable.
I say if you're pretty, you have the right to be selective & not settle for bullshit. Especially if you just got out of a horrible relationship that in retrospect, wasn't as great as you thought it was. At least that realization makes it possible for me to move on to bigger and better things. As long as you have the unknown, there's limitless potential. Just make sure that guy doesn't support Hobby Lobby's right to micromanage its employee's lives. Maybe they should be forced to raise these unwanted kids since they want to play God so badly. Any guy trying to interfere in such things should also be required to do that. Just my thought.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
More Moves Foward
Really happy I got to be part of this cool urban fashion show in Brooklyn yesterday. I was the only model looking like me (as usual) and probably stood out even more as the only redhead than the only white girl; one guy told me after the show I was holding it down for a white girl. Nice, huh?
I rehearsed and have practiced walking like mad for this one. Remember, I said modeling isn't remotely as easy as it looks. You have to know how to walk properly & you're constantly being critiqued on it and other things. Maybe if you gain weight more easily you get critiqued on that; it's not an issue I deal with but I did find recently I have gotten above 100 pounds (which is a small victory since it's not really healthy for a 5'6 woman to be under 100 pounds, especially when I like my current bra size).
This was the first show where I had a need for pasties. I happened to have nude pasties on me & asked a few days before if I should bring them. I was told to bring them so I did. Turns out that was a very good thing to do since I modeled some sexy outfits, at least one of which my jerky ex would likely have bitched about. I wanted to do swimwear & finally got to do that in this show.
I also got to wear some cute dresses, including one cut in a way that I would kill to get. I would likely use body tape to wear it but I would love to get a dress of that cut. Plus, I just loved the dress period. The dressing up part is probably one of my favorite things about being a model. I just remember that I will look good no matter what & it all flows from there, especially hair wise. The performance aspect probably appeals to me because of my acting background though I realized in that last outfit "Oh, shit I didn't shave down there." Then again, I argue that because I'm a natural redhead & have sensitive skin I should get a dispensation from that. Plus, it's not like a European guy would hassle me on it. I also have never had a guy reject me on the basis of too much hair.
My company recently got an account on Instagram & I keep getting asked about my Instagram account by people in fashion. Realized I probably ought to start one myself. I got the app but never created one. I also have an app to clean up pictures & I made sure to get some of myself in my outfits (since you may never get your pics if you don't do that & it might take ages to get them so at least you have something for yourself, fans, whoever). I can do that along with pics I take of random things. Saw a few things recently I had to snap pictures of.
Maybe I should look into Hoot Suite so I can manage all these social media accounts. I know it costs money, which I do NOT like so hesitant there.
I also loaned my bra to a model who was wearing this one lace top & didn't have pasties. I would be horribly self-conscious about going out in a see through top with nothing covering me & figure it might mean "bye bye" to my career so I felt it was only right to help a sister out. Plus, she was cool to me & told me "it's just a fashion show" even having a "devil may care" attitude on the whole thing. I thought that was awesome so of course I'm going to help someone like that. Be a bitch to me & I'd laugh in your face.
I use pasties if I can't do a bra since I'm self-conscious about certain things showing. I knew if I didn't have them, I'd be flashing the audience (which wouldn't be good). I still believe in classiness & do have my professional reputation to consider.
Still also riding that wave of male attention in the wake of the bullshit. One guy I got a number from was particularly interesting. Let's just say he's in a role where you don't want to be starting anything. I also may be getting the opportunity to do something I've been dying to do & that will make me a very happy lady. What? I can't mention it yet.
Plus I'm aware of certain hating assholes who may still pry into my affairs even though I clearly don't write for them, could care less what they think & like it or not will still have their name unless they want to give me a few hundred dollars to change it (in NY state, you have to publish your name change in a newspaper along with paying the fee they require).
Also learned today about an industry friend being in a bad car accident with some other people (including the big name star he was opening for) & being in the hospital in stable but critical condition. I even saw the post people referenced where he talked about how much fun he was having 50 minutes before it happened. That's plain eerie. I also can't do more death & dying nor can I do anyone adding stress or hassle to my life. I've also been riding a wave of good news that I'd like to keep up as long as I can.
In closing, fuck the people who hate strong women & excuse the hell out of anyone who thinks I'm going to shrivel up and be a victim to please them. That's no way to live & no one should pull that act for anyone. What's the point?
I rehearsed and have practiced walking like mad for this one. Remember, I said modeling isn't remotely as easy as it looks. You have to know how to walk properly & you're constantly being critiqued on it and other things. Maybe if you gain weight more easily you get critiqued on that; it's not an issue I deal with but I did find recently I have gotten above 100 pounds (which is a small victory since it's not really healthy for a 5'6 woman to be under 100 pounds, especially when I like my current bra size).
This was the first show where I had a need for pasties. I happened to have nude pasties on me & asked a few days before if I should bring them. I was told to bring them so I did. Turns out that was a very good thing to do since I modeled some sexy outfits, at least one of which my jerky ex would likely have bitched about. I wanted to do swimwear & finally got to do that in this show.
I also got to wear some cute dresses, including one cut in a way that I would kill to get. I would likely use body tape to wear it but I would love to get a dress of that cut. Plus, I just loved the dress period. The dressing up part is probably one of my favorite things about being a model. I just remember that I will look good no matter what & it all flows from there, especially hair wise. The performance aspect probably appeals to me because of my acting background though I realized in that last outfit "Oh, shit I didn't shave down there." Then again, I argue that because I'm a natural redhead & have sensitive skin I should get a dispensation from that. Plus, it's not like a European guy would hassle me on it. I also have never had a guy reject me on the basis of too much hair.
My company recently got an account on Instagram & I keep getting asked about my Instagram account by people in fashion. Realized I probably ought to start one myself. I got the app but never created one. I also have an app to clean up pictures & I made sure to get some of myself in my outfits (since you may never get your pics if you don't do that & it might take ages to get them so at least you have something for yourself, fans, whoever). I can do that along with pics I take of random things. Saw a few things recently I had to snap pictures of.
Maybe I should look into Hoot Suite so I can manage all these social media accounts. I know it costs money, which I do NOT like so hesitant there.
I also loaned my bra to a model who was wearing this one lace top & didn't have pasties. I would be horribly self-conscious about going out in a see through top with nothing covering me & figure it might mean "bye bye" to my career so I felt it was only right to help a sister out. Plus, she was cool to me & told me "it's just a fashion show" even having a "devil may care" attitude on the whole thing. I thought that was awesome so of course I'm going to help someone like that. Be a bitch to me & I'd laugh in your face.
I use pasties if I can't do a bra since I'm self-conscious about certain things showing. I knew if I didn't have them, I'd be flashing the audience (which wouldn't be good). I still believe in classiness & do have my professional reputation to consider.
Still also riding that wave of male attention in the wake of the bullshit. One guy I got a number from was particularly interesting. Let's just say he's in a role where you don't want to be starting anything. I also may be getting the opportunity to do something I've been dying to do & that will make me a very happy lady. What? I can't mention it yet.
Plus I'm aware of certain hating assholes who may still pry into my affairs even though I clearly don't write for them, could care less what they think & like it or not will still have their name unless they want to give me a few hundred dollars to change it (in NY state, you have to publish your name change in a newspaper along with paying the fee they require).
Also learned today about an industry friend being in a bad car accident with some other people (including the big name star he was opening for) & being in the hospital in stable but critical condition. I even saw the post people referenced where he talked about how much fun he was having 50 minutes before it happened. That's plain eerie. I also can't do more death & dying nor can I do anyone adding stress or hassle to my life. I've also been riding a wave of good news that I'd like to keep up as long as I can.
In closing, fuck the people who hate strong women & excuse the hell out of anyone who thinks I'm going to shrivel up and be a victim to please them. That's no way to live & no one should pull that act for anyone. What's the point?
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
A Sucky Weekend & Distractions
This past weekend was not one of greatness for me: Saturday marked 10 years to the day I had my first date with the jerky ex while Sunday was the 1 year anniversary of my father's death. Part of me really wanted to be alone those days & just wallow somewhere.
However, that didn't happen since I was given opportunity to do other things. On Saturday, I had a party I was covering for the blog I write for. I felt that since I'd only gone to one event for the festival I was covering I should make an effort to go to this party. Plus, I have a philosophy that you should go to as many different things as you can since you never know where you're going to meet some meaningful person in your life whether that's a professional contact who helps you in business or a new lover or your new best friend (since your old one was adding to the stress & strife of your life). I have sometimes gotten an intuition to go someplace & it paid off.
Case in point: one afternoon when I'd recently started my sophomore year of college, I decided to go see Scary Movie at the theater by myself. I was planning to take the bus then the train to get to the theater. Something just told me to go see it that day. I'd wanted to see it for ages & that sense kicked in.
I followed it & got a ride from none other than my freshman fling. We had a brief conversation. I remember telling him I'd lost my virginity over the summer; yes I talk about stuff like that with guys who dated me. I forgot if he dropped me off at the theater or the train station but regardless he saved me some travel time. I also enjoyed the conversation & had a more pleasant association with him in the future vs. the negative one I was left with as a freshman when he lost interest or decided I wasn't worthy as myself. If I saw him today, I'd first ask what he was doing up here but after that I think I'd just be indifferent & tell him what I've told everyone else about my lack of trust in any exclusive relationship.
I have wondered what my life would have been like had I not met the jerk & just went on my merry way. At that point, I was ready to give up on dating since the male population had pissed me off way too much. This one guy I went on a date with hadn't followed up with me & later told me he was moving. Then this other guy I had a friendship with springs the news on me that he got a girlfriend while dropping me like a hot potato.
Honestly, I do feel like it was a waste of over 9 years of my life to be involved with this guy. I could have had so much sex with that law school friend by now (if he hadn't lost interest or gotten bored, though you have to wonder what's wrong with some guy who loses interest or gets bored with ME since I'm not really all that boring). For that matter, I probably could have had so much sex with far hotter guys than my ex. I wouldn't have considered marriage since that wasn't my goal in life & I actively didn't want to. See how my younger self was right about it?
There is that school that says you get put in the place you're supposed to & things happen for good reason. I figure the end of this marriage means there's better out there for me & he wouldn't have been able to be there for me as things take off.
At least I still have some years left as a hottie. I couldn't imagine having to do this after a man had stolen the best years of my life & I could no longer enjoy the dating scene due to bad aging. I'd be left with really wanting to kill him then. I also don't like to spend my time on regrets & wishing for things you can't change. I look at today & dealing with that along with the future.
On Sunday, I had an event that was part of my new life. I got a little weepy a few times talking about my father & thinking about where I was a year ago that day. However, I figured wiser people were right in saying my father wouldn't want me to be off by myself that day.
By & large the weekend didn't turn out as bad as expected. I realized I've evolved from some of that past & the likes of my ex along with his hypocritical, scummy family won't be putting the likes of me down. More proof I'm an unstoppable force. In fact, I was typing an update to a friend yesterday & as I was doing this, Pandora was playing "Survivor" by Destiny's Child. I appreciated that irony.
Shocked the ex hasn't run home to Mommy & Daddy yet. "Responsible" wasn't exactly a word in his vocabulary and "self-starter" sure isn't. I do know at least 2 things for certain: he'll never be a millionaire unless he wins the lottery & he's never going to have a woman as good looking as me (certainly not better looking). Let him die in a pile of comics. That would be poetic.
However, that didn't happen since I was given opportunity to do other things. On Saturday, I had a party I was covering for the blog I write for. I felt that since I'd only gone to one event for the festival I was covering I should make an effort to go to this party. Plus, I have a philosophy that you should go to as many different things as you can since you never know where you're going to meet some meaningful person in your life whether that's a professional contact who helps you in business or a new lover or your new best friend (since your old one was adding to the stress & strife of your life). I have sometimes gotten an intuition to go someplace & it paid off.
Case in point: one afternoon when I'd recently started my sophomore year of college, I decided to go see Scary Movie at the theater by myself. I was planning to take the bus then the train to get to the theater. Something just told me to go see it that day. I'd wanted to see it for ages & that sense kicked in.
I followed it & got a ride from none other than my freshman fling. We had a brief conversation. I remember telling him I'd lost my virginity over the summer; yes I talk about stuff like that with guys who dated me. I forgot if he dropped me off at the theater or the train station but regardless he saved me some travel time. I also enjoyed the conversation & had a more pleasant association with him in the future vs. the negative one I was left with as a freshman when he lost interest or decided I wasn't worthy as myself. If I saw him today, I'd first ask what he was doing up here but after that I think I'd just be indifferent & tell him what I've told everyone else about my lack of trust in any exclusive relationship.
I have wondered what my life would have been like had I not met the jerk & just went on my merry way. At that point, I was ready to give up on dating since the male population had pissed me off way too much. This one guy I went on a date with hadn't followed up with me & later told me he was moving. Then this other guy I had a friendship with springs the news on me that he got a girlfriend while dropping me like a hot potato.
Honestly, I do feel like it was a waste of over 9 years of my life to be involved with this guy. I could have had so much sex with that law school friend by now (if he hadn't lost interest or gotten bored, though you have to wonder what's wrong with some guy who loses interest or gets bored with ME since I'm not really all that boring). For that matter, I probably could have had so much sex with far hotter guys than my ex. I wouldn't have considered marriage since that wasn't my goal in life & I actively didn't want to. See how my younger self was right about it?
There is that school that says you get put in the place you're supposed to & things happen for good reason. I figure the end of this marriage means there's better out there for me & he wouldn't have been able to be there for me as things take off.
At least I still have some years left as a hottie. I couldn't imagine having to do this after a man had stolen the best years of my life & I could no longer enjoy the dating scene due to bad aging. I'd be left with really wanting to kill him then. I also don't like to spend my time on regrets & wishing for things you can't change. I look at today & dealing with that along with the future.
On Sunday, I had an event that was part of my new life. I got a little weepy a few times talking about my father & thinking about where I was a year ago that day. However, I figured wiser people were right in saying my father wouldn't want me to be off by myself that day.
By & large the weekend didn't turn out as bad as expected. I realized I've evolved from some of that past & the likes of my ex along with his hypocritical, scummy family won't be putting the likes of me down. More proof I'm an unstoppable force. In fact, I was typing an update to a friend yesterday & as I was doing this, Pandora was playing "Survivor" by Destiny's Child. I appreciated that irony.
Shocked the ex hasn't run home to Mommy & Daddy yet. "Responsible" wasn't exactly a word in his vocabulary and "self-starter" sure isn't. I do know at least 2 things for certain: he'll never be a millionaire unless he wins the lottery & he's never going to have a woman as good looking as me (certainly not better looking). Let him die in a pile of comics. That would be poetic.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
What's With the Head Games?
Have you ever had to deal with people who offer to do something nice for you? You think "Oh, cool. I need this & it's appreciated." You tell the person as much & take their help since A) you could use it & B) you believe it might make that person feel bad if you reject their help.
So time passes and then the person bitches b/c they helped you & you indulged. What the fuck?
That's what I ask myself in that situation. When I was in college, a family friend's friends offered to help me with things. One offered to buy my groceries & said nothing to me about cost limits or what to buy or anything other than "I'm paying." With that, you'd get what you wanted & what you like, correct?
Later on, I find out through my mother that this person gets all pissed b/c of me buying what I want. Gee, how about not making an offer in the first place if you can't do it with a full heart? Better yet, if you have limits why not tell someone what those are beforehand? It's not like I lived off lobsters or brie or organic everything (and for the record I still don't).
This sort of thing is a huge pet peeve of mine. Why? Because it's a form of lying. You're lying to me when you do something like that. My mother even agreed with me on that conflict & my contention that if you say you're going to do something, then do it. If you have conditions or strings to impose, do that before someone is taking your offer of help. Otherwise it just makes you an asshole & a shitty person. I'd rather you not bother in the first place than get pissed at me because you had buyer's remorse. I'm not some helpless little kid who needs the world to solve her problems. I CAN take care of myself & am still mananging (takes a lot more than a peon such as my ex to bring me down).
And this person didn't even bring that beef directly to me. He goes to our family friend who then goes to my mother. You have to be thinking "No wonder she hates being infatalized! Look at what she had to deal with as a 19 year old adult in college living hundreds of miles away." We can't be an adult & talk to someone directly? We have to go act like a 5 year old & tattle to my Mommy?
Then, there's another serious gripe I have. That is people who air their business in a public setting & then expect others who read it not to comment.
I acknowledge that there are haters out there & have never gotten pissed at people for commenting on something I had posted in a public space. When my jerky in-laws dared to claim I had no 1st Amendment rights to speak or any right to an opinion when I had to deal with the ridiculousness last summer, I never said they had no right to comment or have an opinion on what I thought. I merely said where I posted my views was MY space, not someplace catering to their mentality & that they didn't have to read what I wrote then or what I'd write in the future if it offended them SOOOOO much. Never took anyone's voice away or tried censoring them.
I might think you're a moron or a tool or an asshole & not like what you have to say but I'm not going to be mad at you for the act of saying it.
I've had a few incidents online where people got pissed off by me daring to speak on something they posted in a public forum. Had someone yesterday do this on something that came up on MY social media feed. I pointed out that it came up on my feed & if she didn't want me to comment, she could have limited the view of the post or just blocked me. Realized today that there was an even better solution: she could have just sent a private group message to the people involved. A designer I worked with has done this when she had business to discuss with her models & not the entire friends' list.
Simple concept, right? So I see no need to bitch at me for commenting on a situation generally explaining why someone might have done what was complained about (since it seemed like such a foggy mystery to her why the people in question may have done something; as a business owner who isn't a moron, I rightly point out that someone with no ownership in an endeavor who's not getting paid & is paying to work with you isn't going to have the same passion/dedication/care as the person who DOES have that ownership) & engaging in personal attacks.
I could have said a lot of things to this person publicly but I stated that if she was indeed making a personal attack then she's a very shitty person. Because if you're making personal attacks against me NOW, you are indeed a very shitty person. Feeling a sense of accomplishment over that is like cheering because you shot a man who was already lying in the street dying. Big deal. A person who does that has zero character & is certainly not an adult. This was someone who's daring to trash me in the modeling game but who I don't see living in a penthouse in Manhattan or raking in billions. In fact, I've been doing it far less time so this person should probably ask herself what her excuse is for not being famous already.
Also, it seems to me like that's all this person has. I have an education, a business mind, some street smarts & far more emotional strength than the average person. I also have more skills and don't have to worry about petty bullshit like wondering what everyone else thinks of me. I also get the luxury of operating in my own realm since I'm unique & don't have the problem of walking into a room and finding a hundred girls who could pass for my twin or even my sister.
Is it not accurate to say if you post something publicly, you are opening yourself up to comment even if you don't like what's being said? I also felt the tone of what I commented on was inappropriate, alienating & it wouldn't inspire me to work with you if I hadn't before (it seemed far too scoldy to me). That's the stuff you deal with in private not air on a public feed for outsiders (friends or not) to see. If your skull is that fragile, it's time to rethink working in the entertainment industry.
Does this person think she can do some of the work she does & NOT have to deal with harassment, nasty remarks, etc.? How is she going to handle that stuff? Is she going to bitch at someone for daring to disagree or not thinking she's the most awesome, fabulous person out there?
These are the things a business owner has to think about if they ever hope to be effective. If you want things to be private, you need to MAKE THEM PRIVATE. Is that so hard to do? When I have a private thought or comment, I deal with it privately. I limit who can see things. I don't air my dirty laundry then bitch at someone for daring to make a comment.
This pisses me off since it's a form of censorship against me. If you've read this blog long enough, then you know how I feel about being censored. Lying and censorship? How many MORE sins do you want to commit against me to piss me off? If you don't want me to comment on something, then don't have it where I can see it. Simple solution. I get enough in my social media feeds without seeing pedantic bullshit I apparently have no right to have an opinion or comment on. Get it out of my face! More housecleaning.
I suppose riding myself of people who behave like 5 year olds or teenagers is a blessing in disguise. The basic rule with me is "say what you mean & mean what you say." If you can do that, you'll be great friends with me. If a guy I found desirable did that, I might even be able to fall in love with him.
So time passes and then the person bitches b/c they helped you & you indulged. What the fuck?
That's what I ask myself in that situation. When I was in college, a family friend's friends offered to help me with things. One offered to buy my groceries & said nothing to me about cost limits or what to buy or anything other than "I'm paying." With that, you'd get what you wanted & what you like, correct?
Later on, I find out through my mother that this person gets all pissed b/c of me buying what I want. Gee, how about not making an offer in the first place if you can't do it with a full heart? Better yet, if you have limits why not tell someone what those are beforehand? It's not like I lived off lobsters or brie or organic everything (and for the record I still don't).
This sort of thing is a huge pet peeve of mine. Why? Because it's a form of lying. You're lying to me when you do something like that. My mother even agreed with me on that conflict & my contention that if you say you're going to do something, then do it. If you have conditions or strings to impose, do that before someone is taking your offer of help. Otherwise it just makes you an asshole & a shitty person. I'd rather you not bother in the first place than get pissed at me because you had buyer's remorse. I'm not some helpless little kid who needs the world to solve her problems. I CAN take care of myself & am still mananging (takes a lot more than a peon such as my ex to bring me down).
And this person didn't even bring that beef directly to me. He goes to our family friend who then goes to my mother. You have to be thinking "No wonder she hates being infatalized! Look at what she had to deal with as a 19 year old adult in college living hundreds of miles away." We can't be an adult & talk to someone directly? We have to go act like a 5 year old & tattle to my Mommy?
Then, there's another serious gripe I have. That is people who air their business in a public setting & then expect others who read it not to comment.
I acknowledge that there are haters out there & have never gotten pissed at people for commenting on something I had posted in a public space. When my jerky in-laws dared to claim I had no 1st Amendment rights to speak or any right to an opinion when I had to deal with the ridiculousness last summer, I never said they had no right to comment or have an opinion on what I thought. I merely said where I posted my views was MY space, not someplace catering to their mentality & that they didn't have to read what I wrote then or what I'd write in the future if it offended them SOOOOO much. Never took anyone's voice away or tried censoring them.
I might think you're a moron or a tool or an asshole & not like what you have to say but I'm not going to be mad at you for the act of saying it.
I've had a few incidents online where people got pissed off by me daring to speak on something they posted in a public forum. Had someone yesterday do this on something that came up on MY social media feed. I pointed out that it came up on my feed & if she didn't want me to comment, she could have limited the view of the post or just blocked me. Realized today that there was an even better solution: she could have just sent a private group message to the people involved. A designer I worked with has done this when she had business to discuss with her models & not the entire friends' list.
Simple concept, right? So I see no need to bitch at me for commenting on a situation generally explaining why someone might have done what was complained about (since it seemed like such a foggy mystery to her why the people in question may have done something; as a business owner who isn't a moron, I rightly point out that someone with no ownership in an endeavor who's not getting paid & is paying to work with you isn't going to have the same passion/dedication/care as the person who DOES have that ownership) & engaging in personal attacks.
I could have said a lot of things to this person publicly but I stated that if she was indeed making a personal attack then she's a very shitty person. Because if you're making personal attacks against me NOW, you are indeed a very shitty person. Feeling a sense of accomplishment over that is like cheering because you shot a man who was already lying in the street dying. Big deal. A person who does that has zero character & is certainly not an adult. This was someone who's daring to trash me in the modeling game but who I don't see living in a penthouse in Manhattan or raking in billions. In fact, I've been doing it far less time so this person should probably ask herself what her excuse is for not being famous already.
Also, it seems to me like that's all this person has. I have an education, a business mind, some street smarts & far more emotional strength than the average person. I also have more skills and don't have to worry about petty bullshit like wondering what everyone else thinks of me. I also get the luxury of operating in my own realm since I'm unique & don't have the problem of walking into a room and finding a hundred girls who could pass for my twin or even my sister.
Is it not accurate to say if you post something publicly, you are opening yourself up to comment even if you don't like what's being said? I also felt the tone of what I commented on was inappropriate, alienating & it wouldn't inspire me to work with you if I hadn't before (it seemed far too scoldy to me). That's the stuff you deal with in private not air on a public feed for outsiders (friends or not) to see. If your skull is that fragile, it's time to rethink working in the entertainment industry.
Does this person think she can do some of the work she does & NOT have to deal with harassment, nasty remarks, etc.? How is she going to handle that stuff? Is she going to bitch at someone for daring to disagree or not thinking she's the most awesome, fabulous person out there?
These are the things a business owner has to think about if they ever hope to be effective. If you want things to be private, you need to MAKE THEM PRIVATE. Is that so hard to do? When I have a private thought or comment, I deal with it privately. I limit who can see things. I don't air my dirty laundry then bitch at someone for daring to make a comment.
This pisses me off since it's a form of censorship against me. If you've read this blog long enough, then you know how I feel about being censored. Lying and censorship? How many MORE sins do you want to commit against me to piss me off? If you don't want me to comment on something, then don't have it where I can see it. Simple solution. I get enough in my social media feeds without seeing pedantic bullshit I apparently have no right to have an opinion or comment on. Get it out of my face! More housecleaning.
I suppose riding myself of people who behave like 5 year olds or teenagers is a blessing in disguise. The basic rule with me is "say what you mean & mean what you say." If you can do that, you'll be great friends with me. If a guy I found desirable did that, I might even be able to fall in love with him.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
The Fluidity of Life & Why Are People So Unhappy About Eating Out Alone?
I'm finding in this new normal that life is all about change & fluidity. Some people just don't fit into it; I can't deal with bullshit or anyone who's going to bring MORE tears, stress, heartache or hassle into my life. In fact, I think it's inhumane to expect me to put up with such things. At this point, I'm just getting used to the fact that life IS change. Things you thought were a certain way just aren't & people you thought were going to be around for a while sometimes disappoint you. However, I feel all experiences have a value (good or bad).
I still feel like I wasted a good chunk of my adult life in this marriage & committing to someone but at least I won't be making that mistake again. One friend told me I've gone from constantly talking about my husband to becoming negative. I pointed out that I DID warn him that was going to happen if my marriage fell apart. Probably an upside for HIM, though. He no longer has to lament on how I'm with a man who's not good enough for me (though one has to wonder just who he DOES think is good enough for me).
Trying to have multiple people around for comfort in these times since I think it's unfair to stick everything onto one person. I also like that now I get to warn people against relationships & marriage as well as cheer up those who want them so badly. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, you know. I realized I missed the excitement in my single life & getting to do new things, have new experiences, etc. Sucks when your spouse isn't open to doing new things & you're itching to go to a new restaurant or learn a new skill or something. Seems I'm also more of an optimist than I thought I was. Plain & simple, I just feel free.
Speaking of being free, I think that's also why I have no qualms about eating out alone. In fact, I embrace it since I like to have all the bread and all the chips for myself. It's MINE, damn it!!! I don't understand why people claim it's so bad. No one has ever given me a look of pity or shitty service because of it. Not sure if this is normal or not but I went to one place & saw a couple eating together right near me; I didn't feel the least bit wistful or envious about it. It was simply a relief to be able to go out alone.
However, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a guy taking me out & paying for me. That's happened on occasion in my new life. Guy interest has been thick since the jerk kicked me out. Seems one man's trash is definitely another man's treasure (actually, more than one man's treasure since I get hit on a lot).
So happy today that now I can watch DVDs on the TV instead of on my laptop. When you're dealing with everything changing, little pleasures make you happy. I think eating alone is great since you can sit in your solitude & reflect on things. I liked doing it when I was going on road trips by myself & had to get dinner. Sometimes I felt like going to sit down restaurants and taking my time. It was always interesting to do that on my way to where I was going (mostly from Atlanta to NC or vice versa).
Oh, and another review you can read if you want: http://www.womanaroundtown.com/sections/playing-around/the-pink-unicorn-by-elise-forier-edie-youll-laugh-youll-cry
Life doesn't stop because some jerk tried to take away everything you care about. If you take nothing else from this blog, at least take that when you read it.
I still feel like I wasted a good chunk of my adult life in this marriage & committing to someone but at least I won't be making that mistake again. One friend told me I've gone from constantly talking about my husband to becoming negative. I pointed out that I DID warn him that was going to happen if my marriage fell apart. Probably an upside for HIM, though. He no longer has to lament on how I'm with a man who's not good enough for me (though one has to wonder just who he DOES think is good enough for me).
Trying to have multiple people around for comfort in these times since I think it's unfair to stick everything onto one person. I also like that now I get to warn people against relationships & marriage as well as cheer up those who want them so badly. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, you know. I realized I missed the excitement in my single life & getting to do new things, have new experiences, etc. Sucks when your spouse isn't open to doing new things & you're itching to go to a new restaurant or learn a new skill or something. Seems I'm also more of an optimist than I thought I was. Plain & simple, I just feel free.
Speaking of being free, I think that's also why I have no qualms about eating out alone. In fact, I embrace it since I like to have all the bread and all the chips for myself. It's MINE, damn it!!! I don't understand why people claim it's so bad. No one has ever given me a look of pity or shitty service because of it. Not sure if this is normal or not but I went to one place & saw a couple eating together right near me; I didn't feel the least bit wistful or envious about it. It was simply a relief to be able to go out alone.
However, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a guy taking me out & paying for me. That's happened on occasion in my new life. Guy interest has been thick since the jerk kicked me out. Seems one man's trash is definitely another man's treasure (actually, more than one man's treasure since I get hit on a lot).
So happy today that now I can watch DVDs on the TV instead of on my laptop. When you're dealing with everything changing, little pleasures make you happy. I think eating alone is great since you can sit in your solitude & reflect on things. I liked doing it when I was going on road trips by myself & had to get dinner. Sometimes I felt like going to sit down restaurants and taking my time. It was always interesting to do that on my way to where I was going (mostly from Atlanta to NC or vice versa).
Oh, and another review you can read if you want: http://www.womanaroundtown.com/sections/playing-around/the-pink-unicorn-by-elise-forier-edie-youll-laugh-youll-cry
Life doesn't stop because some jerk tried to take away everything you care about. If you take nothing else from this blog, at least take that when you read it.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Infantalization: The Surest Way to Get Me to Despise You
Reading this blog, you might think I'm easily annoyed & ticked off. That's not really true. I'm actually somewhat easygoing & flexible. It's mandatory if you're going to work in the entertainment industry & especially if you're going to be a model or an actress. Background work, fashion shows, they both require being able to adapt & roll with the punches. Not to mention being a producer or in legal work. Change seems inevitable when you're dealing with trying to get financing, interview people, get important records or other information, etc.
Like most of the world, though I have no-gos in my life. Aside from liars & hypocrisy, my biggest has to be attempts to infantalize me.
What does this mean? This means giving a person no control over his/her personal schedule & autonomy. If I can't move someplace freely & get where I need to, that's a major problem. I despise & not just loathe but can't psychologically handle being confined or at everyone else's mercy to get things done.
This partly goes back to my childhood: when my father would get into his little drunken episodes, I usually had no escape from my home. I didn't drive until I was 20, didn't have access to a car & when he ripped my bedroom door out from the hinges I didn't even have a full on retreat to my bedroom to avoid things. Sometimes I had to deal with this crap by myself, largely in my early college years. My mother & sister didn't really seem to get it even though my mother would take us and flee when he started destroying property and getting violent.
I also despise being forced to carry heavy items when I go places; I'm a model, I'm an attorney. I'm NOT a moving woman or a brawn type. No one should be demanding me to be a bodybuilder when I'm already smart, a looker & have gone through far more personal strife and grief in a very short time without having to be institutionalized, getting arrested, killing anyone or doing more harmful things to self and others like developing nasty addictions to alcohol or drugs. Let's see some of these jerkoffs go through what I have & how they cope with it. I'll bet you they would be too paralyzed to do anything meaningful with their lives.
If you are a guy around me, I'm carrying my laptop or some bag other than my purse & you don't offer to help carry it then I'm not going to think well of you. I will, in fact, presume you're an asshole not worthy of my time, interest or regard for you as a person in any dimension (aside from totally lacking in chivalry). Strangers have taken pity on seeing me move heavy things & helped me out without me having to ask so if you're some guy friend and not doing that, well you can just go to Hell.
If you want me to stay someplace or feel like I'm at "home" anywhere, you won't get me to feel that way if I don't have my free range of movement & lack of limits on my comings and goings. Nothing will drive me out quicker than feeling like I'm a teenager subjected to a curfew or an invalid who has to wait on you to feel like picking me up from someplace or to give me a ride to the grocery store.
It was getting sick of waiting for everyone else to feel like getting me a ride to the grocery store that motivated me to get a driver's license & a car. I felt constrained, trapped & like a prisoner. It also made me feel like a prisoner in NC to not have a license or a car & anytime I go there now, I insist on having my own car for my own travel since I can't deal with being at everyone else's mercy for things.
Is this something wrong with me? Am I overreacting? Or do I as an adult woman have a very healthy attitude & the people who'd say I'm overreacting have that problem?
The lack of freedom in my comings & goings makes me feel like an infant. It's not a feeling I do well with. Didn't even like that feeling when I was a teenager. I also hated curfews, especially when I felt like my mother was trying to do that when I came home for summers in college.
Remember, I was living in a single dorm room for most of my college years & I was 500 miles away from home most of the year. I had my own schedule & was doing my own things without anyone monitoring or babysitting me. I think I even asked my mother why she wanted to try that on me when A) I was well over 18 years old, B) I was living on my own 500 miles away for 9 months out of the year & C) I made every effort to be quiet when I came home i.e. not disturb others. I had my own keys and didn't turn on lights in bedrooms or anything.
This is probably why I do better living alone and answering to only myself with my own means of transportation. If I do something, it only comes down to me vs. anyone else having to deal with it. I also am not big on relying upon others since they will inevitably let you down & leave you in the lurch; it's happened to me far too many times to count & then I ended up being inconvenienced or hassled or bothered in some fashion. Not something I appreciate.
It's why when I say I'll give you a ride someplace or be around to pick you up, I follow through unless I have no car to get you or an emergency comes up (rarities that are unlikely to happen in a normal day). I don't dick around, I don't slack off on it b/c I've had people do that to me & really didn't appreciate it. For me, it's like "why did you bother making the offer if you weren't going to follow through?" You won't be borrowing my car if I have a plan to get someone & on points like this, I'm firm. I won't be oversleeping & missing YOUR stuff; I'll set alarms to ensure I don't.
Of course, I don't do such favors for just anyone. You have to earn things with me & while I really don't mind helping someone out I won't do it if you treat me like I don't count or matter. Lately, I've gotten far pickier on things & if people are going to be pissy at me for not settling for BS they can just get over it. Being in my life today (just like any other time but more so now) is a privilege, not an automatic right. Keeping that privilege means you'll have to show me you care. If you don't, it's at your peril.
At least one upside is I have discovered a great place to hang out for free in NYC if you want to be in a climate controlled space, have access to bathrooms, wall plugs, comfortable seats, and so forth. I won't share this one unless asked but maybe you can guess on your own where I'm referring to.
Like most of the world, though I have no-gos in my life. Aside from liars & hypocrisy, my biggest has to be attempts to infantalize me.
What does this mean? This means giving a person no control over his/her personal schedule & autonomy. If I can't move someplace freely & get where I need to, that's a major problem. I despise & not just loathe but can't psychologically handle being confined or at everyone else's mercy to get things done.
This partly goes back to my childhood: when my father would get into his little drunken episodes, I usually had no escape from my home. I didn't drive until I was 20, didn't have access to a car & when he ripped my bedroom door out from the hinges I didn't even have a full on retreat to my bedroom to avoid things. Sometimes I had to deal with this crap by myself, largely in my early college years. My mother & sister didn't really seem to get it even though my mother would take us and flee when he started destroying property and getting violent.
I also despise being forced to carry heavy items when I go places; I'm a model, I'm an attorney. I'm NOT a moving woman or a brawn type. No one should be demanding me to be a bodybuilder when I'm already smart, a looker & have gone through far more personal strife and grief in a very short time without having to be institutionalized, getting arrested, killing anyone or doing more harmful things to self and others like developing nasty addictions to alcohol or drugs. Let's see some of these jerkoffs go through what I have & how they cope with it. I'll bet you they would be too paralyzed to do anything meaningful with their lives.
If you are a guy around me, I'm carrying my laptop or some bag other than my purse & you don't offer to help carry it then I'm not going to think well of you. I will, in fact, presume you're an asshole not worthy of my time, interest or regard for you as a person in any dimension (aside from totally lacking in chivalry). Strangers have taken pity on seeing me move heavy things & helped me out without me having to ask so if you're some guy friend and not doing that, well you can just go to Hell.
If you want me to stay someplace or feel like I'm at "home" anywhere, you won't get me to feel that way if I don't have my free range of movement & lack of limits on my comings and goings. Nothing will drive me out quicker than feeling like I'm a teenager subjected to a curfew or an invalid who has to wait on you to feel like picking me up from someplace or to give me a ride to the grocery store.
It was getting sick of waiting for everyone else to feel like getting me a ride to the grocery store that motivated me to get a driver's license & a car. I felt constrained, trapped & like a prisoner. It also made me feel like a prisoner in NC to not have a license or a car & anytime I go there now, I insist on having my own car for my own travel since I can't deal with being at everyone else's mercy for things.
Is this something wrong with me? Am I overreacting? Or do I as an adult woman have a very healthy attitude & the people who'd say I'm overreacting have that problem?
The lack of freedom in my comings & goings makes me feel like an infant. It's not a feeling I do well with. Didn't even like that feeling when I was a teenager. I also hated curfews, especially when I felt like my mother was trying to do that when I came home for summers in college.
Remember, I was living in a single dorm room for most of my college years & I was 500 miles away from home most of the year. I had my own schedule & was doing my own things without anyone monitoring or babysitting me. I think I even asked my mother why she wanted to try that on me when A) I was well over 18 years old, B) I was living on my own 500 miles away for 9 months out of the year & C) I made every effort to be quiet when I came home i.e. not disturb others. I had my own keys and didn't turn on lights in bedrooms or anything.
This is probably why I do better living alone and answering to only myself with my own means of transportation. If I do something, it only comes down to me vs. anyone else having to deal with it. I also am not big on relying upon others since they will inevitably let you down & leave you in the lurch; it's happened to me far too many times to count & then I ended up being inconvenienced or hassled or bothered in some fashion. Not something I appreciate.
It's why when I say I'll give you a ride someplace or be around to pick you up, I follow through unless I have no car to get you or an emergency comes up (rarities that are unlikely to happen in a normal day). I don't dick around, I don't slack off on it b/c I've had people do that to me & really didn't appreciate it. For me, it's like "why did you bother making the offer if you weren't going to follow through?" You won't be borrowing my car if I have a plan to get someone & on points like this, I'm firm. I won't be oversleeping & missing YOUR stuff; I'll set alarms to ensure I don't.
Of course, I don't do such favors for just anyone. You have to earn things with me & while I really don't mind helping someone out I won't do it if you treat me like I don't count or matter. Lately, I've gotten far pickier on things & if people are going to be pissy at me for not settling for BS they can just get over it. Being in my life today (just like any other time but more so now) is a privilege, not an automatic right. Keeping that privilege means you'll have to show me you care. If you don't, it's at your peril.
At least one upside is I have discovered a great place to hang out for free in NYC if you want to be in a climate controlled space, have access to bathrooms, wall plugs, comfortable seats, and so forth. I won't share this one unless asked but maybe you can guess on your own where I'm referring to.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Separate Beds if You're Married; Should You or Shouldn't You?
Read this Slate article recently: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2014/04/separate_beds_in_marriage_i_love_my_husband_but_i_don_t_want_to_share_a.html
I have some insight on this since my mother & father did this later on. It was mostly because my mother could no longer tolerate my father's snoring and movement in his sleep. He apparently moved a lot, punching and kicking on occasion. Shockingly, I never saw her get injured from it but long after I was no longer living there she said she'd had enough & decided they needed to be in separate beds.
Plus, my father was working third shift and usually wasn't home to sleep until she had to leave for her day job.
Now I feel like their marriage was not on the best grounds considering he was an abusive alcoholic, an "asshole drunk" as I call it. For me personally, I felt like it just sounded bad all around & the separate beds thing was just icing on the cake.
So, about me: I'm probably the best person to sleep with. I don't mean in terms of sex (though no one's ever complained & I've only gotten praise for THAT, thank you). I mean in the fact that I don't snore (jerky ex claimed I did but only sometimes & not loudly), don't move around, don't talk (and if so, not much), am not a light or super heavy sleeper & if a guy I'm with initiates sex, I'll usually submit even if I'm asleep. The ex told me I pushed him away a few times but I don't remember that. I don't recall it being during the 15 months of misery but if it was, I guess that should have been my first clue.
Funny thing is we were sleeping in the same bed up until the very end though after the blowup it was an unspoken "this is my side, that's yours & never shall the two meet" (jerkoff tried to violate that & I fought to keep him away from my turf or taking my part of the blankets; even asleep, we were in conflict). I started not being able to sleep too well, especially when the "let's get separated" boom was dropped. I think the first time I was able to sleep properly was when I got to my semi-permanent housing situation.
My therapist said the new people in my life have shown me more kindness than I probably got in my entire marriage.
The irony is just where I've found this kindness; it's been in some very unlikely places, places that I under my normal mindset & circumstances wouldn't have considered. No, didn't find it with racists or some group like that. More like people under categories I had negative assumptions about & made judgment on with regard to how they'd treat me. Not getting the treatment I expected is a bit of a mind blower but maybe I should be used to it. After all, a friend whose advances I rejected in favor of the scummy ex came through at a time when my perception of who he was dictated that he wouldn't. Seems I'll be spending more time re-evaluating things I believed and my perceptions of people.
Remember that sometimes the things you're looking for come from the last place you'd expect to find them. One thing for sure is that I've got tons of inspiration and material for writing and acting; I can definitely get to pain & down times along with serious complexity (though it's not like I had no complexity to me to start with). If I'd stuck to my previous judgments & not taken some leaps of faith, I wouldn't be where I'm at now & wouldn't have some valued folk in my life.
I've definitely come to value a good night's sleep in my private space. You appreciate little things when you've had your routine broken in dramatic fashion. It also feels like coming out into a post-apocalyptic world & looking for fellow survivors to converse with.
I also personally like touch & having a guy hold me or holding him at night. So unless some guy's snoring is unbearable (as in I won't be able to sleep even if I'm wearing ear plugs) or he's one of those punchers/kickers/consistent talkers/drools buckets all over me, I'm not for the separate beds and rooms thing. I feel like it's too puritanical, too 1950s TV show for my taste. I also like the easy access for certain things like sex at odd hours. Plus, if you've had someone you find chemistry with in your bed & you've been in those early stages there's that charge you get from being in the same bed with him/her. I've been in or had guys in my bed & remember feeling so charged I could barely sleep. Didn't even have to do anything; having the guy in my bed or being in his bed was enough for me.
Perhaps I had & maybe still have some romantic notions about things like that. Indulging stuff like that is a plus with me even though I'm still a cynic, can't do commitments or attachment and probably can't fully love anyone. At least as conventional society defines love, there's no way I can do it. I could never fully give up my independence & feel irked already at having given up so much of it for a marriage that was a total sham. I hate "you complete me" and the ex even said to me once after a brutal counseling session "Why can't you turn to me to solve your problems?" Well, excuse me for being a strong, independent woman. It seems like commitments like that require people, especially women, to give up their independent selves & to that I say "why bother?"
God help any guy trying to break my even harder shell of cynicism and refusal to get attached or committed. At least I can tell you precisely why I feel that way.
I have some insight on this since my mother & father did this later on. It was mostly because my mother could no longer tolerate my father's snoring and movement in his sleep. He apparently moved a lot, punching and kicking on occasion. Shockingly, I never saw her get injured from it but long after I was no longer living there she said she'd had enough & decided they needed to be in separate beds.
Plus, my father was working third shift and usually wasn't home to sleep until she had to leave for her day job.
Now I feel like their marriage was not on the best grounds considering he was an abusive alcoholic, an "asshole drunk" as I call it. For me personally, I felt like it just sounded bad all around & the separate beds thing was just icing on the cake.
So, about me: I'm probably the best person to sleep with. I don't mean in terms of sex (though no one's ever complained & I've only gotten praise for THAT, thank you). I mean in the fact that I don't snore (jerky ex claimed I did but only sometimes & not loudly), don't move around, don't talk (and if so, not much), am not a light or super heavy sleeper & if a guy I'm with initiates sex, I'll usually submit even if I'm asleep. The ex told me I pushed him away a few times but I don't remember that. I don't recall it being during the 15 months of misery but if it was, I guess that should have been my first clue.
Funny thing is we were sleeping in the same bed up until the very end though after the blowup it was an unspoken "this is my side, that's yours & never shall the two meet" (jerkoff tried to violate that & I fought to keep him away from my turf or taking my part of the blankets; even asleep, we were in conflict). I started not being able to sleep too well, especially when the "let's get separated" boom was dropped. I think the first time I was able to sleep properly was when I got to my semi-permanent housing situation.
My therapist said the new people in my life have shown me more kindness than I probably got in my entire marriage.
The irony is just where I've found this kindness; it's been in some very unlikely places, places that I under my normal mindset & circumstances wouldn't have considered. No, didn't find it with racists or some group like that. More like people under categories I had negative assumptions about & made judgment on with regard to how they'd treat me. Not getting the treatment I expected is a bit of a mind blower but maybe I should be used to it. After all, a friend whose advances I rejected in favor of the scummy ex came through at a time when my perception of who he was dictated that he wouldn't. Seems I'll be spending more time re-evaluating things I believed and my perceptions of people.
Remember that sometimes the things you're looking for come from the last place you'd expect to find them. One thing for sure is that I've got tons of inspiration and material for writing and acting; I can definitely get to pain & down times along with serious complexity (though it's not like I had no complexity to me to start with). If I'd stuck to my previous judgments & not taken some leaps of faith, I wouldn't be where I'm at now & wouldn't have some valued folk in my life.
I've definitely come to value a good night's sleep in my private space. You appreciate little things when you've had your routine broken in dramatic fashion. It also feels like coming out into a post-apocalyptic world & looking for fellow survivors to converse with.
I also personally like touch & having a guy hold me or holding him at night. So unless some guy's snoring is unbearable (as in I won't be able to sleep even if I'm wearing ear plugs) or he's one of those punchers/kickers/consistent talkers/drools buckets all over me, I'm not for the separate beds and rooms thing. I feel like it's too puritanical, too 1950s TV show for my taste. I also like the easy access for certain things like sex at odd hours. Plus, if you've had someone you find chemistry with in your bed & you've been in those early stages there's that charge you get from being in the same bed with him/her. I've been in or had guys in my bed & remember feeling so charged I could barely sleep. Didn't even have to do anything; having the guy in my bed or being in his bed was enough for me.
Perhaps I had & maybe still have some romantic notions about things like that. Indulging stuff like that is a plus with me even though I'm still a cynic, can't do commitments or attachment and probably can't fully love anyone. At least as conventional society defines love, there's no way I can do it. I could never fully give up my independence & feel irked already at having given up so much of it for a marriage that was a total sham. I hate "you complete me" and the ex even said to me once after a brutal counseling session "Why can't you turn to me to solve your problems?" Well, excuse me for being a strong, independent woman. It seems like commitments like that require people, especially women, to give up their independent selves & to that I say "why bother?"
God help any guy trying to break my even harder shell of cynicism and refusal to get attached or committed. At least I can tell you precisely why I feel that way.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
How Long Do You Get to Live Without Judgment After Tragedy?
Yesterday, a new friend of mine was talking about this. Apparently, they say you get 3 months to be a total asshole without any judgment or condemnation if you lose a parent. This was something he'd heard after his father died (one point of our instant bond; that felt like "hey, you understand something major about me").
With all the shit I've been going through, I figure I should get at least 1 year. I definitely didn't see all this coming. A year ago, I wouldn't have predicted I'd be hanging out with this friend in NYC or that we'd have even crossed paths. Nor did I foresee any of this 6 months ago. No one else I talked to really saw it either. They also expected my jerky ex to exercise a little compassion and flexibility instead of trying to sabotage, be emotionally abusive & make threats at me. One friend even told me he'd never leave me & I'd be the one ending things. I was unhappy but I didn't really end things; I thought there was still a little hope before late January.
Now I just look back & think giving up my independence was completely stupid even though I never did it 100%. Imagine if I had; things would have been far worse for me & it would hurt more. Kicking someone when they're down is plain beastly & scummy.
Watched one of my favorite episodes of South Park recently. Remember the one where we first meet the Goth kids & the Raisins girls? Where Wendy breaks up with Stan and Stan reacts by joining up with the Goth kids? I watched it & saw Stan's reaction to the whole thing. I remember thinking "I don't feel like Stan in the aftermath of being dumped. I don't have the urge to sit & cry someplace or go Goth."
Instead, I feel reborn. Like the whole world is wide open to me in a way that it wasn't when I was living in my old place and in my old life. There's excitement & adventure in this new life; lots of it, really. I've got some great inspiration and stories for writing and acting. I've gotten to broaden my horizons in major ways that I probably wouldn't have if life hadn't intervened. Then there's also being a far stronger person than plenty of people; my mom was telling me today I'm much stronger than to just give up & develop a substance abuse problem or end up being committed to a mental hospital. Probably true; I know I've dealt with far greater adversity and foes than my scummy ex-husband or his equally scummy, fully hypocritical family could even contemplate. Real "pro-family" to condone letting your kid toss his wife out knowing damn well she has no family in the area, no steady paying income & is legally married to him vs. being some live-in he got sick of.
My bullshit tolerance is also even lower, if that's possible. I've got no incentive or stakes to stand for it at this point. It's like being single again but in a more concentrated, direct & cynical way. At least one new friend actually likes my cynicism, though. He even unlocked answers to some questions I'd been wondering about like why the sudden 180 from a guy who supposedly loved me & why I constantly get propositioned/asked out by men.
If my soon to be ex begged me to come back, I wouldn't. For one thing, he crossed the line into unforgivable behavior (at least what I consider unforgivable). I think what is unforgivable or not is generally up to the person but certainly anyone hearing about what this guy did wouldn't want me to let him think any of that was perfectly acceptable or forgivable. It would be a betrayal of myself to allow him back after all that.
Second, I've only been emboldened to be more self-confident & embrace my model self (the 2 things he & his family seemed to hate). If he thought I'd changed at the end of the relationship, well I've changed far more now. I've gotten far better treatment, more love, more respect & more compassion from virtual strangers and my allies/saviors/whatever term you want to use for people helping you in the times I'm dealing with than I did from him at the very end. He seemed to resent the idea that I had human worth & knew my worth. To that, I say "Fuck him."
Third, if you had experienced the adventure and getting to do things I now get to do as a virtual single person, would you go back to your old life? Other than the cats, there's nothing there for me anymore. I've had other cats & eventually one has to move on in life.
As I think about it, there's just no way that could ever be reconciled. I still feel I don't really have to do much to fix his wagon though plenty of people have pointed out that he's a total idiot for crossing an attorney. Whether I get a paycheck from it or not, I still have the skill & license. I also still have the forethought to do things & take care of myself that he never had. If he wasn't living with Mommy & Daddy by Christmas, I'd be shocked. I know no roommate is going to give a shit about his job situation or indulge his bitching while he does nothing to change it.
Just a feeling but I know my life will always be more interesting than his. I've accepted that I now live in a different world & occupy a different, cooler sphere than he or his family does. It's not something I'm ashamed or unhappy about; rather I decided to embrace it. Stealing from me isn't going to change certain truths.
I do seriously wonder how long I get to take a vacation from judgment & condemnation for my actions. There was my father's death, my SIL's death, pending legal stuff, family strife from asserting myself & now this bastard kicking me during all this. I've had to act for mere survival & I think I'm certainly entitled to some creature comforts in this very difficult period. Whatever creature comforts I can get, really.
Not sure I'll ever really get over the anger or sense of betrayal & that truth ensures I need to be alone. I haven't even thought about what I'm doing or where I'll be for holidays; that sort of thing becomes inconsequential to you after going through all this. Even if I'm alone, eating something basic I'll be happy that I'm alive, haven't been taken down by this bastard & still have a support system through it all. My mother called me a phoenix. Perhaps that's true; sometimes I've even counted myself out on things & life intervened to make things better.
I feel like my jerky ex did me a favor by kicking me out & pulling his shit since now I've discovered better things and found people to associate with who aren't losers or limited. I'm also not the only one who feels he's the loser here & threw away a good thing.
Meanwhile, I've just been trying to live as best I can from day to day & not be too hard on myself. After all, I'm in abnormal times & an emotional position I'm not normally in. I don't feel I can be 100% responsible for my actions at this point. Dare to judge me? Go walk in these shoes & see how you'd cope. Maybe you'd be just like my ex, who'd fall apart if he were in my position. Guess the strong, confident & independent types should just stay with those. At least I've gotten more discerning on who I deal with.
With all the shit I've been going through, I figure I should get at least 1 year. I definitely didn't see all this coming. A year ago, I wouldn't have predicted I'd be hanging out with this friend in NYC or that we'd have even crossed paths. Nor did I foresee any of this 6 months ago. No one else I talked to really saw it either. They also expected my jerky ex to exercise a little compassion and flexibility instead of trying to sabotage, be emotionally abusive & make threats at me. One friend even told me he'd never leave me & I'd be the one ending things. I was unhappy but I didn't really end things; I thought there was still a little hope before late January.
Now I just look back & think giving up my independence was completely stupid even though I never did it 100%. Imagine if I had; things would have been far worse for me & it would hurt more. Kicking someone when they're down is plain beastly & scummy.
Watched one of my favorite episodes of South Park recently. Remember the one where we first meet the Goth kids & the Raisins girls? Where Wendy breaks up with Stan and Stan reacts by joining up with the Goth kids? I watched it & saw Stan's reaction to the whole thing. I remember thinking "I don't feel like Stan in the aftermath of being dumped. I don't have the urge to sit & cry someplace or go Goth."
Instead, I feel reborn. Like the whole world is wide open to me in a way that it wasn't when I was living in my old place and in my old life. There's excitement & adventure in this new life; lots of it, really. I've got some great inspiration and stories for writing and acting. I've gotten to broaden my horizons in major ways that I probably wouldn't have if life hadn't intervened. Then there's also being a far stronger person than plenty of people; my mom was telling me today I'm much stronger than to just give up & develop a substance abuse problem or end up being committed to a mental hospital. Probably true; I know I've dealt with far greater adversity and foes than my scummy ex-husband or his equally scummy, fully hypocritical family could even contemplate. Real "pro-family" to condone letting your kid toss his wife out knowing damn well she has no family in the area, no steady paying income & is legally married to him vs. being some live-in he got sick of.
My bullshit tolerance is also even lower, if that's possible. I've got no incentive or stakes to stand for it at this point. It's like being single again but in a more concentrated, direct & cynical way. At least one new friend actually likes my cynicism, though. He even unlocked answers to some questions I'd been wondering about like why the sudden 180 from a guy who supposedly loved me & why I constantly get propositioned/asked out by men.
If my soon to be ex begged me to come back, I wouldn't. For one thing, he crossed the line into unforgivable behavior (at least what I consider unforgivable). I think what is unforgivable or not is generally up to the person but certainly anyone hearing about what this guy did wouldn't want me to let him think any of that was perfectly acceptable or forgivable. It would be a betrayal of myself to allow him back after all that.
Second, I've only been emboldened to be more self-confident & embrace my model self (the 2 things he & his family seemed to hate). If he thought I'd changed at the end of the relationship, well I've changed far more now. I've gotten far better treatment, more love, more respect & more compassion from virtual strangers and my allies/saviors/whatever term you want to use for people helping you in the times I'm dealing with than I did from him at the very end. He seemed to resent the idea that I had human worth & knew my worth. To that, I say "Fuck him."
Third, if you had experienced the adventure and getting to do things I now get to do as a virtual single person, would you go back to your old life? Other than the cats, there's nothing there for me anymore. I've had other cats & eventually one has to move on in life.
As I think about it, there's just no way that could ever be reconciled. I still feel I don't really have to do much to fix his wagon though plenty of people have pointed out that he's a total idiot for crossing an attorney. Whether I get a paycheck from it or not, I still have the skill & license. I also still have the forethought to do things & take care of myself that he never had. If he wasn't living with Mommy & Daddy by Christmas, I'd be shocked. I know no roommate is going to give a shit about his job situation or indulge his bitching while he does nothing to change it.
Just a feeling but I know my life will always be more interesting than his. I've accepted that I now live in a different world & occupy a different, cooler sphere than he or his family does. It's not something I'm ashamed or unhappy about; rather I decided to embrace it. Stealing from me isn't going to change certain truths.
I do seriously wonder how long I get to take a vacation from judgment & condemnation for my actions. There was my father's death, my SIL's death, pending legal stuff, family strife from asserting myself & now this bastard kicking me during all this. I've had to act for mere survival & I think I'm certainly entitled to some creature comforts in this very difficult period. Whatever creature comforts I can get, really.
Not sure I'll ever really get over the anger or sense of betrayal & that truth ensures I need to be alone. I haven't even thought about what I'm doing or where I'll be for holidays; that sort of thing becomes inconsequential to you after going through all this. Even if I'm alone, eating something basic I'll be happy that I'm alive, haven't been taken down by this bastard & still have a support system through it all. My mother called me a phoenix. Perhaps that's true; sometimes I've even counted myself out on things & life intervened to make things better.
I feel like my jerky ex did me a favor by kicking me out & pulling his shit since now I've discovered better things and found people to associate with who aren't losers or limited. I'm also not the only one who feels he's the loser here & threw away a good thing.
Meanwhile, I've just been trying to live as best I can from day to day & not be too hard on myself. After all, I'm in abnormal times & an emotional position I'm not normally in. I don't feel I can be 100% responsible for my actions at this point. Dare to judge me? Go walk in these shoes & see how you'd cope. Maybe you'd be just like my ex, who'd fall apart if he were in my position. Guess the strong, confident & independent types should just stay with those. At least I've gotten more discerning on who I deal with.
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